The Challenge

Every day someone dies without telling people what those people meant to them. No personal message from beyond to read, smile at, cry over or be inspired by. I know most people think of it the other way, after all the deceased can't hear what you wish you had said but...that person is gone and they don't need your affirmation anymore. And so I offer this challenge. Sit down and tell five friends what they mean to you in the written form. Bless them with your words. Sound scary or weird? I'll double down. Here's ten friends who sustain me and I really wanted to write five more but I doubt anyone will read a blog this long as it is.

1. 

She tipped her wan face and smiled. She always does that. It's like she's attempting to minimize her struggles without words. Exhaustion and stress etched new lines in her lovely face. I know it's lovely because she's the only woman I've ever coerced my husband into calling pretty. He ordinarily brushes off beautiful women with a dismissive critique of their large nose or mouth. I imagine it's so I never think he's comparing me to them but somehow it just makes me wonder if my nose is ok.  Her arms hung heavy at her sides; excitement had carried her here and dropped her like a package too heavy with the bottom starting to give. Here she had crash landed into a new and beautiful chaos. Everywhere I looked, I saw a flawless design choice accompanied by something incomplete her husband had decided to do himself. The weight of his "to do" list sat on her shoulders mightily, and I wondered if he knew how much she loved him. My eyes drifted to her beloved German Shepherd surrounded by moving boxes and yoga mats. Would he recover use of his back legs? He made it to the new house I whispered to myself bracingly as though that would be enough to put wings under him. I've never seen a family who loves their pet so dearly and I wrung my hands at the thought of them letting him go. My mind swam through oceans of enormous mountains this family had moved to realize this dream of the perfect house in the perfect spot with the perfect salon business and the perfect schools. "Nobody ever does this, right?" I thought for the hundredth time. Am I too complacent? Too lazy? Does this kind of drive and ambition not epitomize the American Dream that I apparently have no drive to strive for. But she looks so drained I countered to myself. So exhausted and overwhelmed with only a hazy memory of the last two years. I quickly organized kitchen drawers, knowing she would be back to fix them later but rationalizing that it was better than standing around doing nothing. I glanced over at her peaceful slightly delirious happiness as she put away her pots and pans and all of my analyzing evaporated. Thank God this girl was finally home and I was there to hug her and drink a beer and eat chocolate pastries with her and say "I can't believe it all really happened" and "this is so exciting!" over and over sounding idiotic to anyone except a sleep deprived zombie. Oh sister wife and future nursing home roomie, we've walked all of the roads together haven't we darling?

2.

"Yes! I finally found my comedy club partner" I muttered to myself as I wiped tears of laughter from my face yet again. Apparently she had been languishing in Florida for years! Just wandering around picking up turtles and taking them home as pets. She might have also been working full time and raising children but that part is a bit fuzzy. Besides, the past is in the past. 

Our opening act is just a series of unanswerable questions our husbands have asked us when they momentarily confused us with Siri. 

"What time does Walgreens open?"

"Is parking allowed here?"

"Is that my coworkers son?" 

"Is the cable box not working?"

Ok Siri wouldn't know all of the answers either. 

Then we just move straight into recreating text message conversations. 

"Are you joining me in prayer that today's track meet will be cancelled for weather?"

"Wherever two or more are gathered, there am I in the midst of them." 

"Ok what did we do wrong? Is God not listening?!"

"I think it was just a 'no.'"

We add a dash of dark humor.

"I see women who run away in a new light these days."

"Me too."

"I'm not sure I can adult any more."

"Me either."

"Jesus take the wheel."

"Amen."

Ok that's not verbatim but we should have said it all just that way. 

We pick it up and look at the bright side.

"So now I have tension tamer tea and I'm in bed for the night at 6pm."

"I think you're making good choices."

It's how we deal. 

Girl you are such a crack up. I love you to the moon. It's like we've always known each other we just hadn't met yet until recently. 

3.

"Talk about first world problems" she texted. Her frustration had again mounted only to be buried in guilt as she unfairly judged herself. I smiled ruefully and wrinkled my forehead. "I had a meltdown about the stupid kitchen and had a good cry today" she wrote. I looked at the text trying to imagine what would help. "Oh, I had a big meltdown cry yesterday! Tomorrow you will be numb."  The emoticon reply 😣. 

