A memorial to 55 million Americans slain

Tonight ended like many nights do. I snuggled Hazel to sleep, tripped over a block on the way to the crib with her, woke her up and had her possessively grab my hand and hold it tightly for about 10 minutes until she fell asleep again. As her little hands held mine, I couldn't help but think about all of the little hands that have struggled and fought to survive against an abortionist as they were systematically dismembered and removed from their mothers wombs. Little babies, crumpled in pain, fruitlessly struggling against a dark and evil force. I argue with people about this dark evil practice and they always talk about a woman's body... and her rights. Unfortunately, it isn't her body that hangs in the balance, it's someone else's. Someone tiny and defenseless. Someone who could be as amazing as my little Eden. My little baby that could have easily been aborted if I hadn't had morals, education and convictions. I was a single girl, living in a basement apartment across town from an ex-boyfriend who I wasn't on speaking terms with. If I hadn't been someone who knows that the things unseen are every bit as real as the things seen, my life could have turned out dramatically differently. I'm pondering a world without Eden and it rips a hole in my heart. I can't imagine anything without her. She's a part of the fabric of my life. She's a wonder to me. She saved me from spinning my wheels and put my life into drive. She's the only kind of oldest child to have. She is so kind to her younger siblings and always wishes she had a big sister or brother. She tries to be what she wishes she had. I am so glad I protected her and gave her life. Even if Jody and I hadn't worked it out, knowing her and seeing all that she has in front of her... I wonder what she will do with the life God gave her. The life I guarded. To the 55 million other people who weren't so lucky, I am so sorry but I want you to know that I am raising four mighty warriors who will champion you and if they save a life, a tiny little helpless defenseless life... maybe it will be a start.

Where has my motivation gone?

I used to just thrive on writing about my little monkeys and then Hazel came... it's like I'll never adjust to having four kids. I love them all the same, but finding time to tabulate the experience of parenting them doesn't seem to be in the cards. Eden is 10. It's so fun. I love love love, having a 10 year old. She hangs out with me, talks about everything (but not too much) and helps me in whatever ways she can think to. She's loving to her siblings, good at being a friend and just generally a fantastic person to be around. Hazel is 1. I have loved this year. She is beautiful, funny, devilish, sweet, cuddly and always up to something. She finally has four teeth and her smile is so hilarious with those teeth. She grips her hands and squeezes as hard as she can while she wrinkles up her nose and grunts then lets out her breath with a big sigh and laughs at herself with us. Everywhere we go, she's thrilled and pointing at things and chattering gibberish. Her birthday was fantastic. She got a baby doll and went into raptures over it. Squealing, patting the box, trying to get the baby out. Then when Jody lifted the baby out and held it out to her she leaned forward with arms outstretched and said "bayyyy" then she screamed when she held it. I've never seen a one year old baby do that. It was adorable. Today I'm a happy mommy and wife. Life is as it should be. My only frustration is finding a home for this happy family of six. It's a huge job and so overwhelming. I hope it all turns out great in the end.

Walkin on Sunshine!

Tonight I tucked my four little monkeys into bed. Each one clung to me like super glue. With their little stick like arms hanging on to me and their sweet hair in my nose, I honestly didn't want to go anywhere. But eventually the bedtime circus ends, they prayers are said, the teeth are brushed and my babies are floating off to slumberland. I walked down the stairs and as usual my ankle popped, my hip ached and my sacrum wobbled. I smiled and thought about how the little creaks in my body are relics of pregnancies from the most amazing little people in the world. Right now, at this very hectic time in my life (schedule wise) they all love me so overwhelmingly and beautifully. They want to be with me, they treasure moments alone with me... all four of them at the same time! Yes, really four kids who can't have enough of me. I feel like some kind of competition for Taylor Swift in this house. It's like I'm a rockstar or a chocolatier or a person who makes animal balloons. Why am I so popular? It blows my mind but it's true. It's really quite a miracle (considering I frequently go on diva like screaming rampages about people being too slow or taking my stuff or leaving goop for me to step in) and I'm thankful. A little birds eye view of my life: Hazel is comfort nursing while she teethes (ouch!). Eden is a tween and I'm having all of those interesting conversations like what ovaries are with her. Kaitlyn is teetering between the innocent little mess maker (yes goop in the floor!) and the cognizant child (cleaner upper of own messes). She's trying to figure it out but keeps tripping. Nick is jumping into school with both feet and learning so fast but needs so much one on one time which we love but have to work so hard to make happen. I have all of these spelling lists, reading logs, tests to study for, after school activities and SOMEONE just can't stand for anything to be left in my cabinets, dresser drawers or laundry baskets, makes huge messes when eating anything, poops in diapers and nurses never endingly! It just goes with the territory I suppose but I honestly never thought I'd be multi tasking at the level I am right now and yet still be filled the gift of love from so many quarters that my cup runs over. Husband, children, parents, siblings, friends, in-laws. I'm just amazed. I'm holding on and I'm loving this. I probably seem like I'm always complaining to people but really I'm just talking my way through the most mind blowing experience imaginable. Life is like your own little movie and sometimes you just can't believe how many tiny little pieces make it all up. This will seem rather ramshackle but I'm going to just say go and try to list off 20 blessings in the last week as fast as I can! I am not going to include the wonderful phone calls, emails and personal chats and visits I have with all of my friends on a regular basis. That would make it all too numerous! And I think I do a pretty good job of letting people know I truly cherish those blessings of friendship! Go! 1. Wink offered a temporary home to my family of SIX if we don't find a house to buy before our lease is up. I can't say that we would ever accept the overwhelmingly generous offer unless our situation was completely dire but I'm overwhelmed by the generosity. 2. I sold my friend Bart's car and she insisted I keep way too much money from the whole transaction. 3. Jody's mom just sent ANOTHER giant box of adorable clothes for my ridiculously blessed children and an AWESOME pair of jeans for me that are one of my favorite brands along with some cute shirts (she says I'm the daughter she never had and I hope nobody ever takes my place! LOL!). 4. My sister sent me a coffee grinder. Out of the clear blue... I guess she got sick of helping my broken one cripple along for the two weeks per year that she is here. I wonder if she will buy me a new bathroom scale next. 5. Jody took Kait mountain biking for her first time and she loved it. They had ice-cream together afterwards and she seemed to be floating on air. 6. My mom offered to come watch the kids if I get to go visit Bart in Israel. Such great grandparents my kids have! 7. Kait made me breakfast in bed on Sunday! 8. Hazel hugs me and kisses me and waves from the loft when she's upstairs and smiles so big her nose wrinkles. 9. Eden and I went out for coffee tonight and she told me it was "awesome" and that she will talk to me about everything whenever she has sick days at school (whatever that means!). 10. I took the kids to Wink and MJ's farm today and the girls climbed a cottonwood tree so high my knees got weak. 11. I got tons of honey crisp apples in the cull section at the grocery store 6 for $1 and I LOVE honey crisp apples but never buy them they're so darn expensive! 12. Jody's Aunt MaryLu sent us a great book with 40 days of prayer for the nation. We can't wait to start it! 13. I made Jody's tea and he hasn't had a pop in at least three days. I'm on a roll, gotta keep him off the cancer juice! 14. I also scored a super pretty hydrangea in the clearance section at KS and am loving watering it and loving on it. It blesses me every day to have it around. 15. I walked three days last week and it felt so great! I am loving being on a somewhat regular walking schedule. 16. The girls schedules got meshed so Eden and Kait have karate and volleyball practice on the same nights twice a week. Such a huge blessing. 17. Jody is taking both girls to above said practices and it's really special to all of us especially since we love to have family dinners. 18. We have family dinners at least 5 times per week and I think that's probably above the national norm and we love them. 19. My neighbor Christine got me started having each family member share a rose and a thorn at dinner. I love this part of the day so much. I find out little things probably nobody would have told me otherwise. 20. My friend Jenn has been bringing me fresh herbs. Despite being too much of a skunk to plant any, I have unlimited access to fresh basil and rosemary which I'm hopelessly addicted to. Plus Wink gave us a very cool Japanese radish to try! Love fresh blessings! Hm, wow that took about 30 seconds apiece I think. And now I can see what a beautiful life I have. Mmm, that's good! Muah!

