The wake up call

I had a snowball three days of personal crisis culminating with a movie night to see "Mom's Night Out". It was with two other stay at home moms who happen to be some of my dearest friends.  They spent days planning this night and at the last minute I jotted off an email giving my regrets for missing the show and explaining that I'm on a never ending crying jag when I hesitated then hit delete and typed a whole new email and just said yes. Thank you Jesus. I laughed and cried so hard at that movie. Thank goodness we had the theater to ourselves. Then I processed for about 24 hours and this is what I concluded. Who would think that a movie could speak to me on a level that no human ever has, personally, from the pulpit, in a conference, through a book... They jut nailed me. They nailed my problem and this is my conclusion:
So I've rolled around in my messes wondering why I'm so awful and tried a million fixes and fallen into the same sins. It's the human condition. I'm actually so acclimated that I was well on my way to hating myself in spite of the fact that God made me and he loves me. The one's who knew me and loved me best got that and always tried a gentle redirect after reading one of my self recriminating blogs. "You're so hard on yourself" was the gentle refrain. It actually made me angry. Because anger is my crutch and I wanted to fight my way out of situations and blame myself for every bad thing that happened, every relationship breakdown, every forgotten school event, every missed bill. It took coming to the point of being willing to let it go just like the movie we all love to hate "FROZEN"(solemn face). So, I've let go of hating myself. It's a much more logical reset button than focusing on steps to avoid life's pitfalls. I hated myself so much I let myself agonize and self recriminate for things I honestly did not care about. I used them as examples of how bad I am. It was miserable, why didn't I realize I was creating my own misery? So, that's done, I'm just going to enjoy being me and enjoy my life and enjoy the one's who love me and love them back. I'm done dissecting myself to death and feeling guilty for not taking perfect care of my health needs, worrying about things I will never be good at, agonizing over people who will never completely love me with my faults included. None of it matters. Yesterday, I accepted that nobody is more perfectly loved by God than me so who cares. The never ending mantra that you have to love yourself to receive love always drove me crazy. It sounded narcissistic. I get it now. How disappointing for God to be beaming down and loving me and trusting me with his missions while I roll around crying over spilled milk and missing His call entirely. It took a really bad day with a little mission from God that I somehow thankfully picked up on for me to turn my life over and see it from another perspective and I'm excited. I'm blessed. I'm free. That need for acceptance from everyone is gone. I'm ok with some people not liking me. Maybe God made me for a special group of people. LOL! I'm ok with my social faux pas. I'm ok with my depression. I'm ok with my grief. I'm ok with my muffin top. I'm ok with whatever I get. It's my lot in life and it's not a reflection of my mission, my calling, my purpose. It's just stuff. So, I'm done with accepting all of the blame for relationship failures, and beating myself up for being forgetful and dumping loads of drama on my faithful friends created by my insecurities rooted in self loathing. I am suddenly thinking... uh yeah, I'm pretty sure God can work in all of those problems if I just love Him, love me, love people and read His word.  It's not coincidental that loving myself makes me less judgmental and unloving towards other people. God loves me this way and He can use me, I know it because He is and he can change me too if he wants, that would be great.

Is it worth it?

I met my chum for dinner the other night.

 I admit I was nervous on some level. Not because we hadn't seen each other in nearly twenty years, more because I became a housewife with four kids and she became a high powered business woman. It's scary. Sometimes women get competitive... and sometimes when their lives take different paths... (whisper) they judge or worse yet think they will be judged which is just as miserable. Don't tell the guys I'm labeling girls because they will totally run away with that train. Overwhelming those little nagging fears was a bursting excitement to see my giggle snorting, never ending sleepover five nights in a row, bosom buddy, kindred spirit... wait for it... twin. Yes, she's my twin. I had a lot of friends who had never-ending sleepovers and giggle fests but she's the only one Dad ever called my twin and after the other night... I finally understand why. He was cagey, always making little jokes to himself without anyone realizing it. We shed a little tear for him and it was nice. But that's kind of another story.
Anyway, she selected our wine with ease and gave our pompous waiter a subtle set down just so he knew who knew more about wine which made me snicker and perhaps feel sorry for him. She told me about how God is working in her life and using her career and freedoms and just basically wowed me to death with what a little dynamite she is. I was fascinated and impressed and amazed but not jealous. That was the beauty of our time together. We weren't comparing to see who has it better so far. We were literally talking at warp speed to tell each other all about our lives and drinking it in faster than that amazing cabernet she picked.  She asked me at one point in our dreamy fairy tale wine and cheese gab fest if Jody and I have the perfect marriage. Let me just say it stopped me cold and sobered me up in a hurry. Because let me tell you honey, after four kids, 12 years of marriage, cancer, financial duress and moving 7 times... there's nothing perfect to see other than the beauty of those four little faces. We are battle scarred. I thought I might chuckle... then I thought I better not because after all a successful single friend seems to think maybe the stay at home mom who lives in sweat pants, reads goodnight moon by rote, rerolls toilet paper "clouds" (yes for real, that stuff is pricey!), mops up hershey's puddles, coaches kids to puke on their covers so you can just wash it and be done - might "have" something enviable. I realized I can't chuckle it off or play it up for Celly. She looks right into your soul and waits for the truth. I closed my mouth. I squeaked "perfect?" She smiled encouragingly like she'd enjoy a good brag and said "yeah, it looks so perfect on Facebook." Then I stumbled for words. I said, "perfect no... good, solid, forever, stable... yes." Her face fell like she was waiting for bad news. That's when I realized... single people want to know. They really want to know. And the reason they want to know is because they aren't sure if it's worth it. I didn't want to just throw a wet blanket on things and nobody does... A perfect analogy is you want to have a baby so people talk about spit up and newborn liquid poop and sleepless nights like that's the whole story. That's all you hear because deep down... we all want you to have the baby and we know you have enough bravado to decide to soldier through that... If we actually told you what it's like to try to get them through 12 years of school then figure out college without stabbing your hand with an icepick to distract you from the stress... it could be a game changer and then we might get so baby sick that we talk ourselves into having another one and that is freaking hard work... WE KNOW! So we just talk about babies crying at night. By the same token, deep down, the married people for some reason want the single people to get married. So we might try to make it sound like something it isn't or more simple than it really is. Which is not what the single people want. But to describe it to a single person is nigh on to impossible anyway so it's moot. I believe with all of my being that being married to Jody is the best. It's not the only thing I could have done with my life and it's not always happy and it's never really perfect. But it's good, strong, full of love and grace... and yes - worth it. For the single people out there I have only one piece of advice. If you're going to try to handle picking your spouse... all I can say is don't worry about their faults and imperfections, just know your own and find someone with different one's so you truly can be one flesh and you truly can carry each other through the storms, someone worth it like Jody. Besides a perfect spouse would be so ANNOYING!!! My mom's advice is "God knows more people than you, so just let Him handle it."
On the flip side...well gosh... even I think that family looks pretty perfect. LOL!