This Sunday our pastor asked that we write down our testimony. How wicked we were before we knew Christ and then when the change came and then how our lives are now. I'm afraid this is going to be a bit outside of the box but give me credit. At least it's true!
I'm on this spiritual journey that kinda hurts, kinda feels good and kinda worries me that maybe I'll just forget what I've learned and wind up back at square one in a couple of years. I think I spent most of my life taking a bit of pride in being willing to square with a person, take my medicine and dish it out... well, mostly I just dished it out with strict measure whether a person liked it or not. I think this was mostly because people were scared to dish it out to me, not because I didn't need some medicine. Then I'd kind of verge into this super annoying perverse pleasure in making people feel very stupid if at all possible. But that wasn't my strongest suit. My strongest suit was sarcasm and knowitallism. I was the queen. I noticed at my wedding that only my guy friends held on to our friendships despite my acrid personality and actually showed up, one even officiating our ceremony. I have no earthly idea why they came but I have to say it really meant something to me that they all made the effort and shared a table and witnessed my rite of passage with smiles on their faces and happily another girl on their arms! LOL! Well, Gin and Di came but they're relatives and they had to because they were my bridesmaids. Oh, oh! I take it back! My sweet Sarah Hunter came! I love her.
Three years ago in February, my life took a huge turn when Gin had finally had it with me. I'd rocked the boat with basically every other member of the family and they had kinda gotten mad then cut me off for awhile, then just shrugged their shoulders, battered and embittered. But Gin had just had it, Mom and Dad's house had burned down and I was pregnant with a baby that I couldn't decide whether to have at home or "shudder" the Mayo Clinic Hosiptal. I was really crazy. I can't believe I actually contemplated that. I even went there for an appointment and tried to get myself to do it. This is a classic example of exactly how crazy some pregnant women get. Somehow, Jody, the one true constant in my life just held me while I cried through this crazy transition in my life, told me with authority that we were having the baby at home (this is so amazing for him to know me so well and love me so well like he did) This emotional drama lasted for about two months. I mean weeping all day and night. Just walking around with a kleenex to my face bursting into sobs as soon as I drank some water and accumulated some tears. It was that season, the one that people talk about that change their lives. It was like I finally saw myself for who I was and felt what God could be to me in spite of it all. Jody lived it to me and I knew I needed it. I knew I was was a wreck and a horridly mean person to countless people. I can't say I received Christ then because I've always known Christ, he's been there speaking to me my whole life. I've argued with Him, fought Him, loved him, spoken to Him and had Him speak to me. I've wrestled with God on every level. It goes back so far it's almost like he was one of my siblings that I argued with all of the time. I'd make my case, sometimes he'd throw down and give me an ultimatum and I'd take the recommended path or sometimes, I'd say NO, I'm going this way and I mean it! I have specific instances running through my mind but they probably would be a total rabbit trail here. So anyway, there was this breaking point where all of my walls came crashing down. I was alone except for Jody and God. I had my parents but they were going through a major crisis and thankfully I somehow realized that I did not need to be laying all of that on them. I started making a concerted effort to be more thoughtful of the people in my life who really mean something to me and felt remorse when I started fights etc... I was growing, mainly just with Jody and Gin, but it was there. I noticed that with every new relationship I started, I treated people differently than I had when I was younger and that I was careful not to replicate old