The confidant, the genius, the spelling and the giver

I've always felt like Eden was on the other side of a glass. If I was upset my frustration didn't get through. If she had a bad day at school, I could barely tell and above all, I just wasn't her confidant. Her secrets were her own and that was just that. Her life away from me was never related in any detail. I never knew whether she had gone to PE or Science Lab. I never knew who she played with unless I asked. I never knew anything. I remember when her name was drawn from getting a dragon scale and she got to raise the flag with the Principal at school. Her teacher told me. A few months ago I put a chip in that armor when I found out she might have a teeny little crush. She was very secretive but I can be quite the insufferable wart. I did not leave her alone day and night until I pried it out of her but only after promising to never tell any of my friends. After that, the dam broke. She told me a few stories about kids at school. Then this fall we started an 8 week course at our church called Princess Club. Going to this class just the two of us and me allowing her to sit up front with me opened the floodgates. She realized I really could keep a secret, she realized I really was curious about school and friends and what people said and how they treated each other. She realized I really won't tell other mom's stuff unless it's necessary. It's been really neat. I'm grateful for what we are building between us. Maybe it's just in time. Nick started school knowing A,B,C,I,K,O and N. He was a little sketchy at writing his name and completely at sea in the classroom. His teacher was horrified that I would send him to school so blatantly unprepared. I love Mrs. Millane but she has clear feelings on preschool, homeschool and in Nick's case... no school. She repeated several true phrases to me that made me feel pretty horrible like "everything is just completely new to him" and "he's just so much slower than everyone else" It was a blow to my pride. I had done so much preschool with the girls that I felt half guilty and half righteous about letting Nick just play and forget all about letters, numbers and all of that stuff. Hours of hot wheels, nerf guns, super hero action figures and riding his bike. That was it. That's what he wanted to do, so we did it. All of the race car and action figure time left his fingers quite nimble. He can hold a pencil or marker longer than either of his sisters ever dreamed of holding when they were his age. One month into class and he knows all of his upper case and all of his lower case letters. Just to really test him, I wrote b,d,p,q and asked him what they were. He told me. I find it so exciting that I have this proof that I did the right thing by him but I still feel pretty judged by his teacher, as though she is fixing the mess I made of this poor child. I say that on one hand but on the other I know she prays for him and I know her prayer is that he will have a love of learning which has certainly happened. I know that he went to kindergarten pretty young so I feel a rush inside me and I'm happy that he waited to do school stuff until now. His enthusiasm is adorable. Every afternoon he does worksheets, and learning games on the computer and reads books with me and writes. He's completely immersed and having a wonderful time with it. He never asks if he can just quit and go play because somehow it's just time and he likes it. Kait's got spelling issues. She comes by it quite naturally. Her Unky Dunky can't spell to save his life. I'm going to contact special ed and find out exactly what is missing so I can do some specific practicing with her. It's quite strange to see her struggle because she's so brilliant, and verbal and confident in life. I'm sure I just missed something along the way and need to fill in the gaps but it's funny how every little struggle your child faces makes you look at yourself as their mother and wonder what you have done wrong. Being a mom is tougher than I ever could have imagined. Hazel is giving us stuff now. I once said I wasn't sure there was anything cuter than a baby who claps. Oh, there is. It's a baby who gives. She puts it in my hand, then takes it and puts it in Jodys hand then takes it and puts it back in my hand. It might be any little toy but she will do this over and over and smile so happily and proudly at us. I look at each of their faces. They are so special each of them. They are so amazing and wonderful and I pray that I will empower them to be whatever God made them to be, to do whatever God gave them the abilities to do and to love with their whole beings.

louaa

This evening Nick arranged a couple of step stools and some of Hazel's toys in a row for some jumping games. He did it several times then asked if I'd like a turn. I allowed that it looked pretty fun and we started doing fancy jumps, galloping jumps, skip jumps and then Hazel got in our path. Nick announced that we needed to move the baby but I just jumped over her. He put his hands on his hips and told me no way was he going to jump over her. I then started making a schwa schwa schwa sound as I jumped and suggested he have a jumping sound. He started meowing with each jump and confided in me that he likes cats a lot. Then he pursed his lips and said "louaa... do you know what louaa means Mom?" I said "no, I don't." He said "it means (oh man I forgot what he said it means! I hope he remembers when I ask him tomorrow!)" I said "oh, in what language?" He said "baby language (in an incredulous tone, as though I should know what language he was referring to)... or Spanish I'm not sure." It was nice of him to let me know. And finally about 45 minutes after bedtime I heard a rustle in his room and popped in to have a look see. There was little Nick huddled in his closet looking at "Rescuers Down Under." He glanced up so casually and said "oh, hi Mom" and gave me a beatific smile. What to do with him, I really am not sure. In other news, we are looking desperately for a renter for the Kasson house. Put out the BPA please! Also, Hazel finally got her first tooth today. It is about time!

