The end of school

We finished school today. I get a little weepy here and there. I really can't quite sort out whether I feel like I'm indulging in something when I cry about the kids growing up or whether I'm being forced down that path by a bunch of sentimental chain jerkers. Either way, every year I get misty eyed. I'll be honest that I can't say I felt misty eyed over Eden moving on. She seemed to respect her teacher this year but there wasn't that bond where you know that your kid has a teacher who loves his/her students each and every one and they are all special to her. Her teacher had favorites and Eden wasn't on her short list. I kind of felt sad for her but I do know that her first two teachers were genuinely fond of her and enjoyed talking about her, so I guess you can't have it all. Kait, on the other hand, had that special teacher this year. The one that has warm and special words for each of her students and loves them all completely. I love seeing that coming from a teacher because they make such an impact on a childs life. Some of them grasp that and consider it part of their job description. It's something I appreciate that as a meddlesome critical parent.
I've felt a little person bee bopping around inside of me. Sometimes I take a minute to imagine what the little person doing somersaults and kickboxing inside of me would look like if I could see. Kait wanted to know how big it's gotten so I checked a weekly growth log on the internet. The analogies always crack me up. A bell pepper. Okay. Well, I'm not sure why almost every fetal development analogy is food oriented, but that's what we get so... the bell pepper was kicking it up today. If it were me writing it, I'd use different animals each week. It would be sure to give pregnant women crazy nightmares of delivering a guinea pig, chihuahua or a prairie dog or something. That's definitely something to motivate a woman to take her sticky white baby with gooey hair and often bruised up cone head and kiss it with fervor. All while having the incoherent thought of "thank GOD you aren't a weiner dog!" That must be why they use food. We all know it's not a watermelon in there, we know it's alive and somehow I think the seed could be planted in a crazy pregnant mind quite easily that you've got an alien or furry creature growing inside you. Just sayin.
Eden loves the science of things, so we were discussing how the body breaks down food and passes calories through the umbilical cord to the baby at dinner tonight. She got a bright smile and told me that the baby is like a balloon inside of me and the umbilical cord is pumping it up. I guess this is cute but is it very fun for a woman to think about someone hooking a bicycle pump up to her for the fourth time in her life? No, it's not fun. Do I want to feel like my belly might split right down the middle at any moment again? This is not a trick question. No, I don't!
Here was a grand time I had at the kindergarten party. Another woman who accidentally had a fourth child found out I was accidentally pregnant with a fourth child. She attached herself to me like a leach telling me how horrible it is to have four kids and how awful it is to get pregnant with a fourth child when you didn't plan it. I tried to dodge her, repeatedly rushing over to get my arms pulled out of their sockets doing the parachute game with the kids, but as soon as I gave out, she would catch me again and ply me with inappropriate questions and volunteer an unnerving amount of personal emotions over her FOURTH pregnancy. I didn't learn anything that you could say to make a woman feel better about an unplanned pregnancy but I did learn several things not to say. If this is making you fearful of what you should say to a woman who isn't thrilled to be pregnant, I have a bit of advice. Just laugh when she does and shake your head with a sad smile when she does and whack her on the back and tell her she'll be fine. It's fairly elementary. Don't be surprised if she tells you one day that she has come to terms and then complains for a week straight, followed by another announcement that she is finally happy to be pregnant. It seems to be part of the "process" from what I can determine. Obviously it has nothing to do with not wanting your child. They are purely selfish emotions related to self, not child.
My very most favorite quote of the week is "it all goes so quickly, savor every minute." My reply was "I'll try to savor at least one out of ten and call it good." Seriously, this incredibly short stage is lasting for a significant portion of my life at this point. I did just sit and stare at all three of them. I tried memorizing their faces and funny things but it's just a big mosh. What a waste of emotion and memory space. Now I appear to have completely run out of emotion and memory and I've got another little person to pour all of that into all over again.
For any person reading this who didn't have the sense to laugh: I'm FINE! I'm FINE. I am trying to be funny. It's a raw attempt at dry wit and sarcastic inappropriate humor.

Beauty of a season

It's spring. Some days are windy, some are sunny and some are rainy. I've been told by a friend who lives in Portland that nobody is sharing much pity for a person in Colorado who cries in her teacup over four days of rain. I think we had more than four days of rain but somehow I don't think that makes much difference to the people sweltering in Arkansas and living under umbrellas in Portland. It may very well have drowned the tomato plants... but again, I doubt this is dredging up much pity from any front.
We are leaning into our last week of school. I can almost taste the freedom but first we must do two weeks of swim lessons at 8AM. Then I'm free. Free as a bird to sweat my way through summer with a growing baby belly.
This afternoon we went to a neighbors house. They bought some furniture from me and mentioned they had to postpone coming to see it because they had baby goats born. It was practically an invitation to see the little cutie pies, so we ate a quick lunch and scuttled over there to cuddle some little warm soft bits of God's creation. They had a two month old llama named Bandit, so we got to visit with him too. Adorable!
When we got home, it was such a lovely day the kids decided to plant my pepper and collard green plants. Mommy remembered to take pictures! Everyone pat me on the back! These are the moments we wish we had pictures of, and this time I DO!

