Awhile back I decided to grow up. That can mean a million things to people, but for me, I was not going overboard, I was determined to at least keep drinking and cussing (we will come back to this.) I needed to get a mole removed, straighten my teeth, read some self help books to figure out why I was such a social misfit and pick a career. I checked those first three boxes like a boss. But the career thing was a bit of a quandary with four kids. I made a couple stabs at it but couldn't move past sticking my toe in the water. I tried being an assistant to my friend Knelly and that didn't work. I tried working at a furniture store, no dice. I even tried raising a litter of puppies. Awesome, but Stella can't really just pop out litters of puppies all year long ya know? The toe dabbling had been somewhat productive in giving me some clues about myself which created a veritable quagmire of introspection. So after some competition with Jody during the interview phase I got a job early in the morning with UPS. I had read they offer the biggest tuition assistance of any part time job and it didn't require working evenings or weekends. How bad could it be? Jody was a little dumbfounded that they would pick me for a physical job and not him. I guess he thought they were looking for a man who goes to the gym 6 days a week and lifts 300 pounds and can burn 1300 calories on a spin bike in an hour and not a 5 foot tall voluptuous house wife who clearly loves tacos... shows how much he knows. I salved his pride with the observation that they probably noticed that I'm freakishly strong. Side note, one time a few years ago, I was carrying a couch with a guy and he said "you are freakishly strong." I got the giggles and we had to put the couch down for a second. Henceforth, when people ask if I can manage something, I sagely inform them that I am freakishly strong. My manager at the furniture found my story so amusing he nick named me "the freak". Jody on the other hand, has never seen anything remarkable about my strength and always says anything a man says to me is probably his way of hitting on me. He wryly agreed to my assertion but deep down we were both wondering if UPS just tries to hire women for diversity. Anyway, package handler for UPS... I don't care who I told about it, their faces blanched. It made me insecure. I was waffling. I'm such a waffler nowadays... I applied for a job designing kitchens at Home Depot and bombed the interview to my utter dismay. Some friends were asking me what I thought would be best. I burdened them with far too many words. One got the big eyes and said "maybe you should journal... a lot." I nodded agreeably and said "yes of course, I always journal a lot." I doubt she believed me. I would describe myself as the person who is a bottomless well of words. I'm writing, deleting, rereading, pondering, restructuring, deleting etc... all while the rest of the world pays bills, folds socks in their sock baskets, watches TV, goes hiking or plays board games. I write as if my future career depends on word structure in my journaling. Really? Anyway, after extensive journaling and waffling and the meager support of two friends all total, I concluded that I really wanted to work at UPS and for some reason it was worth the risk of hearing "I never thought you'd last" 48 times. I'm really not exaggerating here. NOBODY thought this was a good idea. And I haven't even told you about the expressions of the UPS'ers when they saw me. What can I say? I love living through senselessly humbling experiences so I can write them down and make a few people laugh.
Three days before I started my new job Nick used the F word. My sweet little Nick. Jody and I looked at one another... and something cracked inside of me. I finally had my message from God about my little pet sin. Years of habit and really kind of an identity as the crazy girl who drops the F bomb at Bible Study and shrugs and says hey God hasn't convicted me yet... I thought it would be impossible to curb... but I just couldn't anymore. A dirty word just isn't dirty until you see it come out of an innocent child's mouth, conviction complete. So I was done. But dammit I'm keeping my whiskey.
The UPS'ers were not impressed when I arrived my first day. And they proceeded to put me through UPS boot camp in hopes I would wash out. In a random human moment, my manager Thomas apologized if the language offended me. I smothered a chuckle and said no it was fine. I have since been told that starting your job at UPS as a clerk is not advisable and possibly the hardest introduction to working there... so as my luck would have it, the clerk was on vacation and they shoved me into his spot fixing mislabeled packages. It wasn't the most physical job in the center but I did have to work very quickly without a single minute of pre-training and I was under the watchful disapproving gaze of "Dwight Schrute." Thomas led me to the clerks station and said "Blake this is Elizabeth, train her as a clerk." I gazed up at him and he pressed his lips into a long familiar purse. I thought "hello Dwight" and I was not to be disappointed. He spoke of things only Dwight would, a shooting excursion, the fact that he has no need to raise a child with his own DNA when he could foster and make money off of raising children and many more delightful topics that have escaped my memory. As these details unfolded, my mental narrator went into overdrive checking boxes as he exhibited every single personality trait of Dwight, right down to the dead eye expression when he thought I was lacking intelligence. I never dreamed "The Office" training I received by watching all 9 seasons would be so valuable, but it stood me in good stead. I accepted his biting criticisms of my box repair speed, my failure to remember everything he said the first time, my obvious F10 and F3 memory deficiencies as well as my total lack of wing span for carrying large boxes. In turn, I complimented his taping skills, thanked him for training me repeatedly and even asserted that he was incredibly nice when someone asked how he was treating me.