"Oh gee Elizabeth" I tell myself, "you always sound like you're competing when you try to relate. Give it up. You have no finesse." I could feel her achy heart sending waves of frustration straight to me. I knew so much more than she had sent in two texts. We had already tirelessly discussed every scenario, option and conundrum for weeks while I chipped in my own conundrums pschoanalyzing my kids, husband and dog seven different ways as if either of us were actually accomplishing something. We are one another's complacent sounding board to talk every situation, decision and experience over until it's been thoroughly hashed like a roadkill put through a meat grinder. Finally accepting for the moment that I didn't have an answer for her on the kitchen (I think I was having a whiskey which often reveals truth) freed me up to do what I profess to do best, don my comedian hat. It's a well known fact that I am the only person in the world who thinks I am profoundly funny and witty. It works for me in the long run though, through a back door entertainment effect on people that I prefer not to call "laughing at me." Announcing I have no solution is very soothing in a reverse psychology fatalistic kind of way. "Shoot I do not know what to do but that's definitely a real problem girlfriend, you are not imagining it. Maybe you should just make wallpaper out of $100 bills and invest in some gold serving dishes so nobody notices your granite got chipped by the philistines who used to live there and chuck the whole remodel." Ok so I didn't actually say that to her but it would have been funny.  Chum, maybe today you will finally have the epiphany that the things you judge yourself for are actually your strongest assets. You're a fabulous researcher and a detailed planner and that is a recipe for success and personal satisfaction. I can't wait for tea at the new counter as you reveal some crazy life experience that makes my toes curl like eating a bowl of baby octopus.

4.

Her voice across the line was wooden, telling me where we were heading with only a hello. My grip tightened on the steering wheel. "I can't fix it" I chanted to myself. She had combed over each grade on each paper for each course and wasn't even a little bit happy. In the last six weeks I had ridden her roller coaster of panic, triumph and dread with each challenge, victory and new obstacle. I won't deny that she in turn valiantly attempted to keep her mouth shut as I ceaselessly vented about my own problems silently begging her not to give me advice or expect me to soften my opinions. It was an uncharted territory. At the age of 38, she charged off to college never mentioning it to me beforehand. "She's doing it all" I marveled to myself as I hung up having made not the slightest meaningful contribution to the conversation but hopefully conveying confidence and support. With teenagers, a workaholic husband and a household to run, her heart begged for meaning and now her ship has sailed. My mind struggled with her decision, instinctually trying to poke holes in it to see if it was going to hold water. She stood firm. I felt a deep respect for her even as she drifted away on her big adventure. I rocked in doubt as I stood on the shore. Should I do that? Do I want to? No, I need to write and write and write. But the ride looks so amazing and unforgettable love, you will make it. I'm so proud and amazed and so are your kids. 

5.

Her sunny voice floated over the line like a springy sunflower blowing in the breeze. Always so impossibly cheerful and optimistic. Always sharing choice bits of her life painted in a rosy glow so as not to drag anyone down. I wormed under the veneer reminding her it was safe here. Even human sun rays sometimes need to let off some steam. Slowly, the big story unfolded. Hmm, another baby makes 7. Oh, a new real estate business in the works. Wow, three kids in a play with the children's theater. But back to number 7. The lucky number 7. Who do I know besides this woman and soul sister with enough energy and optimism to raise 7 happy babies? As usual I plow in going off half cocked saying whatever pops into my head. "God doesn't make mistakes but man... How's the morning sickness? You are really going all in girlfriend. I remember the burst of love for Hazel at birth and I wondered, does that really just keep happening to infinity?" Her reply was gracious and without censure "Yes, it does" she said simply. "Is it a boy or girl? I asked.  She always knows. " A girl I think." A child wailed in the background and our rapid fire 7 minute chat abruptly ended. I stood in the middle of Marshalls staring blankly at my dream food processor. Oh love, you are so regal and strong and beautiful. I've never known a harder working, harder loving woman with more resilience. Your laugh lines will be beautiful someday and more genuine than any person I know. 

6.

She had a high point and she was real, shining with joy, she skidded to a low one and she was still more real, expressing the feelings we all hide. It never seemed to fail to take my breath away. What would she say to me next that I would take weeks to process and finally recognize and accept in myself as well?