Savor the flavor

My hazelnut tea sits beside me in a cup Kait specially picked for me this AM. It's filled with the tea from Eden and Kait's cups after they left for school. I am honored that they favor me with little expressions of love and flattered that they wanted to have tea with me this morning. I over steeped it, so they didn't drink it. I love the tender taste buds that haven't been hardened by years of parenting. I remember when an over steeped pot of tea went right down the drain. Now, I just savor the flavor and imagine how perfect it could have been.
We had some lovely conversations this morning, centering around the baby. It started with some new words crossing my lips. I told them I'm excited to be pregnant. They had no idea this was a milestone with me which I think is a small miracle and definitely a good thing. I said something to the effect of having wished I could have picked my last baby out at an orphanage in Africa but this was great too. Eden volunteered Kait or Nick for taking me on that journey but reasserted her age old message of "but I'm not sure I'll ever have kids so I probably won't do that." I laughed and told her it wasn't very fair for her to be all excited for me to have four kids and then warn me that she might not ever give me any grandchildren. Eden told me her friend Destinee was amazed that I'm pregnant which Eden related with the "play by play" effect. It made me feel weird and old. You can't really describe how weird it is for one of your kids to relate to you what other people think of your pregnancy when you've always just had little toddlers running around when you get pregnant saying "mommy has a baby in her tummy! mommy has a baby in her tummy!"
I'm always looking to see what's under the surface with the girls so I said. "What would you say if someone wanted to know why I have babies at home?"
Eden's had a certain air about her since she was two and it always tricks me into parenting her like she's a teenager for some reason. She paused in her lunch making, and while holding a ziploc bag, an air of knowledge fell over her like a mantle. "I would just tell them that you are more comfortable at home and you have your babies in the water instead of an old hard bed because the water makes you feel better." She said the word 'feel' with great emphasis.
Kaitlyn piped in with "I'm going to tell everyone that you like to have your babies in a tub!" Nice visual Kait, now I do feel like the weirdos on the SNL skit.
Yesterday Kaitlyn also asserted to me that dinosaurs are distinct. She was so proud of the use of the word. My little mini me. I remember reading the dictionary and practicing words and thinking of profound sentences to use them in only to finally lay it out there for Mom and Dad and have them burst into hysterical laughter and then pronounce it properly to me.
Jody and I are picking baby names. He has no motivation so I'm rolling along like a steam roller with him going around and around the steel plate against his will. I write lists with names, where they are on the popularity chart and what they mean. I email them to him and he grudgingly highlights the one's he likes in red. We're only on the first name right now so I can see this could be a rather lengthy process. We have two solid ideas but I do have a name I just can't convince him of for a girl but I WANT it. I have this annoying habit of thinking if I say it over and over to him in a cute voice he will grow to like it. Jody's stubborn so it will probably have the opposite effect.
I have stared at baby things on craigslist for three months. I am not convinced I need a single thing I've seen. I have a very short list of six things I need which of course will have to be new (carseat) or from a specialty store sigh. I hate having had so much baby experience. It makes me so picky. The rest of that stuff all depends on the baby. When you KNOW it's your last one, there is no point in having something that your baby might not like. That's my philosophy anyway. I will admit that this could be a hangover from the incredibly liberating process I went through two years ago when I got rid of a million baby things. Having that snatched away is a bit of a stabbing pain because the kids have certainly acquired enough things to compensate for the unloading of baby paraphernalia. I feel almost claustrophobic when I go in the "baby room" and the kids have scattered their stuff around playing. They CANNOT grow into that room. They CANNOT!
Later today Nick strolled into the kitchen while Fiona was here for a playdate with Kait. He told me "The girls are in the bedroom, but I'm not a "girly girl" I'm a boy like daddy---- and the baby." Oh sweet Jesus, let the boy have a boy please! I can't imagine his disappointment with another sister. LOL! He looked at me quizzically and said "do we still have a baby Mom?" I said "yeah, it's still in my tummy." He kicked the kitchen cabinet with his toe and said "I want to see it" and turned and ambled out of the kitchen.
Nick played with a one year old baby at Bible study the other day and he was quite funny. He had no concept of appropriate play for such a tiny tot which gave me giggles. I think he loved the baby but when the baby came to me and was talking gibberish, Nick scrambled up me like a cub and said very plainly "this is MY mommy" while holding me in a crushing hug. Oh boy. How do the one's who got to be the baby for this long cope I wonder. I do wonder.