Today I realized a lot of things:

Today: Got up, realized I have pink eye in both eyes just like after Kait's birthday party at Boondocks when the bumper boat water got in my eyes. Eden had a very red eye too. I drove everyone else to school, we parked in the FRCC lot and I called the doctor and they gave me a pink eye prescription. Went to Target to fill it and realized pharmacy didn't open til 9. Waited got a coffee... They were out of it so I had them send the scrip over to Walgreens on Ken Pratt. We go over there, get it. realize the dogs are still in the basement and high tail it home. I run around stripping sheets and trying to see through my fiery eyes. Realize we are out of time! Back in the car, have long conversations about Cotton every time we pass "his new home". Pick up Nick and Ashton, come back home. Feed everyone lunch. Back in the car for Eden's allergy appt. Stop to see if Cotton is around. (cringing inside) Poor Hazel is completely frazzled but she has no idea how much longer this day will be. Get to the allergy place, the guy lights Eden's arms on fire and and announces he will be back in 15 minutes. Realize I should have arrayed child care for this foray. Nick runs over Hazels hand with a wheeled chair. Eden clenches her fists and moans. Hazel escapes into the docs office a couple times. I nurse Hazel. I make Nick look at a book because he's being completely crazy in that little room. I have graham cracker crumbs and applesauce all over me and I realize I reek of body odor (it's ANOTHER 96 degree day). Back in the car, call Jody, we conclude the treatment is probably too expensive maybe she can start it sometime down the road soon. (groan) Realize I don't have the diaper bag but I don't have time to go back for it. Realize my sunglasses are in that diaper bag. Get to the bank to pay rent and realize (again) that my checkbook is out of checks. Go running to the school to pick up kids and call other carpool mom to ask if I can take her kids to a few banks. Go to my bank, withdrawl cash. Go to other bank, deposit it for the landlord. Go home, unload dishwasher and reload it as fast as possible while yelling at Kait to find comfortable clothes for karate. Take all four kids to karate which is next door to Blackjack Pizza. Realize I'm starving and down and buy a pizza, stuff two pieces down my throat while standing beside the outdoor table waving bees off of the three kids not in karate. Hustle everyone back into the car, run home, nurse Hazel, change clothes and dash out the door with Eden for Princess Club. Arrive at Princess Club late only to realize I have somehow missed some beautiful ceremony where all of the little girls dress their mothers up in toilet paper for a fashion show. Am I sorry? A little when I look at Eden's thrilled face. About 10 minutes into the discussion I realize Princess Club is basically a support group for the most amazing mothers on Earth and I'm sitting there afraid they will find out I came without an invitation. Driving home from Princess Club where I have realized that my children have far too much freedom of movie choices, internet access and phone access. Well, far too much freedom in general. It puts me into an introspective funk. As we drive home Eden says "We're just sitting here driving. What are we going to talk about?" Who are you and what have you done with my daughter? Remember? The one who waits three years to tell me she watched some random movie at school? The one who shrugs and makes a hang ten sign when I ask ANYTHING about her life? Get home, tuck all four kids into bed. Eyes are BURNING on fire and yet, I still had to blog it. I just had to.

It's my sisters birthday!!!

Ha! What a ride! Are we old enough that we stop telling our age yet? I wonder how you know when that happens. Here's a toast to __ years of being Gin! God gave her to me as surely as he gave me Jody. She's my bestie in the world. We lived in each others shadows in every way. She always wished she could speak her mind like me and I always wished I could keep my trap shut like her. She wished she could boss people around like me, I wished I could have her "magic eyes" all the guys talked about so I wouldn't have to boss people around. We've been sisters from the bottom of the barrel all the way up to the days of overflowing. I remember one particular rocky phase of life when I wasn't keeping track of my cell phone minutes and got at least a $600 bill back in my single days. Whew! How did I even ever pay that off??? All I got to say is this. Eden, Kait, Nick and Hazel. Someday, if you hold on to your siblings and treat them right and always make time for them and always put time together in the budget... you just might get to have a real deal mustache photo op and laugh until you cry. You might look at your wedding pictures 10 or 15 years later and know that you picked the right maid of honor. You might get to raise your kids together and laugh your way through life together and always always always be glad that you treated them right because they're your very best friends in the whole world. I kinda want to reminisce but I kinda just want to write something happy and silly and say she's the greatest ever and I HOPE with all my heart that my kids are as tight as Gin and I are when they grow up. She's the finest friend a person could ever have.

A Faraway Friend

I have many great friends who move in a dance of holding special places in my life and giving and taking. It's like a kaleidoscope of beautiful and completely different experiences. Sometimes everything goes right and builds something beautiful and... sometimes it goes badly and explodes to make a new design that eventually becomes beautiful again. I'm thankful for them all. The "true blues" that can make you brunch, drive you crazy, make you laugh til your stomach hurts worse than an ab workout, listen to the most mundane facts of your life, stare in stupefaction at you when you cry about being pregnant and carry you up out of the ravine like soldiers when you hit the bottom. I've found them everywhere and it wasn't by chance. It was by God's design. He gives us opportunities for relationships and we can grow them or not, which leads me to the the story of my faraway friend. When friends part, you know the routine. A tight hug, some wiped tears and you're off, staying in touch Facebook style and going on with life (Knelly being the one exception). When I had to leave Minnesota, Knelly was plugged in, checking on me, encouraging me and always cheering me on to be strong and not lose courage. Four years later, we still talk on the phone all of the time and get together every chance we get. It's a sad event to part with friends but this last time, I learned from my chum Knelly and through the generosity of my husband with time, I was able to go ahead and be that friend to the last curtain call. To help in any way I could and to give in whatever way was needed. What I learned was of course, that the reward was my own. I have more memories, a closer friend, lots of groceries (hahaha) and it was easier to let go. No missed chances or regrets, I listened when she needed a listener, commiserated when she struggled with hard choices and jumped at every chance to have some coffee, make margs, watch a terrible movie or let her wrestle for a chance to hold my baby.

