After 34 years of being me, Elizabeth, Betsy, E whatever you call me - I gave up and got a book. So tired of being me. Slicing people in half with relish and then standing with my knife shaking in my hand wondering what I have done. Dishing it out and refusing to take it. Dropping the hammer and letting the pieces fall. Curling in a ball of shame and considering becoming a hermit - again. Yes, after all of those years... hearing my family joke about why I never became a lawyer or a politician. It's true. It's me. The God given abilities to use words written and spoken completely misused until the habit is so ingrained I have honest doubts I will ever feel the peace of extending grace when someone needs it from me.
I'm baby stepping. I ask forgiveness now sometimes. I see my blunders a little sooner, feel more wretched than ever and have a handy little list called my conflict cheat sheet that I have only successfully used once since the day I laid on my face and cried to God and he gave it to me. I forget it. I forget everything I try to renew my mind to when anger, sweet adrenaline pumping anger gets me.
So today I sat down to read the book (Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst) to tell me how to control my emotions. I am certain the key is to keep inputting so much positive reinforcement that I change instinctively... because I go on pure instinct in life. I rarely put thought before action. So, the hope is to make it my nature rather than hope for the presence of mind to grab the conflict cheat sheet. As I read the opening paragraph about the authors outburst of rage at her children for stealing her bathroom towels there was a little angst going on in my own home. While I sat immersed in my lovely kindle with the book that will finally change my life, rage was kindling alright, right in my little girl. My beautiful little looking glass was about to explode into fireworks mirroring my every fault. Her little brother had used all of the hot water. There she stood tirading about the injustice and thoughtlessness. And as usual, we parents snapped. Telling her not to blame him, the laundry and dishwasher are going too and she will just have to wait until morning. She marched off and I continued reading the very interesting life changing book. The little brother announced that he was going to go apologize to her. He went upstairs and came back dejected. She wouldn't let him speak to her. I patted his arm and continued reading. He wandered back upstairs and a few minutes later my husband said "is she still yelling at him about the shower?" Sure enough we could hear the muted litany of insults she had borne from behind her bedroom door, yes she rained down her anger on the little guy. I asked her to come downstairs and flipped back to the beginning of my book and read her the whole chapter about the stolen towels. She held her arms across her chest and puffed it defiantly. Little tears glittered in her eyes that nobody cared about her, that's what she worries about most. Part of it's because she's a middle child I suppose. I put the kindle down and I said "you know what? It really honestly wasn't his fault, and he really honestly wanted to apologize because he felt very bad that you got a cold shower but you wouldn't let him. Am I right?" She gave a slight nod and I said "honey, you really are my mini me, you are the closest thing to looking in the mirror 27 years ago that I could ever have. I am going to read this entire book with you because I want to equip you now so that you don't have to go through the pain I have in my life. It's really hard to let your anger be a wrecking ball in your life." She hunched her shoulders and started to walk away and I stopped her. I said "you know who makes you want to be angry right? You know who is winning the war for your heart when you're angry..." Her eyes softened and she nodded.
It's hard to be me... but it's even harder to see me in my beautiful little girl.
http://www.p31bookstore.com/collections/by-lysa-terkeurst/products/unglued
I'm baby stepping. I ask forgiveness now sometimes. I see my blunders a little sooner, feel more wretched than ever and have a handy little list called my conflict cheat sheet that I have only successfully used once since the day I laid on my face and cried to God and he gave it to me. I forget it. I forget everything I try to renew my mind to when anger, sweet adrenaline pumping anger gets me.
So today I sat down to read the book (Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst) to tell me how to control my emotions. I am certain the key is to keep inputting so much positive reinforcement that I change instinctively... because I go on pure instinct in life. I rarely put thought before action. So, the hope is to make it my nature rather than hope for the presence of mind to grab the conflict cheat sheet. As I read the opening paragraph about the authors outburst of rage at her children for stealing her bathroom towels there was a little angst going on in my own home. While I sat immersed in my lovely kindle with the book that will finally change my life, rage was kindling alright, right in my little girl. My beautiful little looking glass was about to explode into fireworks mirroring my every fault. Her little brother had used all of the hot water. There she stood tirading about the injustice and thoughtlessness. And as usual, we parents snapped. Telling her not to blame him, the laundry and dishwasher are going too and she will just have to wait until morning. She marched off and I continued reading the very interesting life changing book. The little brother announced that he was going to go apologize to her. He went upstairs and came back dejected. She wouldn't let him speak to her. I patted his arm and continued reading. He wandered back upstairs and a few minutes later my husband said "is she still yelling at him about the shower?" Sure enough we could hear the muted litany of insults she had borne from behind her bedroom door, yes she rained down her anger on the little guy. I asked her to come downstairs and flipped back to the beginning of my book and read her the whole chapter about the stolen towels. She held her arms across her chest and puffed it defiantly. Little tears glittered in her eyes that nobody cared about her, that's what she worries about most. Part of it's because she's a middle child I suppose. I put the kindle down and I said "you know what? It really honestly wasn't his fault, and he really honestly wanted to apologize because he felt very bad that you got a cold shower but you wouldn't let him. Am I right?" She gave a slight nod and I said "honey, you really are my mini me, you are the closest thing to looking in the mirror 27 years ago that I could ever have. I am going to read this entire book with you because I want to equip you now so that you don't have to go through the pain I have in my life. It's really hard to let your anger be a wrecking ball in your life." She hunched her shoulders and started to walk away and I stopped her. I said "you know who makes you want to be angry right? You know who is winning the war for your heart when you're angry..." Her eyes softened and she nodded.
It's hard to be me... but it's even harder to see me in my beautiful little girl.
http://www.p31bookstore.com/collections/by-lysa-terkeurst/products/unglued
No comments:
Post a Comment