The sower of the Word

Matthew 13

3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.”
18 “Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19 When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. 20 The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 22 The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. 23 But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

It's supposed to be a challenge, something to rise to. Something to be. But I've been a bumbling sower for years. I find it... frustrating. I read the parable and I see faces. I see the one's who had no roots. Then I think about the the one's who didn't try to understand me, and instead tried to see the Word through human eyes which enabled Satan to steal it from them. It's such a downer. Recently, I had a little boost though. A friend told me that people I didn't know, had been witnessing to and praying for a family who I had recently invited to church for years. All it took was a warm conversation and an invitation to church, for something to start. Jesus, my prophet. I love it when your words match something happening in my life. It makes me feel like you're my friend and not just a friend of the disciples.

John 4
36 Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. 37 Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. 38 I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.”

I'd like to hug every sower in that family's life. I'd like to be glad with them. I'd also like to think that I'm wrong about the one's who's faces are like ghosts to me. I'd like to think that they WERE fertile ground and my seeds were slow to germinate or were dormant. That someone even now might be reaping the harvest of something sown long ago.

"The Best Mom in the World"

When Jody pulled me close and pressed his mouth into my hair and told me I was the most amazing mother and he couldn't imagine anyone else who could be a better mother to his children, you'd think I would get a warm fuzzy glow. Instead, I got the jolt we all get but somehow I think mine is worse than average, Mother guilt. I wish I were better. I wish, I wish, I wish. Mostly, I wish I measured up to the beautiful cards the kids made and people gave me. I wish I were the greatest mom in the world so those cards would feel like a well deserved accolade and I was finally being given proper appreciation.
Last week was just basically a bust. Nick ran away with Journey on his strider. I ran and screamed and ran and screamed but they were out of earshot and I was just a gasping, fat, pregnant woman standing there with anger and fear competing for the top emotion. In those terrible twenty minutes when he was lost, all I could do was burst into tears, imagining the worst and wondering why in the world God had put another child inside of me. The next day I got a call reminding me to pay a very important bill... How did I forget that? It was three days late! The next day I got an email from Kaitlyn's teacher wondering if I'd forgotten her assessment. Two days later... yes I got a day of respite, my carpool friend called me and wondered if I'd forgotten the kids at school. Oh, yes I had! I can't do it! I really can't. I'm too lazy, too disorganized and too everything for four kids. I say it to friends and they give me an uncomprehending smile. They really don't think it's that big of a deal. They have planners that are completely filled in. They have a laundry system. They have clean bathrooms. This is a part of their daily routine, and yet their lives are a mystery to me. I'm just that simple girl who falls off of the organization wagon, has a complete wipe out and has to create a new resolve on a regular basis.
I kind of wonder sometimes... what if there were a super mom about twenty years older than me, who would come live with me for a month and teach me how to be "The Best Mom in the World". She could put me on a schedule, use a hot shot on me when I sit down to puddle on Craigs List or my blog and lecture me for several hours per day on how to be the proverbial virtuous woman, all while reminding me of the schedule. I wonder if it would create a new mentality for me. I wonder if that would be the key to becoming "The Best Mom in the World."

Another year slides by...

On May 2nd, 2005 I woke up about 7:30AM wondering if I would be pregnant forever or just go into labor someday. At 10:35AM, I was holding a screaming baby girl in my arms who had been named before Christmas, Kaitlyn Belle Allen. It was like I'd always known her. She flew out of me like greased lightning and I had to tell someone to grab her before she banged her head on the floor of the birth tub. It was probably the most defining day of my life as a woman, so I could really go on and on, but today I celebrate six years of knowing and loving Kait, not the anniversary of the day I realized I was superwoman. Just kidding, really.
So, what started out as a blood curdling scream the day she was born has now grown into nonstop chatter...and she has a quip and a sassy remark for everything that comes up. She'll negotiate anything, from changing into her play clothes, to getting candy before dinner. Even after my final answer... I swear I have no idea who she takes after. No, honestly? Every time she pops off, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror at myself 25 years ago and I feel laughter bubbling inside me. I guess there's more to Kait than just that smart mouth though. She's spunky, riding her bike fearlessly and stubborn, holding her position just a little longer than I can stand sometimes, sensitive when she thinks someone is laughing at her and fragile, bursting into tears when someone forgets to pray with her before bed; she's beautiful, taking strangers breath away and thoughtful, making a special breakfast for Jody and me on our anniversary; practical, explaining her reasoning of things to no end and even autocratic at times, demanding that Eden and Nick play exactly what she wants in the way she wants with the characters she wants, and with the lines she wants them to say. But mostly, Kait is loving. She is so kind to her siblings and so helpful to me. I always feel a spirit of love in her. Ginny calls her a "Who" because she has a little "Who" face but underneath I don't think she's quite so gullible and maleable as little "Cindy Lu Who". Her foundation is solid,her faith is unshakable and I foresee a girl who will plow her way through life, with not just a conscience, but a determination to see that truth is upheld. Yes, I'm proud of my little Kaity Kat, but who wouldn't be?