Dear Jesus

I pray that you take my pain and use every vivid color to paint something beautiful with my life. I pray that someday when I'm gone my children will rise up and call me blessed. I pray that I will learn to be so completely inhabited by you that nobody even remembers the old selfish hateful hurtful me. I pray that as you consume me, you use me for your purpose. I pray that you make my heart soft and willing to forgive. I pray that you give me wisdom in all situations. I pray that your Holy Spirit gives me temperance. I pray that as I fall deeper in love with Jody that you will make me the wife he needs in every way. I pray that as I am soaked in your love, I will be transparent and your light will shine from my deepest most hurting places out to warm a hurting soul.  

I know this prayer is all about me but it's all I have to give. 

And forgive my hard hearted mess. I know there's beauty in the journey and I give the journey to you. I welcome the scenic route, the road less travelled, the rocky painful route, so I know you more.

A diary of my day as Jody's errand boy

12:15 - home from church... Giving myself a pep talk and suggesting that I drink extra coffee to myself to offset the pancake breakfast crash that was crowding in.

12:30 - rooted to my chair cuddling Hazel.

12:45 - Jody heads to the garage and I surrender to the inevitable and dolefully follow.

1:00 - finding my groove, happy that he's going to have a woodworking setup after all of these years. We are positioning cabinets! This will be done in no time!

1:15 - still chugging

1:30 - kids begging for fishing poles... I give them string. 

1:45 - feverishly taking pictures of trash and trying to pawn it off on Craigslist and Facebook to NO avail. Then I put my hand on the ottoman that has been piled out there and tell him I just have to try to reupholster it and take it to the front door. He ignores me.

2:00 - feeling hungry and tired, trying to keep Hazel happy with old wrinkly blueberries. I suggest an excellent idea for the work bench area which he accepts!

2:15 - announce to Jody that we need the desk that he's been barely tolerating in the garage for several months in our office so we haul it in and I announce I'm keeping it. He stares at me impassively but makes no comment.

2:30 - I declare a lunch break and stuff my face with last nights wilted salad and let Hazel feed herself yogurt which causes a disaster. 

2:45 - Jody propels me back to the garage which I weakly protest to.

3:00 - kids come back from creek for bucket, yes unsupervised! What do you think I am a modern mother? Seriously!

3:15 - Jody tips over the ladder and dangles from rafters trying to catch the work bench with his toes while I piteously wail his name standing on a small cleared area on the work bench with a trampoline net and mat balled up and dangling between us obstructing my view of what is happening until it falls to the floor. Wishing so desperately I'd thought to carry smelling salts or pinch my nose like people do in books for just such a moment later as I reflect back on it.

3:30 - Jody and I are still balanced on the ladder and workbench precariously stuffing precious broken junk in the rafters for "someday"

3:45 - I turn around to see the tackle box open and Hazel double fisting tackle. (Trying to imagine if she has 5 hooks stuck in her hand and waiting for the delayed reactionary scream which never comes.) thank you Jesus she just has rubber worms!

3:59 - I realize I have not made a dinner I promised to a friend recovering from surgery and feverishly text to see if tomorrow works. Gracious gracious people this world is full of.

4:00 - daydreaming of Jody sweeping me into his arms to tell me he loves the free cabinetry I acquired.

4:01 - electricity goes out while Jody is drilling and he yells anything but poetry. He has hit a wire. Everything stops. Time for Mr. Perfect to berate himself for accidentally doing something I definitely would have done while I silently and gleefully welcome him to my world. He abruptly leaves my sad little world and dons his electrician hat.

4:15 back on track electricity restored and I again make an excellent suggestion for the pegboard installation. I am the perfect side kick.

4:30 - Jody and I are again dangling and wrestling this time our rooftop carrier up to the rafters with various tie downs some of which do work properly -dropping - tipping - falling and finally laughing with our arms over our heads saying this can't go this poorly for this long! I tell him I think Bart would say we are having fun while not having fun.

4:45 - I stare at disarray in all directions and realize this is not over, it's nowhere close.

5:00 - fatigue clouds my vision but I'm quickly snapped back to reality as Jody tips a step stool he's on and catches himself on a rope. His ankle is now tweaked and he asks me how many things can go wrong. I stare at him silently gauging whether I could make a "let's quit" plea but I see no weakness in his green determined eyes. I discard the notion as fast as my thoughts process.

5:15 - vacuuming sawdust for the tenth time. He keeps having to saw one more thing. No job is simple. 

5:30 - I start hoping for a phone call from friends who had made tenative plans for a girls night out contingent upon children etc... I know it's a slim hope but it's ALL I HAVE...

5:45 - I hold a shelf over my head for a very very long time trying to act casual and strong.

