Hold them tight

Today Eden put her hair in a messy bun and left it. She did the same thing yesterday. It's a small step toward becoming the confident woman I see emerging. Morning after morning I have driven her to school for these two years of middle school. Her journey has been at times excruciating and at times amazing. One agony was in watching her come out of her bedroom wearing something beautiful or exotic for school and then at the last possible second retreat and change into something plain or ordinary and walk out the door with her shoulders hunched. It killed me. I couldn't convince her she looked amazing. Day after day I would watch her put her hair into a bold messy bun or braids only to jerk it all down on the drive to school and drag her fingers through a kinky mess then put on a bored expression and walk into school. I tried to see into her heart and imagine the struggle of wanting to express yourself confidently in a big school and then losing the nerve. I never went to middle school. I don't know what she's gone through. That makes it harder. It reminds me of my kids getting a virus and then catching it myself. If only I'd known how miserable they were when they caught it and not after! Oh Eden, I so wish you hadn't had to survive such a grueling experience. I wish I had focused so much more on lifting you up than complaining about how heavy you were getting. 

So I dropped her off and she said she loved me and walked inside, no drama, messy bun intact with her comfy clothes on. I have waited and waited for this day. That's when I realized something was happening with the car in front of mine. A mom and daughter were outside by the passenger door and the mom seemed flustered. The daughter seemed undecided then started to walk away and the mom stood there for a second watching then began walking around her car to the drivers door but then the girl said something and and the mom looked up. They both tried to walk opposite ways around the car back to one another and then finally the girl bumbled her way back to her mommy. She pressed her face into her mothers shoulder and the mom wrapped her arms tightly around her. I felt tears and said "oh baby" to myself just like I was that mom. The scene reached my core. Gone are the days of idle speculation, judgement and morbid curiosity. Here are the days of solidarity, support and finding the familiar in a stranger. 

When you stand at the threshold of parenting a middle schooler listen to me. Every time they throw you a curve ball, hug them and keep loving and stay consistent. They are essentially going through another toddler stage, trying everything you broke them of as toddlers and are just as desperate for your quiet solid strength and comfort now as they were at 2. Don't forget to hold them tight. 

Fist bump to the random lady in driveline. You are such a good momma.