Never was a perfect day

If you have a bad day, I think you should take a cute picture and tell a different story. I mean, do I really want to relive each little hell in fine detail when I'm old or just look at the pictures and smile? Yesterday was an epic fail. Here's the pics I got before everything went south. ;-)

Why I delude myself into believing organization is around the corner:

I've got a couple of things going for me. #1. I'm going to Ikea tomorrow and #2. I'm pregnant and hopefully nesting. If these two cosmic events can conspire to organize my life, I will be very happy for a short while until normalcy returns and I am again stuck with 1/2 sets of legos, miscellaneous parts to polly pockets, mason jars with grasshoppers inside them, a sticky refrigerator with popsicle juice making the freezer door stick and an insurmountable pile of school/mail/newspapers etc... PAPERS. I don't need these papers. I don't use credit cards. I don't want new windows or a roof or a kitchen remodel. I don't need anything from Pottery Barn. All of the store sales are online. Honestly, the school could just send home the kids papers that need work. I don't mind tissue paper in care packages from anyone. That is a totally acceptable source of paper.
A few months ago, I did a total detail of my car. It was the first in a very long time because Jody has officially surrendered to the chaos of all of our kids and sworn off ever dealing with the gooey, nasty, sometimes even puzzling contents of the van again. He no longer wanders the house with a mini paint roller on the weekends, nor does he insist on measuring before I hang a picture. The garage is a lost cause, as are many other things he has released with the intentional focus of staying sane. He has zeroed in on preserving the truck the children rarely ride in and the motorcycle that is his. Anyway, so somehow I told myself that if I totally cleaned the car it would probably stay pretty nice because the girls are so big now, they probably won't trash it. There is a slowly dawning realization in me that, perhaps the only way I stay sane is by deluding myself in such a way, although I can honestly say my sanity is under scrutiny lately. Today as I was preparing the van for the trip to Ikea, I realized that there were empty yogurt tubes in the floor, crushed up goldfish, whole animal crackers and splashes of chocolate milk here and there on the sides and doors. That's just a brief overview, I am sparing you the gritty details. My complete reluctance to "intentionally parent" is now reaping what has been sown. No longer can I claim my little piglets are just too little... no, this is my own creation. How does such a thing happen, you may ask. Well, I will tell you. It starts with me staring blankly when I come out of a craigslist "furniture hunting or selling" stupor which can last from 5 to even 45 minutes. I might slowly come into focus to realize of course, terrible things have been swirling around me a a dizzying speed. All of the couch cushions are removed, the Wii is going full blast, there's a cluster of cups of half drunk chocolate milk with a half a dozen straws and a handful of spoons, and chocolate milk powder loosely sprinkled around with little puddles of milk dripping down the edge of the table, and of course the milk is still sitting out. This may be small potatoes compared to what they have decided to "cook".
What will I do? I will go to Ikea, idealize my life in that store and then come home, have another baby and continue my life where I left off. When I don't know what to cook, I'll stand in the kitchen eating cherries and repeatedly opening the sticky refrigerator door and all of my other cabinets in quick succession with long pauses in front of the cereal boxes. When I have too many papers, I'll make them into a painting drop cloth for Nick. But for a day... there is Ikea.

Highs and lows

Sometimes I am swept away by how Jody loves me. He loves me so true. He's the most loyal of people. If I pick on him for the way he prioritizes his work, I always know in the back of my mind, it's not because he wants to do it, it's because he has to and he has to do it 110%, it's his way. What really amazes me and has every time I've carried one of his children, is how patient he is with my emotional highs and lows. He is so, so supportive. I wish every pregnant lady had a guy like him. He affirms me, he supports me, listens to all of my woes and seems to be genuinely interested in helping me work it all out. I could not ask for a better partner in life. Someday Eden, Kait and Nick will read this and hopefully it will set their standards for finding a person like Jody and being a person like him.
Lately, I've been trying to truly wrap my mind around the fact that I have a birth coming up. I'm in the last trimester. This is for real, and I've got some birth planning to do. Even as I write this, my entire belly is shaking. I guess this little persons ears are burning. My births feel so long ago that it seems like I've forgotten what my "priorities" for the birth were. With Kait I fantasized about baking a cake for everyone to eat after she came out while I was in labor. Ridiculous. I was thrashing around gyrating and praying somebody would get there before she came out which my midwife mentioned the other day. She laughingly said she remembers so clearly racing to my house to "catch that baby". With Nick, I just remember being so ready to go into labor for so long that we finally decided to wash the dogs because we had already done a "final grocery shopping" trip twice. I think with this one, I'll just make lists, like lists of helpful things to do during labor and my grocery list etc... buy a bottle of champagne and wait for the big day. My sister and friends want to come to the birth so I kind of picture it being a party. Baby comes out, we all have cake and champagne or fratata and mimosas depending on what time it is, then I collapse and they grab my cash and shopping list and do everything I should have done. Doesn't that sound nice? I guess with nesting I'll probably try to do everything myself after all but it's a nice fantasy. I guess my main wish is that everyone could be psychic. They hear my thoughts and put my hair in a ponytail or turn the lights down or grab me a glass of iced tea... all of those little things that drive a woman crazy in labor but she just can't articulate. But mostly, so help me, if anyone throws a pity party for me in labor this time, I'm going to attack them. I absolutely hate pity in labor and have yet to have a baby without someone saying something as stupid as I would if I were there helping.
Beyond that, I'm completely blank when I imagine myself holding a new baby with a new name and a new birthday. It's mind boggling. It's the most surreal pregnancy I've ever had. So many people have said the words "when you hold that baby" and I just can't even believe it. I try to picture myself holding a baby, wearing a sling again, nursing a baby, dragging a baby carrier around... it's literally inconceivable.