We crammed some pretty hilarious times in to our short but freakin awesome 18 months of being neighbors. Heck, she even got me to go paint a picture... so WEIRD for me to even be writing that.

I had the difficult (gulp) honor of taking her family to their hotel beside the airport the night before their flight. I think I knew it was going to be hard but I couldn't have predicted the enormity of emotion and gravity in that experience. When we pulled up to their house, I saw her husband sitting on his front porch with his head in his hands, obviously praying that he had done the right thing (I believe he did but I suppose that's irrelevant). As we pulled out of their driveway I silently listened to her oldest son tell his house goodbye and then his neighborhood goodbye as we pulled onto the main road. Her little guy sat beside me and held a brave face as well. In two weeks they will be plunged into a school in another country surrounded by unrest and rumors of war. I really can't imagine how their little minds were whirling. From the other side of the car Bart said "now are you starting to feel a little sad E?" The car silently glided down the road in the dark and I had memories of going down that road with Bart so many times on our jaunts to Costco. We had spent the last year propping each other up for every trip like a couple of cripples because one of us never could motivate to go unless the other went. Can we say co-dependent? I feel like there should be canned laughter after every memory I relate about Bart because we are authentic with each other and it's slightly ridiculous. I'd been sad for weeks but all day long that last day of helping them get ready to leave I had run on adrenaline and now it came to a screeching halt and I just felt like an interloper. This family was launching on a new beginning beyond my comprehension and here I was invading a personal and very poignant moment. I chattered inanely about my very normal life to which the family offered occasional polite replies. We pulled into the 7-11 and her younger glanced at the tire air machine and said "feed the starving?!!! oh... the children... I thought it said chickens." We all laughed together with relief; we could really just think something was funny for a second. When we got to the hotel I snapped pictures of the cute little family and hugged my chum good bye. We cried and it felt like she was drowning in grief for the home she was letting go of and I could hear her heart breaking in her voice. I really wanted to give her something to hold on to, something she could hold that would help her on those hard days when she just wants to go home. I didn't have much but I gave it a shot. In not so many words, I told her we won't just be Facebook friends who rarely talk and always say we should. We'll take time for each other and when/if she comes back we'll pick up where we left off and stay tight. I gave her a real final hug and right before she walked through the door I told her I loved her and it seemed like my voice echoed. I know I was a poor substitute for the parents and siblings that should have been standing there with her right then but I did my best.

It seemed like one memory tumbled over another as I drove back home. I cried as I passed Costco (then laughed out loud at myself for crying about Costco), pulled into the neighborhood and remembered a hot day we went out geocaching with all of the kids, one of those fun when you're not having fun deals. I was driving the car that had been Barts transportation that fateful day Nick ran away on his strider and Bart bailed me out and found him for the police (although the newspaper had a different version).

Mostly just mundane simple little "funny to me" memories. Eh, it's just hard to part with a friend you have history with. Funny history, like watching the worst movie ever made together start to finish and then staring at each other scarred for life. It was a bittersweet drive home. At 1AM I went to bed but I knew she was in her hotel room rearranging her suitcases and discovering that all of her well intentioned friends had thrown some pretty important stuff away. LOL! One day, I can't remember exactly when or why, I told Bart that we were just baby friends and our friendship hadn't been tested. We laughed so hard about that and called each other our baby friends for awhile. About a year later she asked if we were still baby friends or had we graduated? I told her we might have made it to middle school since she had a friendship bracelet from me (courtesy of Eden) to which she replied with an "oooh, middle school is a tough time for friendships!" This blog is to record the milestone that Bart and I are now officially seasoned and solid friends. She's proven her mettle in tolerating a sometimes mean, mostly brash but always (except when pregnant) stable friend and she's proven herself to be irreplaceable in my life, she's a true blue but unfortunately very faraway friend.

Part of me was afraid to write this post because perhaps some of my other fantastic friends would feel slighted... then I thought of how ridiculous I am to assume I'm so important to people. LOL! Regardless, I have to stay true to my original intent in creating a blog, give people some laughs and give my kids a true account of their childhood and the lessons their mother learned in life.

Four little monkeys

They are monkeys because I love them but they drive me crazy! Hazel is nine months old today. It seems like I could have at least written a little bit about how she's growing and changing once per month but since I just thought of it, I guess that plan is out. Besides, she was born during the school year. Dread! How I hate the school year! She is such a driven, determined bundle of energy. She has mastered climbing the stairs, crawling, screaming and is working on backing down the stairs. I only give her a couple more days before I can feel pretty confident that she knows how. She says dada to Jody and mama to me. She can say hi but doesn't do it much. It's kind of a singsong hi-i. She waves, claps, responds to her name and eats me out of house and home. She smiles as long as someone hasn't upset her by taking a shiny treasure away and giggles more for Nick than anyone else in the family. Jody can get good giggles out of her when he really tries. She still sucks her thumb rather adorably when she's tired. It's all been a whirlwind. I'm amazed her babyhood is flying by so quickly. After four, I now keenly realize that though people dread the baby phase, that's easy, the hard part is school. Ugh! Why is it almost August?! Maybe it will be easier the older they get. That's the best I can hope for.

Mercy me! Hazel climbed up a step on our stairs tonight! She is so driven! She just turned eight months old and is already trying to let go of things and stand alone. She holds on to the furniture and edges along it, crawls all over the place and is a complete menace in her walker. I think she wants to figure the stairs out so that she can go up in the loft with the big kids. She's non-stop action!