behaviors but with old relationships it was the hardest. Anway, there was a true awareness of other peoples feelings and my motives in all of my millions of "confrontations" I had started were becoming painfully clear and I was learning the "Spirit of the Law" as my mom has always said. Then the 2008 elections came and I have to say that everything kinda went out the window. Now this is a perfect example of why I'm hoping I've really had an epiphany but kinda fearful that my old stubborn streak will win out (that's the SIN that Cain wrestled with and God so kindly pointed out that he could BEAT it if he TRIED). So yeah, the 2008 elections were very much a struggle, and I have to admit, a weak spot in my character, yes, I guess if anybody wonders if God can love them, they can read this and know that for sure, if that girl lives with the confidence that God will patiently love her through her "ELECTION FEVER", and forgive her for her hot headed, bull headed, stubborn craziness and then forgive her when she repents... then yeah, He really can love me too. Alright, so that little test of my character was, pretty ugly and I probably wrecked my witness to more than one person because I completely cast aside the whole "love motive" thing and somehow thought that I could convince people to agree with me by hysterically screaming at them, on the verge of tears over their blindness... oh ish, I hope this little confession helps some other poor sinner like me and encourages them in that weird reverse sort of way without totally distracting them from the point of this story. So you're seeing my very winding, path here... oh maybe it's "the one less traveled" right? Nah, I don't think so, nice thought contrary corner of brain that presents late at night, but no, it was the easy self indulgent path that likes strife and arguments and creating chaos and division, the one that leads people far far away from God and certainly not to Him. It was that path. So, I slowly worked out of the election cycle and have survived the current president with a small amount of grace... am I giving myself too much credit? Well maybe I'm doing reverse psycology on msyelf. Work with me here. You know you aren't supposed to judge me! And then conflict seemed to come from every corner but I wasn't creating it anymore. I suddenly realized that I was NOT the only person with that disease and they were totally RAINING on my parade every day. Three days ago I actually confided to Gin that I am completely SURE that there is a secret meeting being held. It is the "Betsy hasn't been shit on today" meeting. And they go around entertaining volunteers and let them present their "Shit on Betsy" plan and then select the very best one. So it really hurts, like wow! "That was a CHRISTIAN God!!!!!" And in our usual relationship fashion he looks at me incredulously and says "So are you!" So that's my testimony. I was supposed to share the life changing moment and how it's been such a glory day ever since I gave my heart to Jesus but, well, as you can see, all I've done is a disertation on shit. But I can't think of any other word to describe how it feels when people hurt you and that's my message. I really wish I were just allowed to be eternally happy but the fact is I've hurt alot of people and shit on them, and sometimes I get hurt and shit on too, but I guess that's what Love showers are for. So thanks to my bud Jen for finally talking me into joining a Bible Study for the first time in my adult life and encouraging me to grow, and believing I am a good friend to have and loving me and mostly just not shitting on me. Thanks to Knelly for being such a great friend. And thanks to my parents for the foundation that has held me through many a shit storm in the last three years. Thanks to my sister Gin for being the best sister a girl could have. A huge thanks to my Love for living Jesus for me every day of our marriage, tempering my words when they need tempering and making me happy even on the days I've been shit on. Thanks most of all to Jesus for helping me keep it real and loving me in my wicked state.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Do you believe in magic?
I do. I believe in God's magic anyway.
