Eden Shea

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face like rushing rivers. It is so disappointing that I dissolved into a puddle because now I'll have a headache and it will last all day tomorrow unless I take drugs and I don't want to but to be honest, I'm just trying to make this all about me so I won't think about Eden. My sweet sweet Eden. My angel girl. My pumpkin doodle. My little Kindergartener. I don't want to let her go. She's going to have so much fun, but I won't be there for it. I'll miss it all and she won't remember to tell me a quarter of it. I love her so much and I laid in bed picturing the day she was born, so tiny, so perfect, how cute and chubby she was as a one year old, wrecking mischeif with the dogfood bowl, how adorable when she turned two and I could finally snag enough of her hair together for pigtails, how she greeted the new life of her sister with reverence and joy, how infuriating at three coloring on every surface of our house but then turning thos beguiling eyes on me and melting me into a puddle and riding her trike like the wind, and four, oh four was so neat, she got her bike, she got a baby brother, she had a best friend next door and life was so good. Now five is almost over and I feel like this year was lost. Too much time wasted, moving and trying to make ends meet. I'm grateful to have had it so easy for so much of her childhood but five was really just stolen from me. Well, I sold it for worry I guess. What a terrible trade. I vow that six will be golden. I'll live it like no other year with her. We'll make the best memories and even though I'll miss three hours of her day to school, I'll live the rest like I should and maybe I'll even try to savor the time alone with Nick and Kait, they never had that with me like Eden did. Sometimes I think I should make this a journal instead of a blog. Maybe I shouldn't lay all of my emotions out there for everyone under the sun to read and criticize. At any rate, my heart feels broken and I can't sleep. Tomorrow, my angel baby will take her first step from my nest and it hurts. People tell me they felt the same but I just can't believe it. It's way worse than anyone said and I wonder if I'm a drama queen, too attached, or what but I have no answer and sometimes it seems like the more I cry, the sadder I get instead of the sadder I get, the more I cry. Matter of fact, I have no idea which is causing the other and I don't think it would make me feel better to know anyway.