You've all had that friend... the one you love so much you just want to pretend you are besties when you know it's a stretch and she probably already has ten more? But you just talk about her all the time super familiar like she drops by for coffee twice a week even though you haven't seen her in a month aside from the time she whistled at you in front of the eye doctors office? Ok maybe I'm being a little too specific. There were a couple days where I actually laughed so hard at her Instagram posts that I felt like a stalker. "Oh goody she posted!" I shouldn't really use that term since she's the girl who had stalkers and restraining orders at one time, but I've never been lauded as a shining example of tact. She has the rare quality of exuding exactly who she is and wearing it with an air of indifference; neither shame nor pride. While many people confuse, worry and irritate me with their airs I feel like when I see her, she smiles right from her soul and I try to give the same in return but I find myself lacking. There you go love, You're in my blog. I'm sure you are so pleased and thrilled. I love you so much I wish I could shrink you down and keep you in my pocket. Is that creepy?

7.

 "Want to meet at Sweets Monday? My treat!" 

A smile lit my face. Is there any higher compliment a friend can pay than to spend their time and money on you? A friend who has seen you behave your worst but always sought the best in you. I cannot name a friendship I get more vulnerable about. I always think, "she's probably had it with me after this one." And she always gives me a weary smile and a hug and pats my little head because she's like 8 inches taller and 20 years wiser than me. Sometimes I wonder if she forgets all of my drama or what that process looks like but I do not wonder long enough to ask. After all, I've read George and Martha a hundred times and "Martha didn't say a word" speaks volumes to me. Oh girl, is 8 years a lifetime? I don't remember who I was without your vulnerable yet strong and wise influence. I love the way you face each obstacle in life and chisel away with determination. I don't know how often I speak of you as my example. 

8.

My phone buzzed with the only personalized ring aside from Jody. I don't know how that happened but it does put an extra wing in my steps to make it for her. Within seconds we were both moaning and exclaiming over the idiocy of a volleyball club, dissecting how my child discovered online school and declaring that our cups are empty, we have nothing left to give and we do not know what fills the cups... Even as we filled one another's cups with empathy.

She was my perfect neighbor with perfect children who had s'mores with us and sleepovers but never crossed boundaries. I lived it and loved it for 2 1/2 years. But It didn't end there, when I moved she brought me food and when my dad died she filled my kitchen with food from who knows who all again and when she realized I was wallowing in a sea of grief she gathered me into her arms and carried me to Costco so my family could keep on eating. No judgement, no fixing, just pure empathy like a balm on a wound. And always always she and her husband have caught us when we fall. Chum, I can't imagine how lonely and hard it would be to do this Colorado thing alone without you. You're my family. 

9.

"Ready for a puppy yet?
I want a poetic story where you take your dog to a park and meet a young widower with four precious children. And the little boy loves your dog and invites you to their house. And you and the dad get embrarrassed but neither of you have the heart to say no. So you wind up in their house and spill spaghetti all down your shirt and he's trying to clean you off and the scene freezes with you standing there completely infatuated and utterly mortified. Then the little two year old girl starts tugging on your hand and you look over and your dog is drinking out of their toilet. Anyway, that's the general gist of it."

"Hahahahhahaha! 4 kids tho ??"
"Well yeah, you're getting a late start 
Then you can have a big family and only have to endure pregnancy once. And all through the romance everything is perfect but you keep having flashbacks of all of your crazy failed relationships. And then you get scared and try to break up but the 2 year old has a life threatening emergency and you save her life and realize you can't live without them. And that's a wrap. But at the end you call me crying and thanking me for your perfect pooch because it's a Stella baby."

Say hello to my friend since childhood with the infectious giggle and cleverly referred to by my dad as my twin.

She's the friend I call my alter ego who took the opposite path. Every time we talk, we remind each other not to be jealous of the others life as though that's a command one can obey. Love, I'm so thankful for you. You lead me back to Jesus every time we talk and I get a dunking of His love all while laughing hysterically at your dry wit and marveling at your life journey.

10.

"It's a strep throat cake for Eden!"

"A what!? Oh my gosh!" I fell backward in shock and laughter. For real?! Oh my gosh! Tears pricked my eyes at the thought of all of that time spent to cheer my sick kid. 

I used to pray for a friend, any friend with a kid Hazels age who wasn't uptight, didn't have strict schedules, liked the Zoo and just a half a dozen or so other criteria. So they packed up and moved on out from Tenessee. Thanks God! I appreciate that! On with the tea parties and zoo trips and playdates while the mommies discuss the middle schoolers, preschool rates and how to lose five pounds without trying because trying is crap! Thanks for being willing to answer a prayer love! You're a blessing and hoot! Here's to the day we march these little girls off to preschool together just like I dreamed. 

