hey there to my deep feelers

We try to be real, compensate for extremes and hope this means we are enlightened, not fake. We learn to let go of the people we were too much for and open our arms to the one's who welcome us on the journey. We strive through a world full of judgement, derision and cynicism. We ask ourselves to pray instead... because nothing else really ever did work. We fail. We fall into moments of self pity, myopically focused on the impossibility of our lives. We give in to moments of bittersweet nostalgia about the cycle of life. We gaze at old pictures with an almost desperate feeling of amnesia, wondering who we were and what we thought. We spend weeks on end floating above feelings, doing all of the things with a weary avoidance. 

But when a moment comes, we slip into silly laughter, dancing ourselves silly or savoring red wine or salty chocolate or $20 cheese. Without effort we fall into throes of passion, feeling worshiped and possessed by our lovers, reaching new heights of bliss. We find our way out of doors and melt into the sunset or walk across the mountain and our hearts feel clean. We meet with Jesus and He let's us see through His eyes. Present concerns become unimportant. Our hearts find their way back to purpose. 

Here's to making it

 I thought about submitting this for a scholarship but I don't know. I should leave the scholarship for someone in great need. 

One night, my seven-year-old was tucking me into bed at 7PM and as she pressed the blankets around my sagging shoulders she said “Mom, are you just so happy that you are going to have your dream job someday? Some people never make it.” And at 1:30 the next morning my alarm went off. It was no different than any other day for the last two years. It was time for me to get up for work. When I cooked up this scheme, I didn’t really think I was going to hack it. Most housewives with four children and no high school diploma don’t wake up one day and decide to do manual labor and work their way through college after nestling in warm laundry for fifteen years. But I did. I work at UPS loading trucks. Every day, I wonder how I’ve made it this far and hope – someday - I’ll tag the finish line.

My education journey is a minute-by-minute, mind-numbing, teeth-gnashing affair. There’s been some days. I remember one day during the UPS Christmas rush last year that I arrived at a class still in my Carhartts an hour late, filthy dirty and smelling like hard work. Lots of hard work. No words were exchanged and I did not attempt to keep up with my Revit instructors rapid fire instructions. I simply “attended.” By hook or crook, I passed that class with an “A.” I didn’t think it was possible but that’s my new normal. Just this past week as I surveyed my mountain of projects for the four classes I’m taking, I thought “impossible” and then I laid in my bed, verged on self-pity tears then had a pep talk and got up and made a day-by-day plan ending on December 11^th. It’s possible but only because I live with the five most amazing people in the world who buy groceries, do laundry, and fill all of the gaps I’ve created.

Although I love school and all the ways it has transformed me, I feel an equal love for how UPS has changed me. UPS reconnected me with diversity and a full appreciation for the human struggle. Among other things, I am the pre-load mentor. This unglamorous job is to simply meet with new employees 15 times within their first three months of employment and teach them safety practices and introduce them to UPS. Every single time, I meet amazing people. I’ve trained a high school football coach, a chiropractor, a foreign missionary, a retired Navy officer and a whole host of other interesting people. One day a manager asked me who could put a message on a white board so I directed him to Tim who was trained in calligraphy and was a hand drafter for many years. By the same token, there’s an equal number of young, lost, aimless souls who need me.  And this is the perfectly placed intersect of UPS and school. During my first meeting with each group, I tell them all about the UPS Education assistance program. I tell them everything they need to know and have given many the boost they needed to investigate education. I often see a lackluster disinterest until I say I’m doing it. I think maybe things seem impossible for so many people until they walk next to someone who says “yes you can, look at me.”

My education journey teaches my kids to have a little grit every day. I hope it pushes my co-workers who I want to inspire to chase their dreams. Maybe it even encourages my friends who always cheer me on and give me props. But mostly, my education process is effecting a lasting change in me. It’s my dangling carrot, my feather in my cap, my marching tune and my stiff drink.  

When I read the requirements for applying for this scholarship, I thought… “hm, I don’t have time to use my education for anything significant and lasting yet. I’m just surviving!” Then I realized surviving is what lasts.