School, therapy, love and hot tea

I was sitting in the dentist chair with an implacable face that disconcerted the assistant. Finally after several awkward attempts thwarted by my noncommittal replies she just came out and asked me what my plan was for my teeth. I gazed into the distance with a vague expression and said “nothing, I might think about it later if I stay at UPS and it’s free.” She began babbling about necessity which faded into the background as I continued pursuing the ten ultimate kitchens in Colorado in a magazine. They weren’t really. I personally like airy kitchens, but then she started to prattle something about telling the dentist and seeing what she thought. It didn’t matter what the dentist thought. I drink tea every day and I’ve never needed a filling and I never will. The cheerful dentist burst into the room to play the good cop, telling me I was completely right about my teeth and they seem to be just fine in spite of the shadows between two molars that haven’t changed between X-rays. I liked this message so I threw myself into a delightful visit with both of the very sweet ladies until fluoride came up which I politely declined. By now the assistant was tracking. She said “now I didn’t apply fluoride last time either did I?” I smiled and said “no, you sent it with me and I threw it away. I’m not much of a believer in fluoride.” She laughed incredulously and said “well you could have told me!” I laughed with her and mentally shook my head. No I couldn’t. Professionals love to argue and there’s things I like to argue about. My teeth? Nah but I do know exactly what kind of teeth I have, sugar proof, impermeable, granite that chips a little on the corners. I like em scraped and polished. That is all. And it was that simple because I didn’t take any of it personally. I didn’t care that she was trying to boss me around and it was fine. Would that I knew how to apply that method to my whole life. Which leads me to therapy.
I’m not sure if it’s common to be rightly accused of being cold, mean, hard, sharp, angry or bitter but I’ll raise my hand. Because I have. My whole life. I have a hair trigger when someone is on my “personally offensive, possibly manipulative, likely controlling” radar. I have an internal siren going off ten times a day while I frantically process all of the data to determine whether people are a danger to me or my people. It has prompted shock and awe explosions, long Cold War battles and tactically precise missions, all a complete and utter waste of time and energy. So, after the second time my therapist said “you don’t have to take that personally” it clicked. No, I don’t. I’m not sure why that has been said to me a thousand other ways that just didn’t click but right in this moment and right this way did. I went home and tumbled it a few ways and as I did old information kinda grabbed on and fit together with it in such a way that I finally understood drama. I’ve always said “why am I in a perpetual cycle of drama? Why is everything so crucial and important to me that it crushes my chest?”  And that is it. I take it personally and I do it because of a lack of self confidence. So my therapist gave me a little thing to read each day, a little reminder that builds personal power to prevent all of that angst.
“I have a clear vision - I am stronger than I know - I am wise - well equipped - intelligent - I have abundance in my life - blessed. Forgiven and innocent - I am blessed - “
Now, I’m not saying this is it, I’m all better, I’ll never throw a box at my boss again but I am saying this might help me breathe out my anxiety better, and love my family more openly and serve others with less distrust. Here’s hoping!
Last weekend Jody and I celebrated 17 years of marriage. I was 19 when I met him and 22 when we married so it’s a significant chunk of my life. And it started out as such an easy love. Then we added four kids, cancer, unemployment, resurfacing childhood hurts, grief, depression, a child with anxiety, a child full of mischief, a child with learning struggles, a night job, college and that dirty word called laundry and I’m telling you it’s a journey, a really complicated, sensitive and worthwhile journey. So, we are trying to deal with some things and trying to remember to celebrate the good good life we have been given and also to just relax, not take things personally and pay special attention to people.

I never knew

   Dear kids, feel free to put this on my gravestone:
 "She did good sometimes, and terrible sometimes. I'll have some PTSD but also some fantastic memories... couch time was required but the therapist loved the stories." 
   I had a friendship breakup recently that impacted my family's whole life. It was really sad and hard and confusing to navigate but we are kinda ok. I still roll it all around wishing I knew exactly what God's going to do with it all because I'm displaced and sometimes quite devastated with my new place in my community. I'm not much of a "wishing the past would change" kind of person. I just roll with it and hold on to beautiful things and get all sappy and nostalgic about them, but sometimes I do wish as I look back on damaged relationships that we had looked for more good things in one another and found them so the world could stay golden. But as they all say, utopia would teach us nothing and we would never grow. So, I'm holding the second adult friendship loss of my life in my hands asking it to teach me things, for personal growth, my current and future friendships, my marriage and even my relationship with God. And of course, it's already happening. I've struggled to give my kids sound friendship advice their whole lives because I am very impulsive and I either confronted and damaged relationships or feared my impulsiveness and wussed out and damaged relationships.  But I'm realizing, it's not about learning exactly how other people do it, so much as developing a reverence for personal honor, always getting back up and trying again and a very fine attuning to the Holy Spirit. In my lifelong rebellious habit, I will reinvent the wheel and teach my kids that they have to be thinkers who are bold, kind, gritty, magnanimous, forgiving and Holy Spirit led." 
I read the other day that each enneagram type should hold one thought close for comfort. The enneagram 8 was along the lines of "not everyone will like you and that's ok." It isn't a get out of jail free card for accountability of our abrasiveness, it's just a reality for everyone... but 8's particularly should keep in mind so they keep on trucking when the going gets rough and they need to keep trying after a casualty.