He heard the compliment and turned around with that Dwight frown and said "you don't have to lie, I know I'm not easy to please." I smiled and said maybe I wasn't easy to train. Finally at the end of our shift the manager came over. Dwight stood next to Thomas frowning at my uselessness.
I said "well, I'm sorry I was so slow today, I hope I pick up speed for you."
Dwight rolled his eyes and said "I'm not a patient man."
I said "I have no idea what you mean, you were so quick to show me my mistakes and how to do things properly! You are a fantastic trainer!"
A mollified Dwight puffed his chest like a toad and Thomas gazed at me shrewdly. He knew... I'm sure he knew.
The second day Dwight sat at a picnic table outside at 3AM smoking a cigarette. He greeted me as soon as I stepped out of my car so I walked over to talk. He explained to me that he has rigorous expectations in his professional life and he was sorry if he had been harsh the day before. I thought that meant he had a day job.
I said, "Do you have a day job?"
He said, "I am a full time student."
I said "Oh! What is your major?"
He said "Philosophy."
I said "Oh... do you plan to be a professor?"
He gazed at me patronizingly and crisply said, "No, I intend to get a masters in business and become a CEO."
I silently pondered this and realized he had been explaining to me that he considers the 3AM shift package handling "his professional life."
For a week Blake barked out commands and Thomas needled me with sarcasm. I have to admit I kinda liked it. Thomas kept talking about making me cry... which I though was a joke... until I did see another girl crying. It never did pan out for them with me but seriously they tried.
My second week, the clerk came back from vacation. He was basically Newman. Sneaky, kind of shady and always so damn talkative and happy. Newman would give me painstaking directions for things that were perfectly obvious and then fail to point out things I desperately needed to learn. In hindsight, I'm not sure if he was purposely hamstringing me or if he was just very cerebral with his head in the clouds, creating wild scenarios and forgetting he was at work entirely. Then one day, he exploded. His tirade against Thomas lasted a good half an hour until the ever sensible and calming Chris pointed out that he could get fired if he didn't shut up... which I doubt since he is union. So he settled... but again... it was a very Newman explosion. After two weeks of clerking with Newman the center manager Wendy came over and chewed our asses handily. She mentioned things we had failed to do that Newman had never explained or supervised of course. We both quietly apologized and then she caught me alone and said "It looks like you've got the hang of this and just need him out of the way." So cringy. He thought he was training me as a back up for when he took vacations or needed a sick day. Not to replace him. After that day he gave me an exact replica of a "Hello Jerry" smile every day. It was terrible. And I think I'm still Jerry in his world. My new solution is to tell him I think they've about given up on me ever being proficient and I'm sure we will be swapping places soon. It seems to keep his animal in the cage. And in all honesty, I think it will happen. He's ten times faster than me.
Three days before I started my new job Nick used the F word. My sweet little Nick. Jody and I looked at one another... and something cracked inside of me. I finally had my message from God about my little pet sin. Years of habit and really kind of an identity as the crazy girl who drops the F bomb at Bible Study and shrugs and says hey God hasn't convicted me yet... I thought it would be impossible to curb... but I just couldn't anymore. A dirty word just isn't dirty until you see it come out of an innocent child's mouth, conviction complete. So I was done. But dammit I'm keeping my whiskey.