6:00 - still not seeing any finish line, working desperately to just keep going

6:15 - I reflect on my amazingness. I think of my time in manual labor and I know that not every wife would hang this long. It takes grueling conditioning of hauling hay in 100 degree weather with 100% humidity to achieve this status but my "self awesomeness ponderance" has a hollow ring because I have a lot more work to do and it makes me want to lay on the concrete in silent surrender.

6:30 - I accept that I am probably not having a girls night out to save me and press on.

6:45 - Hazel now looks somewhere between brown and charcoal in color and still has a blueberry yogurt face. I tell her she's the best.

7:00 - I'm flagging. I occasionally sit down to "check for hits" on the trash I'm trying to give away.

7:15 I'm very mechanically returning bicycles to the rack. 

7:45 my kids return from the creek professing they caught 13 craw dads and set them free. They tell us the garage looks great. I view their praise as a precursor to havoc because children are emblematic of havoc.

8:00 - I rearrange the donation pile and announce I'm keeping the chairs after all. Jody sighs and tells me that sounds great. After all he has only suffered their presence in the garage for a year and it's only the third giant space hog I've decided to keep.

8:15 - we are done! Thank God! Then... Hazel the neglected aborigine requests a ride around the block in her push car. I comply. 

8:30: Hazel and I shower and watch each other change colors like magic while gray water swirls in the floor.

9:45 - I hear Jody praying with the kids and thanking God for me.

10:00 we watch the news and see that the high was 99 today. Oh yeah baby! 

Love wins one way or another

I am writing this blog as an ideal to my children. I am not putting myself on a pedestal and that is why I will spend 60 seconds to quickly list off all of the sins I noticed I committed today. I lost my temper. I yelled at my kids. I even gave dirty looks. I was sensitive about something someone said and had to talk myself through the grace process. I was tired and lazy at one point. I was wasteful and spent time on Facebook. I was inconsistent and didn't always take Hazel to the potty. I was anxious. I was fearful. I was prideful. I was self pitying. Ok enough. I'm going to get a complex. You get the picture. I'm freaking awesome!

I wish I were capable of connecting the dots between serving God and loving Him for people because it's the most important yet overlooked part of faith.  It seems like every day of my life I can draw on examples of my parents character, unconditional love and perseverance. I wonder how many nights my mom propped herself up in bed reading her NASB to Dad with her Strongs concordance and other study materials piled around her as well as Dad's controversial materials like Dakes and the book of Yasher. They fed their spiritual hunger and their love for Jesus grew which of course caused their faith to grow and of course their character grew. 

I recently read an article that 70% of smokers were children of smokers. And during their childhood they had asked their parents to stop smoking without success. I cannot say enough times how thankful I am for a very different yet far more potent heritage.

I recently unintentionally offended a friend. I made several attempts to ask forgiveness and gain an understanding of what I had done but only after a mutual friend intervened did I find out what my latest careless speech had wrought. I felt upset that I had been so misunderstood. Isn't that typical? I'm offended that I carelessly let unbridled and unkind words fall from my tongue and it offended someone. I rationalized that my character had been misjudged and there was no point in defending myself. But ironically I had promised to pray about it. On top of that, I had already resolved to forgive myself of anything each day except one thing... Not reading from the gospels. And so there I was praying about this botched friendship and reading the book of John. Sigh. Two times this week Jesus has told me to love my neighbors or love people. And that very thing is what has been called into question. It confounds me that I need to make resolution but yet all of the stars are aligning. Yes Bart, in answer to your fascinating question the other day, I would definitely say my life has a very common theme. Elizabeths big fat mouth... over and over until I seriously wonder why God gave me one. 

Dear God why is it still there?!?

So before I humbly seek a resolution with the person I offended which is something I have down to a science complete with calloused knees, (well actually they are more bruised from falling down at church while holding my two year old last Sunday in ridiculous heels but who cares)

I will make a very long and boring speech to my children who may someday read my blog because simply put after losing Dad... I wish he had written one for me. 

Dear children, 

we are a humble family. We have no leg to stand upon if we ever hope to be good enough people to someday meet Jesus. Our sins committed have been forgiven by the grace of God and that alone. They have been cast as far as the east is from the west. We are sanctified by receiving Jesus and the truth He shared. You will meet many "Christians" in this life who try to take their identity from declaring themselves clean of certain sins, like premarital sex, homosexual relationships, abortions and the list goes on. I promise you that if you avoid those sins you will have less emotional baggage stealing your joy but you will not be free of sin. Your identity as a Christian does not come from sins you avoided by self determination or luck but from accepting the confounding grace God extended to you with each sin you repented of as you pursued knowing Jesus and loving Him like there's no tomorrow. It's like taking off piece after piece of useless heavy armor to give your failures to Jesus and let him cast them as far as the East is from the West. Your character will be honed, your humility rooted and your peace established. So please remember you are no better than any man, woman or child. You are only forgiven by grace. But keep it in balance and remember everyone is a sinner so nobody is better than you or more capable of doing what God made you to do better than you either. You have no spotless heritage and it doesn't matter anyway. Your spiritual life is not measured by your sinful nature. It's measured by whether you personally believe Jesus is the Son of God love Him with all your heart mind and soul, engage in daily repentance and throw yourself into unabashed love for all people. You will know by your own behavior whether or not you have done those things each day. For it is a moment by moment choice, not a decision once made in a lifetime.

