My heart is heavy

I come from a long line of dramatic and passionate people. So, it should suprise nobody for me to announce that the house in Kasson continues to haunt me in a ridiculous way. The only message I get from God is "Be still and know that I am God." That's all and it just can't quite penetrate. I say it to myself and I feel calm. The very next instant I am trying to figure out what in the world we're going to do. Jody and I have reminded each other that we have everything that is important. My dad has reminded me that in the face of the most dire circumstances, he and my mother fended off bankruptcy with only enough money in their pockets to buy a lemon at the grocery store. For seven long years they struggled their way out of trouble. He reminded me that "Herberts don't do Bankrupcy." He even told me something I'd never known. Even the banker that liked them, recommended that they let Culligan go into bankruptcy. It bolstered my battered heart and I rose to the challenge. I know our situation is not so terrible. I know that people face much harder things than this without giving up and I acknowledge that my parents are some of those people. It makes me proud and it makes me want my children to be proud of me someday. Do I want a despairful story of failing to repay my debts to tell my children someday or do I want to say "Allen's don't do foreclosure." I don't know how long this temporary situation will last, but I know He won't give us a burden we can't bear. I've literally felt the joy drain from my life. Without my amazing children, how would I praise God each day? I ask and the very first person to come to mind is Job. How did he do it? My problems are small, but I just can't conquer them. Why am I so sad? I feel that my husband does an amazing job providing for us, my children are brilliant, the love our family possesses is beyond a dream to me. I can tangibly feel Gods love for me more now than I ever have in my life, yet this sadness is upon me, it feels like I've given up. I keep trying to rise above it, I remind myself of truths continually, I hug, kiss, love and devote myself to my family but still it remains. It's as though I feel that I'm the one who failed. I talked Jody into moving to Minnesota. I didn't stand up for the fact that I knew we shouldn't buy that house. I didn't manage the household to the best of my ability to save money. I selfishly didn't get a part time job when Kait was weaned. The list goes on and on. No matter what, it's still there yelling at me, telling me everything I did wrong that drove us to this point. I guess this is what it feels like to lose hope about something.