The UPS'ers were not impressed when I arrived my first day. And they proceeded to put me through UPS boot camp in hopes I would wash out. In a random human moment, my manager Thomas apologized if the language offended me. I smothered a chuckle and said no it was fine. I have since been told that starting your job at UPS as a clerk is not advisable and possibly the hardest introduction to working there... so as my luck would have it, the clerk was on vacation and they shoved me into his spot fixing mislabeled packages. It wasn't the most physical job in the center but I did have to work very quickly without a single minute of pre-training and I was under the watchful disapproving gaze of "Dwight Schrute." Thomas led me to the clerks station and said "Blake this is Elizabeth, train her as a clerk." I gazed up at him and he pressed his lips into a long familiar purse. I thought "hello Dwight" and I was not to be disappointed. He spoke of things only Dwight would, a shooting excursion, the fact that he has no need to raise a child with his own DNA when he could foster and make money off of raising children and many more delightful topics that have escaped my memory. As these details unfolded, my mental narrator went into overdrive checking boxes as he exhibited every single personality trait of Dwight, right down to the dead eye expression when he thought I was lacking intelligence. I never dreamed "The Office" training I received by watching all 9 seasons would be so valuable, but it stood me in good stead. I accepted his biting criticisms of my box repair speed, my failure to remember everything he said the first time, my obvious F10 and F3 memory deficiencies as well as my total lack of wing span for carrying large boxes. In turn, I complimented his taping skills, thanked him for training me repeatedly and even asserted that he was incredibly nice when someone asked how he was treating me.
He heard the compliment and turned around with that Dwight frown and said "you don't have to lie, I know I'm not easy to please." I smiled and said maybe I wasn't easy to train. Finally at the end of our shift the manager came over. Dwight stood next to Thomas frowning at my uselessness.
I said "well, I'm sorry I was so slow today, I hope I pick up speed for you."
Dwight rolled his eyes and said "I'm not a patient man."
I said "I have no idea what you mean, you were so quick to show me my mistakes and how to do things properly! You are a fantastic trainer!"
A mollified Dwight puffed his chest like a toad and Thomas gazed at me shrewdly. He knew... I'm sure he knew.
The second day Dwight sat at a picnic table outside at 3AM smoking a cigarette. He greeted me as soon as I stepped out of my car so I walked over to talk. He explained to me that he has rigorous expectations in his professional life and he was sorry if he had been harsh the day before. I thought that meant he had a day job.
I said, "Do you have a day job?"
He said, "I am a full time student."
I said "Oh! What is your major?"
He said "Philosophy."
I said "Oh... do you plan to be a professor?"
He gazed at me patronizingly and crisply said, "No, I intend to get a masters in business and become a CEO."
I silently pondered this and realized he had been explaining to me that he considers the 3AM shift package handling "his professional life."
For a week Blake barked out commands and Thomas needled me with sarcasm. I have to admit I kinda liked it. Thomas kept talking about making me cry... which I though was a joke... until I did see another girl crying. It never did pan out for them with me but seriously they tried.
My second week, the clerk came back from vacation. He was basically Newman. Sneaky, kind of shady and always so damn talkative and happy. Newman would give me painstaking directions for things that were perfectly obvious and then fail to point out things I desperately needed to learn. In hindsight, I'm not sure if he was purposely hamstringing me or if he was just very cerebral with his head in the clouds, creating wild scenarios and forgetting he was at work entirely. Then one day, he exploded. His tirade against Thomas lasted a good half an hour until the ever sensible and calming Chris pointed out that he could get fired if he didn't shut up... which I doubt since he is union. So he settled... but again... it was a very Newman explosion. After two weeks of clerking with Newman the center manager Wendy came over and chewed our asses handily. She mentioned things we had failed to do that Newman had never explained or supervised of course. We both quietly apologized and then she caught me alone and said "It looks like you've got the hang of this and just need him out of the way." So cringy. He thought he was training me as a back up for when he took vacations or needed a sick day. Not to replace him. After that day he gave me an exact replica of a "Hello Jerry" smile every day. It was terrible. And I think I'm still Jerry in his world. My new solution is to tell him I think they've about given up on me ever being proficient and I'm sure we will be swapping places soon. It seems to keep his animal in the cage. And in all honesty, I think it will happen. He's ten times faster than me.
