The Challenge

Every day someone dies without telling people what those people meant to them. No personal message from beyond to read, smile at, cry over or be inspired by. I know most people think of it the other way, after all the deceased can't hear what you wish you had said but...that person is gone and they don't need your affirmation anymore. And so I offer this challenge. Sit down and tell five friends what they mean to you in the written form. Bless them with your words. Sound scary or weird? I'll double down. Here's ten friends who sustain me and I really wanted to write five more but I doubt anyone will read a blog this long as it is.

1. 

She tipped her wan face and smiled. She always does that. It's like she's attempting to minimize her struggles without words. Exhaustion and stress etched new lines in her lovely face. I know it's lovely because she's the only woman I've ever coerced my husband into calling pretty. He ordinarily brushes off beautiful women with a dismissive critique of their large nose or mouth. I imagine it's so I never think he's comparing me to them but somehow it just makes me wonder if my nose is ok.  Her arms hung heavy at her sides; excitement had carried her here and dropped her like a package too heavy with the bottom starting to give. Here she had crash landed into a new and beautiful chaos. Everywhere I looked, I saw a flawless design choice accompanied by something incomplete her husband had decided to do himself. The weight of his "to do" list sat on her shoulders mightily, and I wondered if he knew how much she loved him. My eyes drifted to her beloved German Shepherd surrounded by moving boxes and yoga mats. Would he recover use of his back legs? He made it to the new house I whispered to myself bracingly as though that would be enough to put wings under him. I've never seen a family who loves their pet so dearly and I wrung my hands at the thought of them letting him go. My mind swam through oceans of enormous mountains this family had moved to realize this dream of the perfect house in the perfect spot with the perfect salon business and the perfect schools. "Nobody ever does this, right?" I thought for the hundredth time. Am I too complacent? Too lazy? Does this kind of drive and ambition not epitomize the American Dream that I apparently have no drive to strive for. But she looks so drained I countered to myself. So exhausted and overwhelmed with only a hazy memory of the last two years. I quickly organized kitchen drawers, knowing she would be back to fix them later but rationalizing that it was better than standing around doing nothing. I glanced over at her peaceful slightly delirious happiness as she put away her pots and pans and all of my analyzing evaporated. Thank God this girl was finally home and I was there to hug her and drink a beer and eat chocolate pastries with her and say "I can't believe it all really happened" and "this is so exciting!" over and over sounding idiotic to anyone except a sleep deprived zombie. Oh sister wife and future nursing home roomie, we've walked all of the roads together haven't we darling?

2.

"Yes! I finally found my comedy club partner" I muttered to myself as I wiped tears of laughter from my face yet again. Apparently she had been languishing in Florida for years! Just wandering around picking up turtles and taking them home as pets. She might have also been working full time and raising children but that part is a bit fuzzy. Besides, the past is in the past. 

Our opening act is just a series of unanswerable questions our husbands have asked us when they momentarily confused us with Siri. 

"What time does Walgreens open?"

"Is parking allowed here?"

"Is that my coworkers son?" 

"Is the cable box not working?"

Ok Siri wouldn't know all of the answers either. 

Then we just move straight into recreating text message conversations. 

"Are you joining me in prayer that today's track meet will be cancelled for weather?"

"Wherever two or more are gathered, there am I in the midst of them." 

"Ok what did we do wrong? Is God not listening?!"

"I think it was just a 'no.'"

We add a dash of dark humor.

"I see women who run away in a new light these days."

"Me too."

"I'm not sure I can adult any more."

"Me either."

"Jesus take the wheel."

"Amen."

Ok that's not verbatim but we should have said it all just that way. 

We pick it up and look at the bright side.

"So now I have tension tamer tea and I'm in bed for the night at 6pm."

"I think you're making good choices."

It's how we deal. 

Girl you are such a crack up. I love you to the moon. It's like we've always known each other we just hadn't met yet until recently. 

3.

"Talk about first world problems" she texted. Her frustration had again mounted only to be buried in guilt as she unfairly judged herself. I smiled ruefully and wrinkled my forehead. "I had a meltdown about the stupid kitchen and had a good cry today" she wrote. I looked at the text trying to imagine what would help. "Oh, I had a big meltdown cry yesterday! Tomorrow you will be numb."  The emoticon reply 😣. 