Romans 8:6So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.

Your duty to other Christians is to exhort them in their journey knowing Jesus in every way you can. Do not worry about their sins unless you have prayed ceaselessly and feel that the Holy Spirit is drawing you to share truth. Don't use your own words though, use scripture. Let it speak to them. Keep your own words within the Philippians 4:8 perimeter.

Philippians 4:8

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Your duty to people who do not share your faith is to love them and pray for their souls. Be obedient to God and tell them about Jesus if the Holy Spirit ever nudges you and alerts you to an open heart. There is no need to judge them by any standards in the Bible or compare your sins to theirs or give them any reason to doubt that you love them just exactly as they are. News flash, Jesus loves you just the way you are too. We are all broken sinners, just some of us have accepted that fact and love Jesus and some haven't. 

And just my opinion here, don't argue with people about what is a sin and what isn't. If their hearts are hard, you are just making them harder with arguments. Their soul is in the balance, remember that every moment. If they are feeling convicted and you are too harsh, you might make them feel condemned which can be easily circumvented by accepting Jesus grace. Be gentle!!!

It is possible that you could follow those instructions and still be hated and labeled as a hater. Jesus warned us that will happen. Still persevere and never waver from truth. Love wins one way or another.

John 13:34
So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. 

John 8:32 

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 17:17

Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.

Love

What's that? Did I just go to bed and get up crying again? Oh! So I did!
I'll tell you what though. This Independence Day is so special to a girl like me. There's all these little corporations in America breathing a sigh of relief that they won't have to have innocent red baby blood on their hands because Hobby Lobby fought a fight they could never have afforded against abortion pills. Yes that's right, not contraceptive pills, but abortion pills. Although we have all laid down and allowed ourselves to be forced to include contraceptives as health care, somebody said OK enough when it came to killing babies. So on this splendid 4th of July I stand and give the slow clap to Hobby Lobby. What they did was brave, unpopular in our self serving culture and truly American. I'll tell you, my dad would have called it a sweet Independence Day for sure. He was a patriot and I know that he would have been proud. The semantics of how it won is questionable I agree with Ron Paul but still, freedom of religion holds a light clasp on America and I know why. Because of a heritage of faith.
Hazel pulls my hands from her tangly hair and compellingly leans on my chest and says "just hold me Mommy, I love you." I hold her. A moment later my hands helplessly reach for the snarl on the back of her head and again she says "just hold me Mommy." I love that patience. She's got time to love me around my busy mind.
I see my husband snapping at the kids and think to myself that he's not reaching them for a change in heart. Then in less than a heartbeat one complains about salmon for dinner and I lash out.
My heart wants more. It wants to do right but oh how temptation lies at every corner. Carefully and artfully laid out to draw me away from the voice of the Holy Spirit. I wish when I'd had time that I'd laid my head on the heart of Jesus as a child and young adult. Just let his heartbeat consume me and surrender to Him. He has a perfect way.
I enjoy all my people. Adults. We think we have things so pat. So straight. Our opinions define us. We feel confident in our positions. We argue or we accept. We stand our ground in all things or we consider ourselves open minded. We look inside ourselves to find the capacity to accept all or dwell on how to change all. We take pride in speaking truth or holding our tongues. And always we live by cliches.  Like not spanking. Or not yelling. Or not saying stupid stuff online. Or not getting drunk. Or not not not not not not not not not. But what if I said... I'm starting to think none of it matters. What if I said that if your action was guided by self it's spiritually irrelevant? If you bake cookies for someone because you think it's the right thing to do and you weren't guided by love, you just baked nothing and delivered nothing and received nothing and nothing nothing nothing. What if... you were content to pray? Can you imagine finding contentment in prayer? To pray for that person and never take an action until the Holy Spirit prompted you if ever whether to bake them cookies or share a verse or have coffee. This is a developing thought. I have not lived this yet and my examples are too extreme I'm sure. I'm just tired of feeling like a clanging gong. And the more busy I try to be to give my kids experiences or do good things for people the more like a clanging gong I feel.  Busy is the death knell of love in my life. When I hear the word busy my heart crashes. And yet it defines us. And we all hope busy is changing hearts and changing lives and doing good and sharing Christ but unfortunately it doesn't seem to be having that effect on the world. No it does not. So I can only conclude, we need to be less busy and more available to the Holy Spirit.