I woke up on Sunday morning with the worst vertigo. I looked at the empty spot in the bed where Jody should have been and knew he had drug himself into work to get a project out by a deadline (insert the music with those words "all by myself, don't wanna be... all by myself"). I've had a middle ear infection before but I knew this was from my severe allergies. I've been blowing my nose like a cartoon character lately. I stood in the shower with my entire back pressed against the wall with the world reeling. I had to go pick Eden up from a sleepover. I drug Kait and Nick out to the car and drove with my teeth gritted. We picked Eden up who was incredibly groggy and grouchy from staying up too late. I drove back home to feed everyone some food. I had to focus every step I took, and then Nick had a fit. He shoved his cereal bowl across the table and milk and cheerios slopped out. I told him to "EAT!" so he started grabbing individual cheerios out and throwing them backwards over his shoulder. I transported him to his room to think about his actions and collapsed on the couch. I told Kait I just didn't have it in me to take them to church. She told me that would be fine, she just needed my phone so she could call Daddy because she was sure he would understand and come home and take her to church. I was in full throttle "victim" mode so I told her if she was going to be like that I would take them to church. I went upstairs and retrieved Nick. I made it to the van again by sheer grit while yelling at all of my children for various transgressions. My neighbor Peter was in his yard and cheerfully greeted me. He's a self proclaimed agnostic so I always try to consider it my special job to be "Christs Love" to him. I greeted him with gritted teeth and told him I was going to have to do a lot of repenting for the number of sins I'd committed against my children in my effort to get them to church. He found that quite amusing and made a witty remark, sending me off wondering which of us was living a better example for the other. We were about 15 minutes late for Rush Hour but that's kind of an Allen family tradition so it was cool. I reeled into the building, clung to the chair in front of me and the message was on "responsibility". Well, I knew for sure Eden needed to hear that so I got my chin up. We are not going to open up for examination whether I needed to hear about that myself. Somehow I survived the bobbing happy people on the stage and got all of the children to their classes for the first time in my life. Jody always takes two and leaves me one. I was really missing him. I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible while clinging to railings and trying not to think about throwing up. I'd now been trying to function normally for about 3 hours give or take and it was starting to take it's toll. I went past the door where I knew my van was parked and I'd be lying if I didn't confess that running away crossed my mind. I sat down in the sanctuary. I wasn't even bothering to stand when they said stand, clap when they said clap or bow when they said bow. I just sat in the pew with my back pressed against the wood trying to be as still as possible. The sermon was fantastic as usual. I can always count on Pastor Alan to convict me, uplift me and motivate me. We continued to study how to be more Christ like from the gospel of Luke and I had found myself skipping around finding all of these examples of how much God loves me and even the comparison where Jesus asked how much more God must love his children than a parent loves their own. I thought about how much I love Eden, Kait and Nick. Most of my time is spent on them, making their lives as great as I can. Then I think Pastor Alan read "Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Or maybe I just thought about it. Anyway, I was kind of thinking about how to delight myself in the Lord and as we took communion I sat there telling God that I really wanted to bring the girls to Childrens Choir because I want them to have more of His Word hidden in their hearts but I needed him to give me the push he'd given me that morning. Then I thought again about how much He loved me. I told Him that I had no doubt of his ability to heal me of the vertigo and that I would really love to be healed but I needed His help one way or another. I took communion and felt peaceful. Then Jesus did his magic on me and the vertigo went away. I took the kids to Children's Choir and felt so completely happy.