"Oh gee Elizabeth" I tell myself, "you always sound like you're competing when you try to relate. Give it up. You have no finesse." I could feel her achy heart sending waves of frustration straight to me. I knew so much more than she had sent in two texts. We had already tirelessly discussed every scenario, option and conundrum for weeks while I chipped in my own conundrums pschoanalyzing my kids, husband and dog seven different ways as if either of us were actually accomplishing something. We are one another's complacent sounding board to talk every situation, decision and experience over until it's been thoroughly hashed like a roadkill put through a meat grinder. Finally accepting for the moment that I didn't have an answer for her on the kitchen (I think I was having a whiskey which often reveals truth) freed me up to do what I profess to do best, don my comedian hat. It's a well known fact that I am the only person in the world who thinks I am profoundly funny and witty. It works for me in the long run though, through a back door entertainment effect on people that I prefer not to call "laughing at me." Announcing I have no solution is very soothing in a reverse psychology fatalistic kind of way. "Shoot I do not know what to do but that's definitely a real problem girlfriend, you are not imagining it. Maybe you should just make wallpaper out of $100 bills and invest in some gold serving dishes so nobody notices your granite got chipped by the philistines who used to live there and chuck the whole remodel." Ok so I didn't actually say that to her but it would have been funny.  Chum, maybe today you will finally have the epiphany that the things you judge yourself for are actually your strongest assets. You're a fabulous researcher and a detailed planner and that is a recipe for success and personal satisfaction. I can't wait for tea at the new counter as you reveal some crazy life experience that makes my toes curl like eating a bowl of baby octopus.

4.

Her voice across the line was wooden, telling me where we were heading with only a hello. My grip tightened on the steering wheel. "I can't fix it" I chanted to myself. She had combed over each grade on each paper for each course and wasn't even a little bit happy. In the last six weeks I had ridden her roller coaster of panic, triumph and dread with each challenge, victory and new obstacle. I won't deny that she in turn valiantly attempted to keep her mouth shut as I ceaselessly vented about my own problems silently begging her not to give me advice or expect me to soften my opinions. It was an uncharted territory. At the age of 38, she charged off to college never mentioning it to me beforehand. "She's doing it all" I marveled to myself as I hung up having made not the slightest meaningful contribution to the conversation but hopefully conveying confidence and support. With teenagers, a workaholic husband and a household to run, her heart begged for meaning and now her ship has sailed. My mind struggled with her decision, instinctually trying to poke holes in it to see if it was going to hold water. She stood firm. I felt a deep respect for her even as she drifted away on her big adventure. I rocked in doubt as I stood on the shore. Should I do that? Do I want to? No, I need to write and write and write. But the ride looks so amazing and unforgettable love, you will make it. I'm so proud and amazed and so are your kids. 

5.

Her sunny voice floated over the line like a springy sunflower blowing in the breeze. Always so impossibly cheerful and optimistic. Always sharing choice bits of her life painted in a rosy glow so as not to drag anyone down. I wormed under the veneer reminding her it was safe here. Even human sun rays sometimes need to let off some steam. Slowly, the big story unfolded. Hmm, another baby makes 7. Oh, a new real estate business in the works. Wow, three kids in a play with the children's theater. But back to number 7. The lucky number 7. Who do I know besides this woman and soul sister with enough energy and optimism to raise 7 happy babies? As usual I plow in going off half cocked saying whatever pops into my head. "God doesn't make mistakes but man... How's the morning sickness? You are really going all in girlfriend. I remember the burst of love for Hazel at birth and I wondered, does that really just keep happening to infinity?" Her reply was gracious and without censure "Yes, it does" she said simply. "Is it a boy or girl? I asked.  She always knows. " A girl I think." A child wailed in the background and our rapid fire 7 minute chat abruptly ended. I stood in the middle of Marshalls staring blankly at my dream food processor. Oh love, you are so regal and strong and beautiful. I've never known a harder working, harder loving woman with more resilience. Your laugh lines will be beautiful someday and more genuine than any person I know. 