Is it worth it?

I met my chum for dinner the other night.

 I admit I was nervous on some level. Not because we hadn't seen each other in nearly twenty years, more because I became a housewife with four kids and she became a high powered business woman. It's scary. Sometimes women get competitive... and sometimes when their lives take different paths... (whisper) they judge or worse yet think they will be judged which is just as miserable. Don't tell the guys I'm labeling girls because they will totally run away with that train. Overwhelming those little nagging fears was a bursting excitement to see my giggle snorting, never ending sleepover five nights in a row, bosom buddy, kindred spirit... wait for it... twin. Yes, she's my twin. I had a lot of friends who had never-ending sleepovers and giggle fests but she's the only one Dad ever called my twin and after the other night... I finally understand why. He was cagey, always making little jokes to himself without anyone realizing it. We shed a little tear for him and it was nice. But that's kind of another story.
Anyway, she selected our wine with ease and gave our pompous waiter a subtle set down just so he knew who knew more about wine which made me snicker and perhaps feel sorry for him. She told me about how God is working in her life and using her career and freedoms and just basically wowed me to death with what a little dynamite she is. I was fascinated and impressed and amazed but not jealous. That was the beauty of our time together. We weren't comparing to see who has it better so far. We were literally talking at warp speed to tell each other all about our lives and drinking it in faster than that amazing cabernet she picked.  She asked me at one point in our dreamy fairy tale wine and cheese gab fest if Jody and I have the perfect marriage. Let me just say it stopped me cold and sobered me up in a hurry. Because let me tell you honey, after four kids, 12 years of marriage, cancer, financial duress and moving 7 times... there's nothing perfect to see other than the beauty of those four little faces. We are battle scarred. I thought I might chuckle... then I thought I better not because after all a successful single friend seems to think maybe the stay at home mom who lives in sweat pants, reads goodnight moon by rote, rerolls toilet paper "clouds" (yes for real, that stuff is pricey!), mops up hershey's puddles, coaches kids to puke on their covers so you can just wash it and be done - might "have" something enviable. I realized I can't chuckle it off or play it up for Celly. She looks right into your soul and waits for the truth. I closed my mouth. I squeaked "perfect?" She smiled encouragingly like she'd enjoy a good brag and said "yeah, it looks so perfect on Facebook." Then I stumbled for words. I said, "perfect no... good, solid, forever, stable... yes." Her face fell like she was waiting for bad news. That's when I realized... single people want to know. They really want to know. And the reason they want to know is because they aren't sure if it's worth it. I didn't want to just throw a wet blanket on things and nobody does... A perfect analogy is you want to have a baby so people talk about spit up and newborn liquid poop and sleepless nights like that's the whole story. That's all you hear because deep down... we all want you to have the baby and we know you have enough bravado to decide to soldier through that... If we actually told you what it's like to try to get them through 12 years of school then figure out college without stabbing your hand with an icepick to distract you from the stress... it could be a game changer and then we might get so baby sick that we talk ourselves into having another one and that is freaking hard work... WE KNOW! So we just talk about babies crying at night. By the same token, deep down, the married people for some reason want the single people to get married. So we might try to make it sound like something it isn't or more simple than it really is. Which is not what the single people want. But to describe it to a single person is nigh on to impossible anyway so it's moot. I believe with all of my being that being married to Jody is the best. It's not the only thing I could have done with my life and it's not always happy and it's never really perfect. But it's good, strong, full of love and grace... and yes - worth it. For the single people out there I have only one piece of advice. If you're going to try to handle picking your spouse... all I can say is don't worry about their faults and imperfections, just know your own and find someone with different one's so you truly can be one flesh and you truly can carry each other through the storms, someone worth it like Jody. Besides a perfect spouse would be so ANNOYING!!! My mom's advice is "God knows more people than you, so just let Him handle it."
On the flip side...well gosh... even I think that family looks pretty perfect. LOL!