It's Father's Day

Today is the day I celebrate my wonderful father and the wonderful father of my children. I really don't know where to start because they are both such amazing men. I guess I will start with my father. It seems like my whole childhood revolved around my dad. Reading us stories out of the old Wizard of Oz books, riding on the fender of the tractor with him while he mowed hay, helping him round up cows or feed them. He had a full plate of work to do but always included us and tried to teach us things along the way. My childhood was very experiential. As a matter of course, I learned the names of all of the tools in his tool box, how to drive basically everything on the farm, run a chainsaw, pull a calf and anything else necessary. What my dad gave me for life was a simple appreciation for music, he sang and whistled constantly, an acceptance that not everything in life is easy and a belief that hard work is good work but it's always better to find an easier way to get it done. He helped me understand the physics of pulling a stuck vehicle out which most grown men don't know. He taught me to change my own tires and change my own oil. Well, for that matter he left me to drive vehicles that I had to take the fuel filters off of and shake rust out of and top of the brake fluid every time I drove them, so I can honestly say I've had some hair raising driving experiences that most people don't these days. He and Mom took us to church over and over and over. sometimes four times per week. Given how full their plate was, I am amazed by this now. My faith is solid, and it's because of my mom and dad. As adulthood has settled in for me, I have great admiration for my parents priorities during my childhood. They didn't have much to spend on us but what they did, wasn't spent on frivolities like clothing and image related items, but on enriching our lives with trips to camps, going to Christian concerts and doing things that made us look at our hearts. To my father, I thank you. You raised me right and it really helps with all of the things I have to do as an adult. To the father of my children. My Ammchara. Well, it seems that in the last 10 years we've lived a thousand lives and the surprises just keep coming. I am so thankful to have you at the helm of this crazy ship. I remember being so weak and in pain after Eden was born that I couldn't change her diapers. You were an instant expert, changing her diaper and swaddling her up and handing her to me in the hospital. It was like you put on fatherhood like a jacket that is so instantly comfortable, you feel like it's always been an extension of you. I have vivid pictures in my mind of you with each of your FOUR babies the day they were born. Your love and devotion to these little people has grown and never wavered. I have watched you guide our children with a stern hand when I just didn't have the heart to give them the discipline they needed. I've melted inside a hundred times, seeing the love you pour into them each night as you tuck them in and pray over their lives and bless them. I've died laughing when you play sharks and minnows or have giant wrestling matches. I've nearly passed out trying NOT to laugh when you have to handle something with the kids that they aren't supposed to know is hilarious. I'm thankful for you. There's a million times a day I wonder how any woman could parent alone without a father for their children. Life here in Allenville would be a train wreck without you. I love you and I thank God for you every day.

5 years old

My Nickster is five. I have loved watching him turn into the charming, witty, humorous, theatrical little boy that he is. I have loved watching Jody play with his little boy with little boy toys. This year he got a remote control car from Grandma and it's hard to say which of them was more excited. Nick loves me with devotion and his affection is more expressed than the rest of the family put together. He hugs me several times every day, picks me flowers and tells me he loves me continually. He wins me over with a smile and a tilt of the head. I think he could probably get me to do just about anything. I am told he is just like his daddy was as a little boy and I can imagine. Jody is a lover. No matter how angry I make him or how badly I disappoint him, he still holds my feet in his lap and talks me through life while he loves me without fail. Nick is lucky to inherit such characteristics. This morning Jody got up extra early and made mickey mouse shaped pancakes for the Nicks birthday before leaving for work. I was about to wake them up and he told me not to, and put them in the microwave for them to eat later. He didn't leave a dirty dish in the kitchen. I don't make this stuff up, I'm really that lucky!I intend to do a bunch of pics like I did on Kait's birthday come Saturday when I have party pics too. :)

Hanging by a thread

Mostly I'm a happy mom, who refuses to worry about bedbugs, kidnappers or falling out of trees. Once every few months, I fall into the depths of despair. I am cast in by being confronted with my failures. Staring at your imperfections and at the things you came up short on isn't fun. That's how it is this year at the end of school. I had Hazel and a lot of things just didn't go smoothly. Kait doesn't have a grasp on spelling yet and we didn't always study her spelling words. I only went to Eden's class one time this year, to deliver cupcakes for her birthday. I even missed the Animoto presentation yesterday. I have no memory of reading that it was happening or that I was invited. While I did acquire other extensive volunteer responsibilities this year, I quit volunteering weekly in Kait's class after Hazel was born. There are hard things in life about not having any family nearby and a lack of ever having a babysitter is one of them. Kait was okay with it. She loves her baby sister and I think it's pretty apparent to all of my kids that I wear about as many hats as I can handle. However, Kaitlyn's emotions met her match when her teacher announced that they would be serving an appreciation breakfast for the weekly volunteers. This would not include me, and of course I think it's terribly sweet that Ms. Baxter does something to show appreciation for the dedicated volunteers who have helped my sweet Kait learn all year. But Kait broke my heart. I asked her what she would be doing for the last day and she mentioned the breakfast. I jokingly said "oh the one for all of the people who actually did all of their volunteering in the class?" Her chin wobbled and she said "Ms. Baxter said it was okay because you had Hazel." I said "oh Kait, I'm sorry, I was just joking! It's okay, I don't mind not coming to the breakfast." What I didn't know was that practically every child had a parent volunteering in the class this year so very few kids would not be serving their parents. Kait started sobbing uncontrollably and told me that all of her friends were excited about it and she felt left out. I wish I could say that I told Kait it's really a breakfast to thank volunteers, not a parent child breakfast but I was already crying for her that her mommy hadn't been there to volunteer so I emotionally told her that she didn't need to go, she could stay home and have breakfast with me. She wanted to stay home for a minute but then a bit of steel crept into her jaw and she announced that she wanted to go to school and tell Ms. Baxter that she disagrees with it and that it should be for all of the volunteers. I told her she could do that if she wanted to, and that it's okay to respectfully tell a person how you feel. I asked her if having Hazel is better than a breakfast and she agreed but then started crying again. It literally drained the life out of me. I felt like scum on the bottom of a pond for not trying harder. Then Eden told her she was so sad for her and hugged her and told her she felt like crying too because Kait was so sad and I saw the wobble in her chin to prove it. That made me cry all over again seeing Eden caring for Kait. Eden hadn't had a great day either. Her teacher told her that she couldn't play with the parachute she brought to school for the End of Year party and that she didn't need Eden's toppings for the ice-cream either. I don't know how she could have made Eden feel any more useless if she tried and I'm sure it was just an oversight but it just made for a very crappy day. It highlighted to me how often adults completely overlook how children feel. We assume things, expect the little people to roll with the plan and have no idea about the turmoils inside. Of course if we knew about how they were feeling, we could help them understand situations better, but often we are so focused on pushing them to do what we need them to do that we miss the whole thing. I can't say that I finished the year well, but it's over. It's been so hard and so easy. Hazel is a delight, whatever is hard has nothing to do with the demeanor of my children. They are all loving, wonderful people whom I love more than words. It is mostly things like laundry, housing, carpool and the kitchen headache (what's for dinner?) I don't know if reading this someday will make my kids feel a bit better about this whole debacle, but I hope so. I hope they can look back on their childhood and say "mom and dad sure did love us" even if we do fail in a million little ways.