6.

She had a high point and she was real, shining with joy, she skidded to a low one and she was still more real, expressing the feelings we all hide. It never seemed to fail to take my breath away. What would she say to me next that I would take weeks to process and finally recognize and accept in myself as well?

You've all had that friend... the one you love so much you just want to pretend you are besties when you know it's a stretch and she probably already has ten more? But you just talk about her all the time super familiar like she drops by for coffee twice a week even though you haven't seen her in a month aside from the time she whistled at you in front of the eye doctors office? Ok maybe I'm being a little too specific. There were a couple days where I actually laughed so hard at her Instagram posts that I felt like a stalker. "Oh goody she posted!" I shouldn't really use that term since she's the girl who had stalkers and restraining orders at one time, but I've never been lauded as a shining example of tact. She has the rare quality of exuding exactly who she is and wearing it with an air of indifference; neither shame nor pride. While many people confuse, worry and irritate me with their airs I feel like when I see her, she smiles right from her soul and I try to give the same in return but I find myself lacking. There you go love, You're in my blog. I'm sure you are so pleased and thrilled. I love you so much I wish I could shrink you down and keep you in my pocket. Is that creepy?

7.

 "Want to meet at Sweets Monday? My treat!" 

A smile lit my face. Is there any higher compliment a friend can pay than to spend their time and money on you? A friend who has seen you behave your worst but always sought the best in you. I cannot name a friendship I get more vulnerable about. I always think, "she's probably had it with me after this one." And she always gives me a weary smile and a hug and pats my little head because she's like 8 inches taller and 20 years wiser than me. Sometimes I wonder if she forgets all of my drama or what that process looks like but I do not wonder long enough to ask. After all, I've read George and Martha a hundred times and "Martha didn't say a word" speaks volumes to me. Oh girl, is 8 years a lifetime? I don't remember who I was without your vulnerable yet strong and wise influence. I love the way you face each obstacle in life and chisel away with determination. I don't know how often I speak of you as my example. 

8.

My phone buzzed with the only personalized ring aside from Jody. I don't know how that happened but it does put an extra wing in my steps to make it for her. Within seconds we were both moaning and exclaiming over the idiocy of a volleyball club, dissecting how my child discovered online school and declaring that our cups are empty, we have nothing left to give and we do not know what fills the cups... Even as we filled one another's cups with empathy.

She was my perfect neighbor with perfect children who had s'mores with us and sleepovers but never crossed boundaries. I lived it and loved it for 2 1/2 years. But It didn't end there, when I moved she brought me food and when my dad died she filled my kitchen with food from who knows who all again and when she realized I was wallowing in a sea of grief she gathered me into her arms and carried me to Costco so my family could keep on eating. No judgement, no fixing, just pure empathy like a balm on a wound. And always always she and her husband have caught us when we fall. Chum, I can't imagine how lonely and hard it would be to do this Colorado thing alone without you. You're my family. 

9.

"Ready for a puppy yet?
I want a poetic story where you take your dog to a park and meet a young widower with four precious children. And the little boy loves your dog and invites you to their house. And you and the dad get embrarrassed but neither of you have the heart to say no. So you wind up in their house and spill spaghetti all down your shirt and he's trying to clean you off and the scene freezes with you standing there completely infatuated and utterly mortified. Then the little two year old girl starts tugging on your hand and you look over and your dog is drinking out of their toilet. Anyway, that's the general gist of it."

"Hahahahhahaha! 4 kids tho ??"
"Well yeah, you're getting a late start 
Then you can have a big family and only have to endure pregnancy once. And all through the romance everything is perfect but you keep having flashbacks of all of your crazy failed relationships. And then you get scared and try to break up but the 2 year old has a life threatening emergency and you save her life and realize you can't live without them. And that's a wrap. But at the end you call me crying and thanking me for your perfect pooch because it's a Stella baby."

Say hello to my friend since childhood with the infectious giggle and cleverly referred to by my dad as my twin.