Part 2

My life has changed significantly with a fourth child and I feel anxiety claw at me as I think "oh crap, now I've waited so long to blog my trip that I won't remember when I went to that amazing breakfast." Wonderful little bits and pieces lay strewn at the bottom of my consciousness like treasure on a sea floor. So humor me as I dive at random and reclaim the pieces that meant the most to me. They won't be chronological but I can't imagine why it would matter. I have a couple of things that I want to jot down and remember though they aren't really stories... For one thing, I think my trip was a very unique experience because I wasn't on a tour. I was with people who live in Talpiot Jerusalem and know all of the best restaurants, and all of the best shopping areas and all of the best of everything all the while letting me see things most tourists probably don't like riding in 30 taxi cabs and shopping at the grocery store, and the fruit market, and picking children up at school. Most of our time was spent wandering around seeing amazing things without a large group to keep up with. Everyone in my life loves me and showers me with such amazing blessings that I'm downright embarrassed to think about it all. It brought me to tears several times on my trip as I thought about all of the people who cooperated to give me this incredible experience. The words "humbled" and "gratitude" seemed to bump into each other in my mind constantly as each day passed and I was actually able to feel what it was like to miss my kids! LOL! It took a few days but I really did! I found myself thinking about parents who travel for work all of the time or are in the military etc... and have those feelings on a regular basis. It gave me a profound respect for their dedication to provide for their families no matter what. The second day I was there, I hit the wall. I crashed and burned. I have always wondered what - exactly - jet lag felt like. When I was a small child I heard about it and wondered; I thought it might be an actual illness like altitude sickness. No, it's just plain old complete exhaustion. It felt like my body was made from lead and I was trying to breathe helium instead of oxygen. Bart had really hoped if she kept me on my feet all day the first day I wouldn't get it. But I did. It all happened when we came back from a very interesting grocery shopping trip (result of only about $8 wasted on things we thought were one thing but turned out to be another) and she went to put groceries away and make me more coffee. No matter what you read about my trip, if I forget to mention coffee, just picture it somewhere in the scene. Coffee was continually being made, drunk, bought or discussed. Morning coffee was fresh ground in her cool glass coffee carafe thingy with the chemex filters and afternoon coffee was cappuccinos in her awesome Nespresso machine. There was one day that lacked coffee, which I am sure I will write about eventually and all day long we wished for coffee and discussed it at random intervals until we got a rather subpar one at a gift shop (we were on a tour and weren't allowed to go anywhere except gift shops). Anyway, that second day as Bart cheerily chatted and busied around in the kitchen I made friends with her Ikea couch. Very good friends. She tried to shriek me off of the couch but it was no good. It was euphoric. I had found heaven. It wasn't to last long because it couldn't last long. Nothing on my trip was long lasting. I was on a runaway train the whole time. She was getting me geared up to flag down a taxi to go get the boys from band practice after school. And so we did. We shopped in a lovely little quiet area of town that I've forgotten the name of and then began our quest for a cab. But, again the taxi thing didn't work out. Our taxi driver announced shortly after picking us up that he was giving us the boot and heading another direction. So, there we stood forlorn in the rain staring at each other three blocks from where we had started with him. It was noteworthy I know because she told "everyone" the story and got shocked responses from "everyone." Our despondency was short lived. We found a very jovial cab driver who spoke very little English and was very encouraging of Bart's attempts at Hebrew. We had a lovely ride with him, Warren and Harrison used their Hebrew and thrilled the little man to no end. I think that was Sami. The next morning Bart took me to a full Israeli breakfast at the Inbal Hotel. It was hands down the most impressive breakfast I've ever seen. After that we went on a tour with a Jewish tour guide of several significant sites to Christians including the place where he ascended into heaven and the Garden of Gethsemane. She did not believe in Jesus so that gave the tour a different feel than if she had. I don't regret it because it was interesting to see a non believer sharing details about these historical sites. On this tour a few things stood out to me. The Garden of Gethsemane is beautiful but small and guarded. You aren't allowed to touch the ancient trees and I rather imagine it used to be huge. Second, it was quite disappointing to me that Constantine's mother Helen erected a church where Jesus ascended into heaven. Walking in to a church made it impossible to envision Jesus rising into the air. I think if they had to make a memorial it should have been more like an observatory or a roofless monument of some kind. This is the church rebuilt. Helen's was destroyed. Gethsemane

