This Sunday our pastor asked that we write down our testimony. How wicked we were before we knew Christ and then when the change came and then how our lives are now. I'm afraid this is going to be a bit outside of the box but give me credit. At least it's true!
I'm on this spiritual journey that kinda hurts, kinda feels good and kinda worries me that maybe I'll just forget what I've learned and wind up back at square one in a couple of years. I think I spent most of my life taking a bit of pride in being willing to square with a person, take my medicine and dish it out... well, mostly I just dished it out with strict measure whether a person liked it or not. I think this was mostly because people were scared to dish it out to me, not because I didn't need some medicine. Then I'd kind of verge into this super annoying perverse pleasure in making people feel very stupid if at all possible. But that wasn't my strongest suit. My strongest suit was sarcasm and knowitallism. I was the queen. I noticed at my wedding that only my guy friends held on to our friendships despite my acrid personality and actually showed up, one even officiating our ceremony. I have no earthly idea why they came but I have to say it really meant something to me that they all made the effort and shared a table and witnessed my rite of passage with smiles on their faces and happily another girl on their arms! LOL! Well, Gin and Di came but they're relatives and they had to because they were my bridesmaids. Oh, oh! I take it back! My sweet Sarah Hunter came! I love her.
Three years ago in February, my life took a huge turn when Gin had finally had it with me. I'd rocked the boat with basically every other member of the family and they had kinda gotten mad then cut me off for awhile, then just shrugged their shoulders, battered and embittered. But Gin had just had it, Mom and Dad's house had burned down and I was pregnant with a baby that I couldn't decide whether to have at home or "shudder" the Mayo Clinic Hosiptal. I was really crazy. I can't believe I actually contemplated that. I even went there for an appointment and tried to get myself to do it. This is a classic example of exactly how crazy some pregnant women get. Somehow, Jody, the one true constant in my life just held me while I cried through this crazy transition in my life, told me with authority that we were having the baby at home (this is so amazing for him to know me so well and love me so well like he did) This emotional drama lasted for about two months. I mean weeping all day and night. Just walking around with a kleenex to my face bursting into sobs as soon as I drank some water and accumulated some tears. It was that season, the one that people talk about that change their lives. It was like I finally saw myself for who I was and felt what God could be to me in spite of it all. Jody lived it to me and I knew I needed it. I knew I was was a wreck and a horridly mean person to countless people. I can't say I received Christ then because I've always known Christ, he's been there speaking to me my whole life. I've argued with Him, fought Him, loved him, spoken to Him and had Him speak to me. I've wrestled with God on every level. It goes back so far it's almost like he was one of my siblings that I argued with all of the time. I'd make my case, sometimes he'd throw down and give me an ultimatum and I'd take the recommended path or sometimes, I'd say NO, I'm going this way and I mean it! I have specific instances running through my mind but they probably would be a total rabbit trail here. So anyway, there was this breaking point where all of my walls came crashing down. I was alone except for Jody and God. I had my parents but they were going through a major crisis and thankfully I somehow realized that I did not need to be laying all of that on them. I started making a concerted effort to be more thoughtful of the people in my life who really mean something to me and felt remorse when I started fights etc... I was growing, mainly just with Jody and Gin, but it was there. I noticed that with every new relationship I started, I treated people differently than I had when I was younger and that I was careful not to replicate old behaviors but with old relationships it was the hardest. Anway, there was a true awareness of other peoples feelings and my motives in all of my millions of "confrontations" I had started were becoming painfully clear and I was learning the "Spirit of the Law" as my mom has always said. Then the 2008 elections came and I have to say that everything kinda went out the window. Now this is a perfect example of why I'm hoping I've really had an epiphany but kinda fearful that my old stubborn streak will win out (that's the SIN that Cain wrestled with and God so kindly pointed out that he could BEAT it if he TRIED). So yeah, the 2008 elections were very much a struggle, and I have to admit, a weak spot in my character, yes, I guess if anybody wonders if God can love them, they can read this and know that for sure, if that girl lives with the confidence that God will patiently love her through her "ELECTION FEVER", and forgive her for her hot headed, bull headed, stubborn craziness and then forgive her when she repents... then yeah, He really can love me too. Alright, so that little test of my character was, pretty ugly and I probably wrecked my witness to more than one person because I completely cast aside the whole "love motive" thing and somehow thought that I could convince people to agree with me by hysterically screaming at them, on the verge of tears over their blindness... oh ish, I hope this little confession helps some other poor sinner like me and encourages them in that weird reverse sort of way without totally distracting them from the point of this story. So you're seeing my very winding, path here... oh maybe it's "the one less traveled" right? Nah, I don't think so, nice thought contrary corner of brain that presents late at night, but no, it was the easy self indulgent path that likes strife and arguments and creating chaos and division, the one that leads people far far away from God and certainly not to Him. It was that path. So, I slowly worked out of the election cycle and have survived the current president with a small amount of grace... am I giving myself too much credit? Well maybe I'm doing reverse psycology on msyelf. Work with me here. You know you aren't supposed to judge me! And then conflict seemed to come from every corner but I wasn't creating it anymore. I suddenly realized that I was NOT the only person with that disease and they were totally RAINING on my parade every day. Three days ago I actually confided to Gin that I am completely SURE that there is a secret meeting being held. It is the "Betsy hasn't been shit on today" meeting. And they go around entertaining volunteers and let them present their "Shit on Betsy" plan and then select the very best one. So it really hurts, like wow! "That was a CHRISTIAN God!!!!!" And in our usual relationship fashion he looks at me incredulously and says "So are you!" So that's my testimony. I was supposed to share the life changing moment and how it's been such a glory day ever since I gave my heart to Jesus but, well, as you can see, all I've done is a disertation on shit. But I can't think of any other word to describe how it feels when people hurt you and that's my message. I really wish I were just allowed to be eternally happy but the fact is I've hurt alot of people and shit on them, and sometimes I get hurt and shit on too, but I guess that's what Love showers are for. So thanks to my bud Jen for finally talking me into joining a Bible Study for the first time in my adult life and encouraging me to grow, and believing I am a good friend to have and loving me and mostly just not shitting on me. Thanks to Knelly for being such a great friend. And thanks to my parents for the foundation that has held me through many a shit storm in the last three years. Thanks to my sister Gin for being the best sister a girl could have. A huge thanks to my Love for living Jesus for me every day of our marriage, tempering my words when they need tempering and making me happy even on the days I've been shit on. Thanks most of all to Jesus for helping me keep it real and loving me in my wicked state.
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