She's the friend I call my alter ego who took the opposite path. Every time we talk, we remind each other not to be jealous of the others life as though that's a command one can obey. Love, I'm so thankful for you. You lead me back to Jesus every time we talk and I get a dunking of His love all while laughing hysterically at your dry wit and marveling at your life journey.

10.

"It's a strep throat cake for Eden!"

"A what!? Oh my gosh!" I fell backward in shock and laughter. For real?! Oh my gosh! Tears pricked my eyes at the thought of all of that time spent to cheer my sick kid. 

I used to pray for a friend, any friend with a kid Hazels age who wasn't uptight, didn't have strict schedules, liked the Zoo and just a half a dozen or so other criteria. So they packed up and moved on out from Tenessee. Thanks God! I appreciate that! On with the tea parties and zoo trips and playdates while the mommies discuss the middle schoolers, preschool rates and how to lose five pounds without trying because trying is crap! Thanks for being willing to answer a prayer love! You're a blessing and hoot! Here's to the day we march these little girls off to preschool together just like I dreamed. 

Now what did Jesus say again?

I've always been the hammer. Hammer that truth in til it hurts and then cut them off at the knees and wonder why they are just screaming bloody murder instead of saying "you're right, I get it, I'm a completely changed person forever thank you for opening my eyes". Um... yeah. So while some of us literally revel in the glory of truth others revel in the freedom of interpretation. Awkward! So then Dad would say "you know you'll catch more bees with honey than vinegar Boogle." And I would say "sometimes the truth hurts." And he would say "I've been at this a little longer than you and you have to ask yourself what result you want, not focus just on being right." Then I would say "I don't have patience for that kind of approach." And he would chuckle. And it didn't bug me because he's my dad and naturally he knew what he was talking about even if I wasn't interested in accountability at that moment. Time to talk to Dad stretched on my horizon as far as I could see. How quickly things change. After losing Dad all of the fight just drained out of me in a puddle. And I asked myself who was Dad? The answer was the sound of a beautiful Irish Ballad or the sight of a beaming proud smile or the aroma of sweat and hay or the taste of sweet honey or the touch of rough perfect hands. The thought of who he was blesses me. And I asked myself what will I leave and I found myself reaching for more. I've rarely ever reached a persons heart with truth even though I know it well and it came so naturally to him. I'm on a new mission to find that tenuous balance between defending scriptrual truth and being guided by empathy and love; specifically to Christians who struggle with embracing the whole message of The Word. I think pride is my primary foe. If I long to make myself look good or right or smart or better or the best or PERFECT I've already lost. I've done that and it makes me look... pompous and arrogant and full of myself and a lot more like someone else than Jesus. I used to drive around and around a hayfield daydreaming of my dad allowing me to use a walkman so I could listen to Sarah McLachlan which would be a huge hazard and never allowed. Ironically he did compromise on my daisy dukes and tank tops and flip flops. Now I wish I'd used that calm productive vacuum of time to reflect on the beauty of first loving someone then sharing truth after they are secure in that love. What a gift that would be, to naturally style my life after Jesus and to do His will with a pure heart. I was reading about how to help a narcissist feel empathy. Apparently it's a real clinical disorder. through that article I gained empathy for narcissists. It was a crazy five minutes. I thought about everyone I've ever debated and what it would be like to reach a point of empathy with a struggling sister or brother in Christ before I ever utter a word of debate. To actually try to understand them. I wonder if I could ever go deeper than rhetoric like "well I know gay people and I like them" all the way to a heart message which might be "I have a deep fear of rejection from my very wonderful gay friend if I accept the Bible at it's word and try to live by it." That's transcending a roadblock and understanding fear. Then we might talk about the incredible personal spiritual significance for a Christian in living by the Word of God without imposing expectations from it on those of different beliefs. Then we could even talk about how important it is to be able to trust your gay friend, your agnostic friend, your atheist friend, your liberal friend, your Muslim friend to love you even if you believe in the Bible, just as you are called to love them exactly as they are. I see real peace in this for every Christian to truly live unconditional love with truth. We could probably even reach to the uncomfortable point of discussing the fact that gay marriage infringes on religious freedom because marriage is a religious practice performed by clergy and should never be dictated by government in compliance with separation of church and state.  Then we would have to come to a point of completion by discussing how lawmakers could go about protecting both interests because we all know that one group of people and their rights should not rank higher than another. Does that make sense? I used to want to bang people over the head with the truth and tell them to stop messing up Christianity and making us look like wimps but I was... well crap... I was WRONG and I got nowhere. 