Kaity Belle etc...

This is a bit scattered but I'm harried. My life is barreling along like freight train and I'm missing getting some good stuff written down. About to blow out her candles:

With her new scooter!

At her birthday party at boondocks with her friend Fiona.

Oh, just had to add this one. Jody was a machine with that thing, had me soaking wet by the end!

Kaitlyn turned seven. It's crazy to even see that in print. I remember watching that streak of white hair in the front of her head growing in and wondering what it would look like someday. Someday is here and I love that white streak - when her hair is clean enough to see it. She's a divine work of God and I don't think anyone can look at her for more than two seconds without breaking out into a huge grin. Her being radiates happy energy and it's contagious. So, today was Mother's Day and Kait was managing everything, she had presents all lined up for me, a breakfast menu planned and she worked tirelessly all morning to make my Mother's Day morning special. I love her heart and dedication even if she does do that leading question thing "Mom, are you very happy that I didn't just quit working and leave everything up to Dad?" (she casts a sidelong glance at Eden who has her headphones on and is watching netflix on her iPod).

I mean, well, she's right but you just can't encourage such a "holier than thou" persona. I haven't quite figured out what to do with that. LOL Otherwise, my Mother's Day was very sweet. Jody got up early and ran to the store so they would have what they needed to make me a splendiferous breakfast. He came home with a bouquet of lilies for me and went to the tv and turned on the Sarah McLachlan pandora channel. It made me tear up because he thinks of little things like that even after 10 years of marriage. He knows deep down I wish we didn't even have a tv and I could just listen to music and he thought of it in the middle of all of the rest that he was doing for me. Just watching him painstakingly type in S-A-R-A-H made me all melty inside. Then he and Kait made these amazing little puff pastry cream cheese strawberry concoctions and it was AMAZING! I ate four, no kidding. The girls both made me something, Kait in art class and Eden at a birthday party, so now I have very special pottery to have tea and scones on every Saturday. Love love my girls! Jody got me some CUTE capri pants that fit perfect. I wish I could find stuff that fits me as well as he does. I don't know how he does it.
Anyway, the school year is coming to a close and it was a blur. Simply a blur. I did a record breaking "worst homework/test study stats ever" this year and I feel justified. I have Hazel and that's the way it is. Hazel is great. She warms my heart with her open mouth smiles and toothless chomping of cheerios. She's pure fun. Nick - oh boy, Jody told me the funniest story about him tonight. Jody came in from out front and Nick had the ovaltine container and apparently was dipping his fingers in and licking them off. Jody said "whatcha doing?" Nick said "what are YOU doing?" Jody said "do you have chocolate?" Nick said "no, this is chocolate milk mix." Jody said, ok well don't eat it, I'll be back inside in a minute and he went back out front. When he came back in Nick had put the mix away and was now camping out under the dining table. Jody crouched down and said "you know, you are one funny kid." Nick said "you're a mackadoo." Jody said "You're a mackadee." Nick said "You're a makadi" I've never seen a four year old with such a ready reply to everything. Hilarious.

Here's a couple pictures of my morning opening the very heartfelt gifts from my family.

http://afewshortcuts.com/2012/05/strawberry-cream-puff-pastry/

Yes, we are still house hunting. No, we do not know where we will wind up. It's kinda fun and exciting and crazy all at once. All I know is the stars have aligned and I think it all had something to do with Hazel. We couldn't buy a house until Hazel got here because she changes everything. Hazel has righted our world. When I think about how hard life was before her, I'm puzzled.
A final thought. I was selling furniture on Saturday and had an epiphany. I think we had to go to Minnesota so I could meet Knelly Dettinger and be best friends forever with her. She has been a godsend in my life. If I hadn't met her, well I don't know where our life would be right now or what it would be like because she changed everything. Thanks Knel!

Four things #4 has taught me so far...

The first thing that Hazel taught me is that you can experience raising a baby without glancing over your shoulder wishing you had tried to savor something more. I feel completely "in the now" with Hazel. Everything she does is grand and and I simply enjoy each moment. What's behind us is nothing but great memories and what's ahead of us rarely crosses my mind. I wept regularly each time I realized something had ended while raising my first three babies. Not Hazel. I feel completely content with who she is and where she's at now. Now is enough for me and I wish I could pass out this feeling to every new parent like coconut water or something. It's magic. Secondly, Hazel taught me that babies don't have elbows when they are born. I have regularly smoothed my hand over the spot that will be an elbow someday with great wonder. Thirdly, I noticed that I never said the word "no" to her until she was 5 months and 1 week old. I know this is starting to sound nonsensical but these things stand out to me. As a mother who says "no" a hundred times a day, there was a certain glory in the knowledge that I had one person in the house who I never had to say that word to until the reaching and grabbing and smushing into her mouth maneuvers started. But "no" is still a coo. I just coo it mindlessly while prying her fingers off of the window blinds or blades of grass she has just plucked or a crumpled piece of paper she has already half eaten. Fourth, I am divinely blessed to know her. It's a simple phrase but it's kinda heavy. I know an amazing little person who loves me and smiles at me and snuggles me. All that she is, amazes me. Not because I consider her a prodigy. Not because I think she's cognitively or physically superior to her peers. Not because I convinced myself she's been sitting up since she was two weeks old and playing chess since the age of 3 months. No, because she's Hazel. Hazel is great. She's my little chum and I'm so glad to know her, have her here and spend part of my life with her. I love her.