I woke up on Sunday morning with the worst vertigo. I looked at the empty spot in the bed where Jody should have been and knew he had drug himself into work to get a project out by a deadline (insert the music with those words "all by myself, don't wanna be... all by myself"). I've had a middle ear infection before but I knew this was from my severe allergies. I've been blowing my nose like a cartoon character lately. I stood in the shower with my entire back pressed against the wall with the world reeling. I had to go pick Eden up from a sleepover. I drug Kait and Nick out to the car and drove with my teeth gritted. We picked Eden up who was incredibly groggy and grouchy from staying up too late. I drove back home to feed everyone some food. I had to focus every step I took, and then Nick had a fit. He shoved his cereal bowl across the table and milk and cheerios slopped out. I told him to "EAT!" so he started grabbing individual cheerios out and throwing them backwards over his shoulder. I transported him to his room to think about his actions and collapsed on the couch. I told Kait I just didn't have it in me to take them to church. She told me that would be fine, she just needed my phone so she could call Daddy because she was sure he would understand and come home and take her to church. I was in full throttle "victim" mode so I told her if she was going to be like that I would take them to church. I went upstairs and retrieved Nick. I made it to the van again by sheer grit while yelling at all of my children for various transgressions. My neighbor Peter was in his yard and cheerfully greeted me. He's a self proclaimed agnostic so I always try to consider it my special job to be "Christs Love" to him. I greeted him with gritted teeth and told him I was going to have to do a lot of repenting for the number of sins I'd committed against my children in my effort to get them to church. He found that quite amusing and made a witty remark, sending me off wondering which of us was living a better example for the other. We were about 15 minutes late for Rush Hour but that's kind of an Allen family tradition so it was cool. I reeled into the building, clung to the chair in front of me and the message was on "responsibility". Well, I knew for sure Eden needed to hear that so I got my chin up. We are not going to open up for examination whether I needed to hear about that myself. Somehow I survived the bobbing happy people on the stage and got all of the children to their classes for the first time in my life. Jody always takes two and leaves me one. I was really missing him. I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible while clinging to railings and trying not to think about throwing up. I'd now been trying to function normally for about 3 hours give or take and it was starting to take it's toll. I went past the door where I knew my van was parked and I'd be lying if I didn't confess that running away crossed my mind. I sat down in the sanctuary. I wasn't even bothering to stand when they said stand, clap when they said clap or bow when they said bow. I just sat in the pew with my back pressed against the wood trying to be as still as possible. The sermon was fantastic as usual. I can always count on Pastor Alan to convict me, uplift me and motivate me. We continued to study how to be more Christ like from the gospel of Luke and I had found myself skipping around finding all of these examples of how much God loves me and even the comparison where Jesus asked how much more God must love his children than a parent loves their own. I thought about how much I love Eden, Kait and Nick. Most of my time is spent on them, making their lives as great as I can. Then I think Pastor Alan read "Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Or maybe I just thought about it. Anyway, I was kind of thinking about how to delight myself in the Lord and as we took communion I sat there telling God that I really wanted to bring the girls to Childrens Choir because I want them to have more of His Word hidden in their hearts but I needed him to give me the push he'd given me that morning. Then I thought again about how much He loved me. I told Him that I had no doubt of his ability to heal me of the vertigo and that I would really love to be healed but I needed His help one way or another. I took communion and felt peaceful. Then Jesus did his magic on me and the vertigo went away. I took the kids to Children's Choir and felt so completely happy.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
wah wah wah!
Can I have a wah wah post? Why, yes, of course I can have a wah wah post, this is my blog!
I will say that for the most part, we had a good day and I'm a happy person and I'm not just a big meanie but at about... eh 4PM things kinda started to slide downhill.
Eden has had a rash on her face for two months or more... I took her to the doc before school and she told me to put antibiotic ointment on it. Yep, took my $20. Didn't work, so she said to put cortisone cream on it. Didn't work. Said I had to see a specialist! What? That's all a doctor can do? Suggest that you wander around a pharmacy grabbing random creams and smearing them around on your kids face while the damn rash grows? So today we got our appointment with the specialist and I had to pay $50. She came in, smiled at Eden, told me it was some kind of dermatitis and gave me a prescription. For real? I had to pay $50 for that? How annoying! Then she turns on me and gets this expression of horror and disgust and says "What is going ON with your NOSE?" I took it pretty easily and said, "yeah, I'm starting to wonder the same thing as I look at your giant chart of skin cancer." She quizzed me on the growth of my nose mole and I honestly couldn't give her an informative answer. I have no idea if my mole has changed. It's just not too high on my priority list. I mean I stare at my eyebrows that aren't plucked, not the same ugly old mole that's always been on my nose! She sent me