On an extreme end of the love/truth spectrum, my friend debates her extended family's mormon faith regularly. She researches facts and squares off ready for battle. The fact is she found her way out of that heresy and I think it drives her crazy that any of them still hang on to it.  Recently she told me she's been left a copy of the book of mormon with notes for her read to help clear up her doubts and restore her to the mormon faith. She asked me the other day should she read the notes, should she set for another round and put on her religious boxing gloves? After all my years of churning my wheels trying to proudly say something just clever enough to throw someone off their high horse, I just weakly say no. It goes against all of my old habits. I am reluctantly coming to the conclusion if you get drawn into a debate on the semantics of another persons faith you have already lost. You are on the defense. It doesn't matter if you gather up verses and facts and knock them down to a count of three over and over, if you never reach their heart. It's as pointless as eating paper. It's a clanging gong. I know. I do it all of the time. Any victory you claim will not be the victory you wanted. I do know you can reach the heart of the mormon debater through prayer and patience and timing and love, lots of love. Ugh, sooo hard! But I'm inspired to think we can simply look to the amazing Jesus we so fortunately know. If we focus on an end goal of setting a heart free to be loved by Jesus wholly and completely unconditionally we will persevere. I really believe with a pure heart we will not err. Then we are wind chimes or a flute. Because Jesus didn't really seek indifferent people. He sought hungry people and his love was palpable. When he spoke, he lifted the heart, healed the body, nourished the person and he set them FREE. So I encourage my friend to love her Mormons for now and wait for them to get thirsty for Living Water.

Another friend has funny stuff happen. Her life is an amusing education to me. She lives in Jerusalem and hangs out with a bunch of ex-pats who are mostly Palestinian sympathizers and even has a Bible Study with several of them. So she has people try to lead her into convoluted debates which is torture for her. She hates to debate.  I think she has an advantage just being someone who dislikes conflict. I think it gives her the restraint to wait for the thing worth saying and I really admire how she channels Jesus and shows grace. She has plugged away for two years, sometimes gritting her teeth and sometimes wanting to lay in the floor and laugh hysterically for a release from the vise grip of conflict and verbal sparring. All this time she patiently sowed seeds of truth into each person who came into her life and asked God if this was the one she was to reach possibly even for the kingdom of Christ. I know there were two non-Christians she really hoped to reach. One time she even took some of her Bible Study friends to the Temple Mount Institute to see all of the things the Jewish people are making for when they rebuild the Temple and one lady asked four times why the Jewish people want a temple again since Jesus came.  She took each interaction seriously and one day she called me undecided on whether to reply to an email sent from a Palestinian sympathizer filled with biased propaganda. I think it's just crazy so I told her I'd just walk away. Why cast your pearls before swine? Right? From my limited vantage point it appears that she is dealing with hard hearted uninformed people opposed to Israel which is not even Biblical. Regardless of whether they are Christians, they appear to be missing out on a pretty fundamental piece of truth that could give their lives in Israel context and dimension. And it seems to me they are very deliberate in maintaining that doctrine. And that is where I err. I am so human indeed. After all her time there and confounding stories, I found her position so daunting I told her it sounded pointless. And then today... she told me that in the time she has been there... she's seen a softening a changing of heart in one of her Bible Study ladies and it was all confirmed just today. Yes she got to watch some scales fall off of a pair of eyes and it was EXCITING! She was already a Christian but all that time, regardless of what was perceived she was sifting through and searching for new truths. And that woman was the one I so scorned for asking why the Jews want to rebuild the temple. I felt so chastened. My friend said she felt blessed to know her time there had some spiritual impact for one person. She was used by God to open a window for someone to see more of Jesus and God's plan. Soon she will fly home from her grand adventure but she has patiently sown seeds of love and truth. I can see already that some has fallen on fertile ground. Honestly, that is all I aspire to be.