We're good for the money.

We are on a new adventure. We have finally reconciled ourselves to being landlords indefinitely. We've had five rounds of renters in our house in Kasson. Who knows, maybe they will leave this fall and make it six. I'm resigned and accepting but feel sorry for all of Jody's wonderful family who facilitate that very cumbersome responsibility. On the other hand, our landlord decided to raise the rent on us. We've never raised rent on any of our renters but they never stay very long so I guess it shouldn't bother me. I was feeling very sad about it and Jody felt like running his fist into the wall when I randomly told him we should see how much house we can buy with that liability still on our finances. It turns out that we have rented it for so long that we can buy another house. It certainly is about time. I cannot count how many people have told us to fold our cards on that house. I can't even recall all of the things we watched happen that made us press our lips bitterly together, like a friend's relative who did a short sale and bought a new house in less time than we could have imagined and of course far less time than we have been able to. I can't honestly say that we have made the right choices all along or that what happened with that house had to happen. Perhaps a more savvy person would have done some magic math and figured out a better and more cost saving plan. Regardless, we have done what we know to do and have survived without throwing in the towel. The only thing that held us strong to that conviction were the words of my parents who told me no matter how hard it got they never let Culligan go bankrupt when they owned it. Remembering something as a child and having that agonizing and admirable experience held up to me, gave me grit. So, Jody and I would whine and whimper from time to time but we held strong to the fact that someone in this world invested in us when we bought that house. Someone loaned us that money and we owed it to them to repay our debts no matter how much it cost us or how long it took. Yes it was a matter of pride, pride that I wish all adults had. As we faced unemployment, some very expensive cancer and an unexpected but incredibly wonderful and very expensive fourth child, it didn't seem like life was ever going to give us a financial break and maybe it never will but it made us stronger, happier, closer to God and more peaceful. This is a sermon I've probably put on my blog a few times before. Still, after four years of trying, tempting, testing and tempering, we feel good. We feel well rounded and the better for our experiences. The humility that comes from dealing with the consequences of each choice you make, whether good or bad can't be bought and is priceless. Am I proud of my found humility? I suppose so, maybe that negates it and it needs a new name. Whatever I'm transformed to by these experiences, I am thankful and I love it.
So now, it's 2012. In 2008 we started the season of never-ending drama. Please let 2012 be the season of never ending peace. We are finally house hunting. Jody has been told he can have checkups once per year instead of every six months. Hazel is born, paid for and developing wonderfully and adorably. The kids are passing all of their classes in school. We haven't had any bad news this year. I am so thankful!!!
So stay tuned! This is our year. Some day soon you might just be seeing pictures of something I had given up hope of having in my forseeable future, my family in a home that we can call our own in only 30 short years. :) Until then, whoever you are you wonderful investor, we're good for the money. ;)

Parachute

I love to write about my highs. I love to preserve the special and unforgettable moments that carry me across the lows like a parachute.
Yesterday I was feverishly working on the computer trying to sell furniture and house hunt while nursing Hazel when the girls clomped in. Eden had on my high heeled boots and Kait was wearing some open toe black high heels. They stood proudly in front of me and in a flash I was a little girl in my moms bathroom staring at her shoe organizer hanging over her closet door. In my mind I struggled to choose between the shiny gold strappy cork heels or the espadrilles with the knotted sandal top. It connected me to them. I felt a poof of fresh air pumped into me and I smiled and told them they are finally to the age that I remember as a child and it is so fun to see them do things I remember doing. Kait got a crafty look and said "did you wear your moms makeup too?" I said yes and they scampered into my bathroom. I visualized the clear plastic makeup organizer in my mom's medicine cabinet and all of the colorful makeup begging me to wear it, especially a circular compact of bright creme blush that she never wore herself. Sometimes I feel so tired, so taxed, so burdened that I miss the beauty of childhood. It really is beautiful. It's here with me to give me the lift I need to make it through the moment when I feel like a complete failure. Tonight was hard but I made it through and I think it was because I had been spending the last several days telling myself that I just HAD to blog some beautiful things.
First of all, spring break was just a magical week.
On Monday Jenny T. and I decided to meet at Chataqua and take the kids hiking. Just a quick recap, that's one 12 year old, two 9 year olds, one 6 year old, one 4 year old and a 5 month old. Don't ask me why we thought that was a reasonable plan but for some reason it worked out. It was fantastical (in the words of Ramona) and completely perfect. As Jenny and I huffed along behind the excited kids scampering up the shady trail with the sun peeking through the leaves and a gentle wind at our backs, we talked about life. It was better therapy than anything I can think of. At one point the kids wanted to go higher so I sat on a rock and nursed Hazy while Jenny took the big kids higher. They stopped for a giant marshmallow snack and came back down, then we made it back to the car with Kait and Nick just starting to whine. Perfect timing. We headed to DQ for a lunch of ice-cream and then went home.