into a tizzy. I said "do you think it's cancer????" She said "well, it certainly needs to be biopsied, it's VERY unusual!" She, of course has no idea what I've been through with cancer lately. I drove home ran straight to Theresa's house and laid on her couch having a fit of hysterics. Well, mainly just hypothesizing the worst case scenario which I equate with hysterics in retrospect. This was completely inappropriate behavior as I am quite sure Theresa has enough on her plate. Meanwhile, the kids are just kind of wandering between her house and mine while I pay very little attention. Finally, either I pulled myself together or Theresa pulled me together and I announced that my brood was going to evacuate and make her home a sanctuary again. I walked up on my porch and the door was locked. Eden told me that Kait had locked it. No problem, I went and hit the garage door opener. I walked into the garage and the door to the house from the garage was locked. I pulled out my keys and low and behold I'd never put it back on the key ring after leaving it with Theresa while we went to Yellowstone. I walked around the side of the house and Kait was trying to open the window to the basement. I uttered some bitter words to her and headed up the stairs to the deck. I grabbed the sliding glass door and it was locked. I looked up at my bedroom window on the third floor and it was open with the curtain fluttering in the breeze. I went down and got the ladder while phoning to Jody to bitterly account to him the situation. I wrestled it up the steps while the new neighbor kindly offered to help in some way. I grouchily told him I was fine and gave Kait another scathing look. I wrestled it up the stairs of the deck and the man decided to just jump over the fence and help me all the same. We wrestled it around on the deck, admitting we should have adjusted it in the yard and not on the tiny deck but we finally got it to a workable height and I scaled it while Theresa stood out on her giant boat dock... I mean deck and made exclamations. I announced that I needed a dinner knife or a flat head screwdriver which she promptly procured and I popped the screen open and crawled through. There was an applause from the deck and I went downstairs and opened the sliding glass door. By this time I was very sweaty and hot. Jody called to ask why I hadn't used the garage door opener... ugh! Re-explained the situation to him and he said he'd be home after 7... triple ugh! I came inside and Mom called. I really did wish she were here to massage me but alas, I still had to torture Eden through her homework and make dinner. I ran back outside and started the grill and ran in circles looking for a part for the food processor so I could slice potatoes for oven fries. I finally gave up and hand chopped them. I found it about 30 minutes later on the filing cabinet. I wish my brain had all of the connections. I hadn't even remembered it being in my possession. Somehow it came together nicely and we had burgers, oven fries and asparagus for dinner. The girls are in bed now but I am having to delete about every third letter because the little guy is torturing me by sneaking over and typing a random letter or number here and there. I'll give him a minute...
et5555ytttttttttttttttttuyo'[sjktjgrmntfhyrfhdyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I will say that for the most part, we had a good day and I'm a happy person and I'm not just a big meanie but at about... eh 4PM things kinda started to slide downhill.
Eden has had a rash on her face for two months or more... I took her to the doc before school and she told me to put antibiotic ointment on it. Yep, took my $20. Didn't work, so she said to put cortisone cream on it. Didn't work. Said I had to see a specialist! What? That's all a doctor can do? Suggest that you wander around a pharmacy grabbing random creams and smearing them around on your kids face while the damn rash grows? So today we got our appointment with the specialist and I had to pay $50. She came in, smiled at Eden, told me it was some kind of dermatitis and gave me a prescription. For real? I had to pay $50 for that? How annoying! Then she turns on me and gets this expression of horror and disgust and says "What is going ON with your NOSE?" I took it pretty easily and said, "yeah, I'm starting to wonder the same thing as I look at your giant chart of skin cancer." She quizzed me on the growth of my nose mole and I honestly couldn't give her an informative answer. I have no idea if my mole has changed. It's just not too high on my priority list. I mean I stare at my eyebrows that aren't plucked, not the same ugly old mole that's always been on my nose! She sent me into a tizzy. I said "do you think it's cancer????" She said "well, it certainly needs to be biopsied, it's VERY unusual!" She, of course has no idea what I've been through with cancer lately. I drove home ran straight to Theresa's house and laid on her couch having a fit of hysterics. Well, mainly just hypothesizing the worst case scenario which I equate with hysterics in retrospect. This was completely inappropriate behavior as I am quite sure Theresa has enough on her plate. Meanwhile, the kids are just kind of wandering between her house and