Hazel Ann

Jody and I have another child. A breathtakingly beautiful little girl named Hazel Ann. Somehow we never had the sense to ask God for her, so he gave her to us of his own volition to show us how wonderful His ways are and to bless us because He loves us so much more than we will ever truly comprehend. She is as calm and quiet as a morning after snow has fallen. She gazes into my eyes and her lips play with a smile then form a perfect O. Her head and cheeks are as soft as a peach and her toes are long and amusingly prehensile. Her fingers are delicate and refined; she holds them like a little lady about to play a pinafore. The overwhelming gush of raw love and emotion when she was born still sneaks up on me several times per day. Her squeaks and coos, her gulping as she tries to drink every drop of milk and her little hands grasping my finger, my necklace, my shirt. The desperate sucking on her hand as she anxiously waits to eat again and again and again. These are all magic. A magic I really never thought I would experience again in my life as a mother. I find it incomprehensible that I was content without her and amazing that God has given her to us.
Her birth was the most gentle and easy of my four children. I woke up a little after 4 AM on Sunday, October 23rd. I got up to go to the bathroom and felt little trickles of water running down my legs. I couldn't really bring myself to believe my water had broken but sure enough it had. I stared contemplatively at the evidence and couldn't quite believe it. After a few seconds I said "Jody..."
He responded as though he'd been awake for hours. "Yes."
I said "I guess my water broke."
He sat up and said "should I call the midwife?"
It set the tone for the whole morning.
I called Gin and texted Jen B. to tell them how sorry I was that they were going to miss the birth. They were both sad but gracious about it. I know Gin blamed me for starting the labor by having Eden's birthday party and going to the pumpkin patch but it was actually the easiest birthday party ever. I didn't even have to set out plates and napkins or make a cake or basically anything. The pumpkin patch excursion probably took 20 minutes and required very little from me, other than supplying the coupon code on my phone for my living social discount. I take comfort in the fact that the midwives believed very strongly that there had been a drop in barometric pressure causing me to go into labor. Either way, I really would have held on until the girls got here if I could though the end of pregnancy really is a miserable thing. I had not the slightest premonition that Hazel would show up 9 days early, but man is it a relief to be done being pregnant.
Jenny T. came over right away with her camera and we hung out and laughed about Jenn D. being completely comatose when I called her. I was having light contractions, Jody and I had the bed ready, and I was kind of twiddling my thumbs and wondering if I should eat something or if it would be puked back up in no time. Finally I decided to have some cheerios. At the time I thought it was goofy of her to take the picture but as I looked at the photo's it seemed like the natural beginning of the story.

A little while later the midwives came. Jeni checked me and I was 5 centimeter! I wandered around for awhile doing little things and I couldn't find the right place or position, so I'd grab Jody and hang on him since every other contraction was starting to feel uncomfortable. He makes me feel warm and fuzzy. ;-)

Jody went to wake up the girls and get things together for the birth and I just couldn't seem to find the best place to sit so I sat on a barstool in the middle of the living room. I think someone had drug it in there to set my drink on while I sat on the ball but it became my platform for the first half of my labor. While my friends lounged on the couch making funny conversation, I perched up on the barstool laughing and moaning.

Jody came down from upstairs and said the girls told him he was joking when he went to wake them up for the birth. I found this very entertaining. It didn't take five minutes for them to come down to check for sure.

My midwife Jeni had told me I could get into the bathtub whenever I wanted to but I wanted to wait until I was not coping easily with labor and wanting relief. Finally awhile later I went in the bathroom and got into the tub. I lounged in the water worrying to Jody that my labor wasn't getting hard and wondering if it was just going to take a really long time. Jeni offered to check me and I was at 7 centimeters. I remember locking eyes with Jody and saying 7 down 3 to go!" He smiled. The only thing hanging me up was how many birth stories had I read and how many births had I attended where a person progressed great and then stalled anywhere between 7 and 10? I was happy but not over confident. I continued to feel a niggle of fear that this could take all day. The girls came in the bathroom and Eden anxiously asked me how much longer it would take. I laughed about how present and excited she was. I told her I had no idea. I focused exclusively on a picture in my mind of my body opening wide up for the baby. With each contraction I would go limp and find that picture. I could feel my insides creaking as the baby came down. This is what they call "laboring the baby down." It was fun to doula myself through this process so consciously.
I had to go to the bathroom so I labored in there for awhile leaning into Jody, my ever present faithful one. He did whatever I asked, pushed on my knees, braced his arm so I could hold onto him. I remember yelling for God to help me and hoping to high heaven this wasn't going to last for very many more hours. I announced that I was getting shaky so they brought me some nasty sweet stuff to balance my blood sugar and forced me to drink it. Jeni said I was getting pushy to which I whiningly replied that I WISHED I felt pushy. She wanted me off of the toilet especially since the baby was in a +2 station as she didn't want me to plop a baby in there. I still maintain there was no danger of that happening but all of those dramatic people like to say "it's a good thing we got her out of there when we did" so I just let them say it. I didn't want to get back into the bathtub so Jenny T. ran out to Jeni's car and got the birthing stool and they set it by the tub. I sat down on it and hated it instantly but I felt the baby about to come out and announced that I would not be moving. It seemed like I waited forever for the next contraction and then I pushed, ever so slowly telling myself not to tear and holding my mouth ajar. Every time I felt it start to burn I'd slow down a bit and then let it rest for a second. It's the first time I've ever tried to control the pushing so that I would not tear. Very gently, the baby's head came out and the midwife said "the cord is loosely around the neck but it flipped over easily". By this time all of the kids were gathered around and though I didn't know it, Kearney was laying behind everyone and attending her first birth as well.

