The wake up call

I had a snowball three days of personal crisis culminating with a movie night to see "Mom's Night Out". It was with two other stay at home moms who happen to be some of my dearest friends.  They spent days planning this night and at the last minute I jotted off an email giving my regrets for missing the show and explaining that I'm on a never ending crying jag when I hesitated then hit delete and typed a whole new email and just said yes. Thank you Jesus. I laughed and cried so hard at that movie. Thank goodness we had the theater to ourselves. Then I processed for about 24 hours and this is what I concluded. Who would think that a movie could speak to me on a level that no human ever has, personally, from the pulpit, in a conference, through a book... They jut nailed me. They nailed my problem and this is my conclusion:
So I've rolled around in my messes wondering why I'm so awful and tried a million fixes and fallen into the same sins. It's the human condition. I'm actually so acclimated that I was well on my way to hating myself in spite of the fact that God made me and he loves me. The one's who knew me and loved me best got that and always tried a gentle redirect after reading one of my self recriminating blogs. "You're so hard on yourself" was the gentle refrain. It actually made me angry. Because anger is my crutch and I wanted to fight my way out of situations and blame myself for every bad thing that happened, every relationship breakdown, every forgotten school event, every missed bill. It took coming to the point of being willing to let it go just like the movie we all love to hate "FROZEN"(solemn face). So, I've let go of hating myself. It's a much more logical reset button than focusing on steps to avoid life's pitfalls. I hated myself so much I let myself agonize and self recriminate for things I honestly did not care about. I used them as examples of how bad I am. It was miserable, why didn't I realize I was creating my own misery? So, that's done, I'm just going to enjoy being me and enjoy my life and enjoy the one's who love me and love them back. I'm done dissecting myself to death and feeling guilty for not taking perfect care of my health needs, worrying about things I will never be good at, agonizing over people who will never completely love me with my faults included. None of it matters. Yesterday, I accepted that nobody is more perfectly loved by God than me so who cares. The never ending mantra that you have to love yourself to receive love always drove me crazy. It sounded narcissistic. I get it now. How disappointing for God to be beaming down and loving me and trusting me with his missions while I roll around crying over spilled milk and missing His call entirely. It took a really bad day with a little mission from God that I somehow thankfully picked up on for me to turn my life over and see it from another perspective and I'm excited. I'm blessed. I'm free. That need for acceptance from everyone is gone. I'm ok with some people not liking me. Maybe God made me for a special group of people. LOL! I'm ok with my social faux pas. I'm ok with my depression. I'm ok with my grief. I'm ok with my muffin top. I'm ok with whatever I get. It's my lot in life and it's not a reflection of my mission, my calling, my purpose. It's just stuff. So, I'm done with accepting all of the blame for relationship failures, and beating myself up for being forgetful and dumping loads of drama on my faithful friends created by my insecurities rooted in self loathing. I am suddenly thinking... uh yeah, I'm pretty sure God can work in all of those problems if I just love Him, love me, love people and read His word.  It's not coincidental that loving myself makes me less judgmental and unloving towards other people. God loves me this way and He can use me, I know it because He is and he can change me too if he wants, that would be great.