mine while I pay very little attention. Finally, either I pulled myself together or Theresa pulled me together and I announced that my brood was going to evacuate and make her home a sanctuary again. I walked up on my porch and the door was locked. Eden told me that Kait had locked it. No problem, I went and hit the garage door opener. I walked into the garage and the door to the house from the garage was locked. I pulled out my keys and low and behold I'd never put it back on the key ring after leaving it with Theresa while we went to Yellowstone. I walked around the side of the house and Kait was trying to open the window to the basement. I uttered some bitter words to her and headed up the stairs to the deck. I grabbed the sliding glass door and it was locked. I looked up at my bedroom window on the third floor and it was open with the curtain fluttering in the breeze. I went down and got the ladder while phoning to Jody to bitterly account to him the situation. I wrestled it up the steps while the new neighbor kindly offered to help in some way. I grouchily told him I was fine and gave Kait another scathing look. I wrestled it up the stairs of the deck and the man decided to just jump over the fence and help me all the same. We wrestled it around on the deck, admitting we should have adjusted it in the yard and not on the tiny deck but we finally got it to a workable height and I scaled it while Theresa stood out on her giant boat dock... I mean deck and made exclamations. I announced that I needed a dinner knife or a flat head screwdriver which she promptly procured and I popped the screen open and crawled through. There was an applause from the deck and I went downstairs and opened the sliding glass door. By this time I was very sweaty and hot. Jody called to ask why I hadn't used the garage door opener... ugh! Re-explained the situation to him and he said he'd be home after 7... triple ugh! I came inside and Mom called. I really did wish she were here to massage me but alas, I still had to torture Eden through her homework and make dinner. I ran back outside and started the grill and ran in circles looking for a part for the food processor so I could slice potatoes for oven fries. I finally gave up and hand chopped them. I found it about 30 minutes later on the filing cabinet. I wish my brain had all of the connections. I hadn't even remembered it being in my possession. Somehow it came together nicely and we had burgers, oven fries and asparagus for dinner. The girls are in bed now but I am having to delete about every third letter because the little guy is torturing me by sneaking over and typing a random letter or number here and there. I'll give him a minute...
et5555ytttttttttttttttttuyo'[sjktjgrmntfhyrfhdyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Monday, September 6, 2010
September nostalgia
I really don't think there's anyone who doesn't start to get nostalgic this time of year. You feel the crisp air, you know that another summer has slipped away and somehow you just can't help slipping back to another fall that changed your life or just felt the same in some way. We sat at Golden Ponds feeding the ducks stale bread today and somehow I traveled back to the trailing end of farmers market in Mantorville when we lived in Kasson. The kids played at the park while I junk shopped, got some random preserves or squash from the vendors and let the old ladies oogle Nick in a sling. It was so calm. I always felt so relaxed at that park just like today as I tried to toss my stale bread pieces to the furthest duck and for once just sat and stared at what the ducks looked like instead of my kids. Most of the time I'm watching them to try and memorize their movements, their expressions, their size, their mispronunciations, their new skills or their unaware adorableness. I'm glad I spend most of my time doing that but there is something very relaxing about staring at a ducks face and thinking he has a joker smile or discussing which one everyone thinks is the prettiest. It's just free.
The sermon this week at church was on kindness. He preached from Luke 4 and even read the verse where Jesus tells us to pray for those who hurt you. It hit me deep. I was hurt by someone recently and to be called so specifically to pray for them was good but intense. I walked out of that service with a renewed determination to show kindness to people. I've found several opportunities to show kindness to people who are very different from me which I did purposefully and it seems like I just enjoy being kind to people more when I do it with such purpose but I don't know why.
The sermon this week at church was on kindness. He preached from Luke 4 and even read the verse where Jesus tells us to pray for those who hurt you. It hit me deep. I was hurt by someone recently and to be called so specifically to pray for them was good but intense. I walked out of that service with a renewed determination to show kindness to people. I've found several opportunities to show kindness to people who are very different from me which I did purposefully and it seems like I just enjoy being kind to people more when I do it with such purpose but I don't know why.
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