People who haven't gone through losing someone close have varying reactions to seeing it but pretty much all of them helplessly observe that they have no idea how it feels and it makes them feel anxious and inadequate at being there for the person grieving. And it's true that they don't know how it feels but it's unimportant. Because all you really need to know as a friend is what to do, not what it feels like and I can help with that. These are tips for a close friend or family member that has a dear one going through grief. You wouldn't do these things for acquaintances obviously. Those people just need a card or a condolence when you see them next. But if you are right up next to someone in deep grief and feeling helpless, here's my personal opinion of what to do. This is what people have done for me that helped.
1. Be closer than you want to. Walk right into their pain circle and sit in it with them. You won't like it and it won't feel comfortable, but do it because that's what they need and they are important to you. I talked to a friend about that one day and her eyes were huge, she said "but that's what you are supposed to do if you're a friend!"It was obvious that it's second nature for her. I think it comes naturally to some people, maybe not so naturally to others. Time is gold when a person is in pain. They get a message that they are important to you and that they have value even though they feel like they are just dragging the world down and adding no value. Time.
2. Listen very closely and affirm their feelings, whatever those feelings are. Even if they are irrational, and exaggerated or just plain not true in your mind. Don't be afraid to ask questions and don't feel bad if the questions make them cry. It really is ok. Sometimes I just hope people will ask questions so I can talk. It's like I am given permission. Time.
3. Hug them when they cry and assume that tears mean they need a hug. Try not to worry that you did something wrong. If you say you think you did something wrong it can jumble their mind and make them start panicking that their support system is somehow weak/damaged and needing attention and it's terrifying because they can't handle working on other stuff. They feel like they are such a mess and such a burden that they need everyone else to seem relatively stable and present for awhile. Time.
4. Write something meaningful down and give it to them. It doesn't matter what you give them, a quote, a poem, a memory, an affirmation that you believe they are partially who they are because of the wonderful person they lost or all of the above. Grieving people sit and re-read it. Anything you say or write that gives some kind of purpose or value to their pain is basically gold as well. Time.
5. Try to respond to a cry for help if you are available. I think it's instinctual to think you should give a grieving person lots of space or food or other gifts but for me, I just want someone to pick up the phone or come sit in my pain with me and fortunately a couple people do that in addition to all of those other little perks I mentioned like food and gifts :). Time.
I want to say that I was mostly inspired to write this by a friend who is always very open with me. She tells me all of the things she worries about watching me grieve and it helps me see that what I am going through is not just scary to people because they never want to go through it, but it's scary to think they could make things worse by trying to reach out because they don't know how I feel. I cannot stress enough that trying is the ultimate gift and try she does and it's beautiful. I also know that the things I wrote may be somewhat individual or of varying importances to others going through grief so don't blame me if you follow my rules and they don't work. ;)
1. Be closer than you want to. Walk right into their pain circle and sit in it with them. You won't like it and it won't feel comfortable, but do it because that's what they need and they are important to you. I talked to a friend about that one day and her eyes were huge, she said "but that's what you are supposed to do if you're a friend!"It was obvious that it's second nature for her. I think it comes naturally to some people, maybe not so naturally to others. Time is gold when a person is in pain. They get a message that they are important to you and that they have value even though they feel like they are just dragging the world down and adding no value. Time.
2. Listen very closely and affirm their feelings, whatever those feelings are. Even if they are irrational, and exaggerated or just plain not true in your mind. Don't be afraid to ask questions and don't feel bad if the questions make them cry. It really is ok. Sometimes I just hope people will ask questions so I can talk. It's like I am given permission. Time.
3. Hug them when they cry and assume that tears mean they need a hug. Try not to worry that you did something wrong. If you say you think you did something wrong it can jumble their mind and make them start panicking that their support system is somehow weak/damaged and needing attention and it's terrifying because they can't handle working on other stuff. They feel like they are such a mess and such a burden that they need everyone else to seem relatively stable and present for awhile. Time.
4. Write something meaningful down and give it to them. It doesn't matter what you give them, a quote, a poem, a memory, an affirmation that you believe they are partially who they are because of the wonderful person they lost or all of the above. Grieving people sit and re-read it. Anything you say or write that gives some kind of purpose or value to their pain is basically gold as well. Time.
5. Try to respond to a cry for help if you are available. I think it's instinctual to think you should give a grieving person lots of space or food or other gifts but for me, I just want someone to pick up the phone or come sit in my pain with me and fortunately a couple people do that in addition to all of those other little perks I mentioned like food and gifts :). Time.
I want to say that I was mostly inspired to write this by a friend who is always very open with me. She tells me all of the things she worries about watching me grieve and it helps me see that what I am going through is not just scary to people because they never want to go through it, but it's scary to think they could make things worse by trying to reach out because they don't know how I feel. I cannot stress enough that trying is the ultimate gift and try she does and it's beautiful. I also know that the things I wrote may be somewhat individual or of varying importances to others going through grief so don't blame me if you follow my rules and they don't work. ;)
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