When they handed me the baby, I felt a rush of love such as I cannot describe. I don't remember having it with the other kids to such a magnitude. I was completely overcome by it. She was completely covered in vernix and incredibly beautiful and perfect in every way. I'm told it's the hormone oxytocin, but that seems to make it sound so much more clinical than it felt!

Kaitlyn was at my left elbow and everyone wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl. She got nervous and said it was a boy. I said, "lets check and see." We checked and I instantly wished I could take the words back and let them be hers so badly but I instinctively corrected her and said "it's a girl!" Nick seemed a little terrified of the baby, I think because she was covered in vernix and had blue skin but I reassured him and a few minutes later he was all over her, trying to give her a matchbox car.

Eden wanted to be a part of everything. She cut the umbilical cord. The midwife warned her that she might have to cut twice but Eden didn't wait for her to finish the explanation, she expertly snipped the cord and was complimented by Jeni who told her she did a better job than most adults.

Then she helped weigh, measure and dress her. Eden's very competent in a foreign setting. I wonder what she'll be when she's grown.

All in all, my labor lasted from waking up a few minutes past 4AM to 7:52 AM when Hazel was born. She weighed exactly 7 pounds even though she was 9 days early, was 20 1/2 inches long and her head was 14 inches. The average baby head is 13 inches so that makes my completely skid mark free delivery quite notable. ;-)

I could post a thousand pictures and make this story so long because I love to tell a birth story but I guess I'll stop here. Hazel's birth was amazing. The pain was never worse than a stomach flu and I honestly think if I'd known that it would go so easily and end so soon I probably wouldn't have bothered complaining for the 20 minutes when it was a bit of work and wasn't feeling so great.

The new hood in Erie

When we moved here, Eden started Kindergarten and made two friends who made it through to second grade with her as declared friends who she must extend birthday party invitations to. Oddly enough, their last names start with A, C and a D so they were all grouped together at Kindergarten graduation and I snapped a photo. I loved it because they were a rainbow with the blonde, red and dark hair. Left to right, is Lauren, Charlotte and Eden.
In about a month, her first fast friends at school will be close enough neighbors to walk to each others houses. I'm thankful for her to have this continuity in her life. We left Littleton when she was two and a half and she was devastated after the tea party we hosted to tell all of her cute little friends goodbye. Then, when we left Kasson, she cried her first true heartbreak cry. She sat on those stairs and cried for her home and her best friend and I felt AWFUL! So now, Eden will be near her friends and we'll have water gun fights and run in the sprinklers and ride bikes to the ice cream shop and all of those things that you hope your kids will experience with their friends through childhood. Man, I'm such a sentimental sap.

This is Eden and Lauren dressed up for Halloween this year.


This is Eden reading a birthday card from Charlotte this year:


Kaitlyn is in Kindergarten this year and she is in class with Lauren's little sister whom she made friends with when Eden and Lauren struck up a friendship. She asked me a few weeks ago if she could have a tea party with some friends from school. She chose Fiona, Katelyn and Abby. They all live in Erie and two of them live within a stroll of the new house. I snapped a pic of their party. Left to right is Kait, Fiona, Katelyn and Abby.

All I have left is to find Nick a circle of friends. I hope it all comes together for the little guy this year.
So, that's why the nomads are moving again. And stay tuned, I wouldn't be surprised to see another move coming up in the next two or three years. ;-)