On Tuesday I had to run grab a buffet for Bart but I had bragged about Monday so much that Jody just couldn't stand to go to work so he took the big kids to the bike park at Valmont and they had a great time aside from Eden having and epic crash. Her road rash is still healing. So thankful for bike helmets!
On Wednesday Jody took Kait skiing and my Aunt Gail came through Colorado and stopped by to visit and have dinner. We had a great visit and I think it was a pretty special time for Jody and Kait to have alone.
On Thursday Jody took Eden skiing with Cody and his boys and I took the other three to Jenny's house for a brunch. We had so much fun and laughed and relaxed and sipped mimosas. I know most people think I do that like all of the time but I don't! After this second therapy session I felt like I had been healed of some indescribable malady that had made me feel beaten and frustrated to no end in the two weeks before spring break.
That afternoon Jody's mom and Jerry arrived and we launched into another fantastical visit with them like always. The grandparents took the girls shopping and all of the kids to a movie. We had a great breakfast at The Huckleberry in Louisville, looked at model homes, relaxed and watched some netflix movies together.
It was such a great week that I just didn't want it to end.
Then on Wednesday we had a late start. At 7:30 I heard someone in the kitchen and was convinced it was Kait because she is my early riser. I was surprised to find Eden in the kitchen, dressed and finished making her lunch. I asked if she wanted to make scones and she did so we had some scrumptious raspberry scones and then sat down and played a game of scrabble. It was exactly how I wish summer could be. Just living together and doing things together without the nonstop tv/internet struggle.
My Kaity Kat came in the kitchen with a furrowed brow and a notebook in hand yesterday. I asked her what was up and she told me she wanted to write some songs because she was planning to have two concerts later but she wanted them to be like Taylor Swift but she said "Svift" and it was so cute to watch the way she held her mouth. I had no idea what to tell her and she wandered off and she and Eden focused on making a stage. Later we attended the concert only to discover that there wasn't going to be a concert because she hadn't written any songs yet but she would be happy to tell us a three part story about a duck. So she told us part 1 and there was much ado about the duck liked to have "qwackers" in his soup and then Eden would just double over in peals of laughter and giggles.
She wrote a book at school and it was requested that I write an "About the Author" blurb for her and this is what I came up with.
Kaitlyn Belle Allen was born in Littleton, Colorado. She currently lives in Erie, Colorado with her father, mother and three siblings. She graduated kindergarten with honors and is currently pursuing a high school diploma. Born a storyteller, Kaitlyn naturally turned to writing and found quick success with her first book. Although all of her characters are fictional, much of her writing is inspired by her time living in Minnesota and visits to a family farm in Arkansas as well as an uncle who was deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan in the Army.
Kaitlyn enjoys spending time with her two dogs Kearney and Journey and playing in the cul de sac with her neighbors and friends. She is an all around Colorado girl and is an avid hiking, skiing and biking enthusiast.

Butterfly kisses

I told Kaitlyn what butterfly kisses were the other night. She gave me one. The next night I sat on the couch with Hazel. A little sigh and a breath fluffed the hair on my neck as she laid in my arms. What is a day in my life without Nick catching me in the kitchen for a long sweet hug and a profession of his love for me. Eden's bubbling giggle gives light to my day. They bless me by just being here. Jody and I sometimes moan and groan about parenthood for days on end but then those beautiful moments remind us that we are here in an amazing world with amazing children and everything we have is a gift.
My life is like being a gymnast. I balance, I roll, I jump, I do laundry, I cook for my first grader's Thanksgiving Feast in January. Okay, maybe that doesn't have anything to do with gymnastics. I can't make my life into an olympic event. It's a journey in itself though. I sat holding Hazy while the girls did rock climbing at the Erie Community Center the other day and finally another lady thought she had me pegged. "So, you have three girls and that little boy right?" It was as she asked me, that I connected the dots myself and realized I looked like I had a zoo in tow just like a woman who was there with her kids when I arrived. I had seen a mother there with a passel of kids and spent a few minutes counting before I asked, "Do you have four boys?" "Yes" she replied. I couldn't help the next words (a few people in this world are nodding their heads in sympathy for me right now) "and they're all yours?" "Yes" she replied with a smile (perhaps a little forced). Why? Only the Lord or the devil knows why such things fall off my lips.

Just another poopy Sunday!

Kinda like a "Manic Monday" if you will but more on the poopy side.
I want to preface this story with the reminder that I am the mother of four children, with a total of about 9 years of diapering under my belt give or take. That's probably a few thousand diapers, some disposable, most cloth, which is just to say, I do diapers. I handle poop, pee and the in between from start to finish... Nothing to sniff at if you know what I mean.
We arrived at church early for Rush Hour which Hazy and I skip so I had been chatting with a couple of women exchanging pleasantries that included "is this your first?" and my reply of "no, it's my fourth" to which I got the usual reply of "oh well you've got this all down pat now don't you?" Hazel hadn't pooped in a couple of days. That always worrys me, but it especially worried me this fine sunny Sunday morning as Hazy was arrayed in a bone colored tutu with leg warmers and every other bauble a mother can think of to put on her baby doll. She started to thunder down under. I hoped for the best but you kinda know there's no going back when it hits a certain point on the poo poo richter scale and I knew we were in trouble. I hastily turned her upright and sure enough, yellow was seeping through her onesie above the tutu. We booked it for the ladies room. My first concern was to remove the tulle entirely from the equation. It turns out it was a good move. I jerked it off unscathed, flipped open the diaper and expertly folded it in so she had a relatively clean spot for her bum while I wiped her. Suddenly, the little fountain of youth sprang into action. I had only laid the octopus on top of a long piece of paper towel so we were basically in double trouble. I quickly flipped the diaper back open but we still had a substantial amount of pee being repelled off the outside of the diaper and dribbling onto the tail of the onesie. I was now in "first baby crisis mode" I had no extra onesie and after tossing the defiled diaper in the pail I realized we only had one adorable sock. I glanced all around me and finally with dread at the trash can where I had deposited the diaper. I plunged in and found nothing but did have to make a trip to the sink to wash poo off my hand. It was time to strip the octopus. I stripped her naked as a jaybird with older women coming and going in their unhurried, collected fashion. I cleaned the changing table, redeposited the naked but very smiley octopus, breathing a sigh of relief that the poop hadn't given a final spurt during the complicated process. I got a fresh diaper on her and faced the onesie. It was tricky. I had an octopus on my shoulder and was trying to only get the part under the sink that was actually soiled and pump soap with the same hand but we survived. One old lady gave me a condoling glance and I said "no extra shirt" under my breath to which she replied "well that's a lesson learned now isn't it?" I gave her a droll look and said, "well, you'd think I'd have learned by the fourth kid if I was going to wouldn't you?" She chuckled and carefully dried her hands and left in her unhurried, collected fashion. I wrung the onesie out repeatedly then used about fifty or a hundred paper towels pressing them tightly into the onesie trying to blot as much moisture out as possible and finally redressed the very happy smiley octopus with one sock and went back to the couch. There was the sock. Nice little aha moment. I sat down to nurse her and tucked one of the decorative couch throw pillows under her head. She did that grand little move we all love. Nursed until my milk had a forceful letdown then jerked off coughing and wheezing while I sprayed the silk pillow with bodily fluid. Of course I had no burp cloth... so back we went to the ladies room for some more paper towels. I feel like I owe a little extra for the tithe this week. Anyway, we wiped down the towel as well as we could and left. It seemed like an unlucky place for us. And so it was because the rest of the day has been perfect.