It's ok

I'm I

I am six months in to grief whatever that means. A bit longer than that since Dad and I had a long meandering conversation that only ended when someones phone was dying. Things are supposed to start getting easier. They aren't of course. I'm focusing on it too much for that to happen which is totally ok. I planted 11 year old watermelon seeds Dad gave me and had nightmares for two weeks about them not germinating. Real dreams about watermelon seeds. I'm ok with that. I don't have much that was his, much that he held in his hands and wrote on. I have my watermelon seed envelope though. They did germinate. He was so excited for me to plant them so long ago when I lived in Littleton that he mailed them to me.  I found them sprouting last night on the eve of six months gone. Sometimes I cry picturing his face and sometimes I cry just because my heart hurts and that's ok too. I still go to bed and get up and cry and blow my nose just like six months ago but now I'm not begging for it to stop I'm just literally ok with it. I wish I could say I have changed and grown and become a bigger better person. I'm not. I'm pretty much exactly the same. I offend people constantly. My lovely thorn in the flesh. The only improvement is that I have kicked self reproach to the curb. I don't care about trying to be more like Jesus anymore. (gasp). I care more about being with Jesus. We all yak yak about trying to be more like Him. When He was here people followed Him around to listen to Him say things they couldn't even grasp, to watch Him perform miracles beyond their wildest dreams, to touch Him because He was God, to know Him and feel His love and to ask Him questions only He was wise enough to answer and learn from Him secrets only He could teach. His Apostles ran around telling everyone about Him so people could know Him and His consuming love, not so they could copy Him and postulate. And what is the refrain again? Allow Him into your heart. If He's there the change He wants is part of a natural process. That's why I'm focusing on letting Him in. No more self help. I'm just going to let Jesus make me into whatever He wants... and I'm gonna be ok with it. Even if people don't like me or look down on me for not being more Christ like. News flash world. We're all stinky sinners and that is not going to change in this lifetime. Moreover, if you have things you don't like about yourself and you sit around poking at it saying "I want to be more like Jesus" like some kind of robot, its not going to help. I know this for a fact. So if  you want to pull sin out of your hearts by the root? Talk to Jesus more. It's my new strategy. I'll keep you posted on whether or not it works. (wink wink)

Ahhhh! Say this to me over and over Jesus! 

“Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation.” (Luke 22:46 NLT)

I'm so jealous of these guys in this moment. I can't imagine what it would be like to have Jesus explain all of the prophesies.

They said to each other, “Didn’t our hearts burn within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the Scriptures to us?” (Luke 24:32 NLT)