The end of summer

Yesterday was our last day of summer. Jody worked a ton of hours last week so he could have the day with us. It frustrates me to no end how overworked he is and how there is just nothing to be done, but I know I need to resign myself to the fact that it is not in my power to change that. Anyway, we went to Boondocks and we all had such a great time. There was a tranquility in the constant laughter and completely relaxed time. We had no schedule, no time frame, just family time. After countless go cart rides, bumper boat rides, laser tag and mini golf, we used up the last bit of time at the arcade. Eden had begged Jody to play WII with her, so we came home and he checked that off. Kait had begged for a bike ride to the park, so we checked that off and by then it was time for baths and bed. The end of summer came and that was it. I wish life could be an endless summer with Jody around to do all of that with us every day. It's taken me many years to realize it, but doing those kinds of things are so much better as a family than trying to go with friends and keep track of a gaggle of children.
At 11PM Nick got growing pains. It took awhile but we got that worked out. This morning at 5 the alarm went off. No, I do not have any idea why Jody either gets up that early or tries to every single day. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. It was nearly 6 when I gave up and got up. I made lunches, scones, sausage, tea and roused the girls. While I was making the lunches I realized that Kait won't be having lunch with me anymore. The water works started and haven't stopped since. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant, maybe it's because you really don't know how to appreciate that short time you have with each of your kids before school steals them away. I think of how I took it all for granted with Eden and then felt torn in half when she took off to first grade. I sat in a little puddle, wondering why I couldn't just breathe in and out and savor the experience of being with them. Now my little buddy sits beside me with his spider man tattoo watching me type. He's impressed with all of my letters. He isn't sure we should take a walk without Daddy and Eden and Kait. He says he isn't interested in doing any school with me but he'd consider playing trains. He isn't ready for his scone at the moment, but I imagine if I get him off for a walk he'll want to go home and eat his scone. I know how short this time is, it might be his last year keeping me company all day. And yet the years stretch before and behind me in a blur of happiness, sacrifice, stress and immeasurable joy. While my time is short, it seems I've never been without a little mouth to feed, a little sticky hand to wash, a carseat to buckle or a situation to negotiate, and really it seems I never will, even as my lovely little girls head off to school with their marching orders in hand.

I'm happy again

Kinda wandered my way out of the black forest a couple of days ago. Whew.
I sat in church this Sunday staring rather perplexed at a skirt hitting me mid-thigh in a sitting position thinking, how many wardrobe malfunctions can I have in a single pregnancy exclusively on Sunday? One day I got dressed, wandered around the house getting everyone ready to get out the door and looked down to realize my top would be fantastic for nursing... with the easiest access from the top ever. That was a last minute save at home but the very next week, I squeezed into a top, told myself it was the last time, got to church, sat down and the thing was gapping big holes of skin between each button. Well, what's a girl to do? I mean, I'm there now, it's just survive and repeat next week apparently. Fourth pregnancy? Seriously? Anyway, I charged into the grocery store today with my cavalcade in tow and met a cute little preggo girl striding out with a mid belly tank top and a mini skirt on. She was workin it. I guess that's the way to look at it. Hey, I'm Jennifer Aniston and I don't care if anyone sees my belly, 3/4's of my boob or a little butt cheek...
I'm also getting a little too much feedback on my body overall this time around. Whether it's someone exclaiming to me that I'm huge and asking me to agree or asking me when I'm due and then letting their eyeballs fall out when I answer. I mean seriously people. I'm not thrilled to be pregnant a fourth time, you are not helping things. I eat the nice feedback up like peanut butter cups. I can't believe how needy I am. When I get the "you are just such a cute little thing ALL BELLY" I bask. I know I've got a spare tire and back fat. I know the truth but feed my ego, make me feel good. What have you got to lose? One that gave me a couple of rounds of good belly laughs was when I mentioned my stomach had been hurting to my neigbors a few days ago and the husband looked over and said "ya know, you might be pregnant."
We are having our usual fall drama. School is starting in two weeks, our renters gave notice that they're moving out in four weeks and we have an appointment on Thursday to find out if Jody needs another surgery for his thyroid cancer. A month ago, this might have sent me into the nut house, but some crazy prayer warrior has bumped me up and I am sailing. My perception of Jody says, he's the same. We're going to be just fine.