Eden Shea

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face like rushing rivers. It is so disappointing that I dissolved into a puddle because now I'll have a headache and it will last all day tomorrow unless I take drugs and I don't want to but to be honest, I'm just trying to make this all about me so I won't think about Eden. My sweet sweet Eden. My angel girl. My pumpkin doodle. My little Kindergartener. I don't want to let her go. She's going to have so much fun, but I won't be there for it. I'll miss it all and she won't remember to tell me a quarter of it. I love her so much and I laid in bed picturing the day she was born, so tiny, so perfect, how cute and chubby she was as a one year old, wrecking mischeif with the dogfood bowl, how adorable when she turned two and I could finally snag enough of her hair together for pigtails, how she greeted the new life of her sister with reverence and joy, how infuriating at three coloring on every surface of our house but then turning thos beguiling eyes on me and melting me into a puddle and riding her trike like the wind, and four, oh four was so neat, she got her bike, she got a baby brother, she had a best friend next door and life was so good. Now five is almost over and I feel like this year was lost. Too much time wasted, moving and trying to make ends meet. I'm grateful to have had it so easy for so much of her childhood but five was really just stolen from me. Well, I sold it for worry I guess. What a terrible trade. I vow that six will be golden. I'll live it like no other year with her. We'll make the best memories and even though I'll miss three hours of her day to school, I'll live the rest like I should and maybe I'll even try to savor the time alone with Nick and Kait, they never had that with me like Eden did. Sometimes I think I should make this a journal instead of a blog. Maybe I shouldn't lay all of my emotions out there for everyone under the sun to read and criticize. At any rate, my heart feels broken and I can't sleep. Tomorrow, my angel baby will take her first step from my nest and it hurts. People tell me they felt the same but I just can't believe it. It's way worse than anyone said and I wonder if I'm a drama queen, too attached, or what but I have no answer and sometimes it seems like the more I cry, the sadder I get instead of the sadder I get, the more I cry. Matter of fact, I have no idea which is causing the other and I don't think it would make me feel better to know anyway.

Is this the best we can do?

A recent visitor to our home made the same observation that pretty much everyone seems to be regarding the impending election. I'll do a quick summary of my perceptions of two candidates that I have no intention of voting for. I don't know who I will vote for, but it will NOT be one of these two. I violated my principles and voted for Bush and it did nothing but create a masterful mess.
Obama. A charasmatic empty windbag. I hear him chanting the same thing over and over and there is NO substance to his message. I dug a little deeper on him and found nothing I believe in and no changes that I want that man to make in this wonderful country. Primarily, he is pro-partial birth abortion. This is huge. For anyone that only knows "partial birth abortion" as a phrase and has no real idea what it is, it is the biggest atrocity of our nation. People in white coats, induce labor on a woman who is pregant with a baby that can survive and deliver everything but the head of this wonderful living human being, then they stab the baby in the back of the head with a pair of scissors and remove the brain. Then they deliver the poor lifeless child and throw it away. Yes, Obama's voting record shows that he believes in this. I could stop right there and ask everyone how they could in all conscience vote for such an animal. As a matter of fact, I will stop because I'm already very ill. Suffice it to say, this man has no principles or morals and I cannot vote for him.
McCain. A wolf in sheeps clothing. He is a liberal disguised as a conservative with one foot in the grave to boot. His affilliations and adgenda's are so far removed from the true conservative position that I don't know where to start. I have no idea what he is even doing running on the Republican ticket. All I do know is that conservatives really need to wake up and take a stand for what is right. We need to demand more from these political phony's and we need to rethink our priorities as conservatives. Restructuring a few things in our party would make us much more appealing to the swing voters like increasing our presence on the scene of "conservation of the earth." If we really took issues like "healthcare"by the head and called it the money machine that it is it would be a tremendous start. I have a few analogies. Kearney got a hematoma on her ear. We don't have pet insurance which is just as much of a scam as any other kind of insurance so I called every vet in Longmont until I found one that would do the surgery she needed at a price I could "afford" to pay. Interestingly, she was several hundred dollars cheaper than the others and used a simpler surgery that is proven to be just as effective as the expensive surgery used by other vets. If we treated all healthcare in this way, the competition would drive down the price. It works anywhere. It works in any town or countryside. If people want your business, make them work for it. You worked hard to earn that money, don't give it away lightly. Secondly, stop buying new stuff and stop buying stuff made in China. Come on people, what do you think is causing all of the problems with the job market? We've moved everything over to China and Mexico and nobody has jobs anymore. We're paying poor children in China a pittance to make a bunch of junk that we don't need and then we fill up our houses with it. Just stop. Go to the thrift store or Craigslist or Freecycle when you need something. It might take a week or so to come across it but you'll save a fortune and feel better about yourself for it. We have become ridiculously greedy for all things shiny and new, and the wastefulness of our world is so depressing. We're a single income family, with a huge mortgage and a huge rent to pay every month. I have become quite good at the above mentioned practices. I acquired a 55 gallon fish tank and stand for free the other day to put the coveted turtle in, come October when Eden turns 6. We had to clean it and fix it up but it's alot better than paying $400 for a tank and stand made in China from Petco. By using a little ingenuity, I am able to help Jody supplement our income. I go to storage auctions and buy units and sell the contents on Ebay. I've made over $1200 this way so far and I've only been doing it since May. That's over half of our grocery bill each month. More later, Nick beckons.

This is the song that does not end...

Anybody know that song? I feel like that song is about the house we own in Kasson. We have had more deals fall through than I ever thought I could imagine. It's almost mathematically impossible. What in the world? We have had two people try to buy it, innumerable people go through it and say they want to rent it and yet every time we're right on the tip of a deal, the people magically disappear. They don't return phone calls or emails. They just disappear. It's incredible. This week I actually went throught the entire screening process on a couple. They said they wanted to rent it and then save up and buy it. They LOVED it. I had the whole application to the last step. All they had to do was log into their email, fill out an authorization form for me to have a credit check done and send me the security deposit. They disappeared. Can you even believe it? I spent all of this time and money to get them in this house that they loved and then they just randomly stopped returning my phone calls and emails. How hard is it to just reply one time and say "sorry, we found something else" or "sorry, we changed our minds." For the love of Mike!
This past weekend Grandma and Grandpa Barry came to visit. The girls were in heaven and Nick was always ready to put on a show for them. We had a great visit. There was much shopping for school clothes etc... and playing and watching of the Olympics. Overall, the kids didn't want it to end and I don't think their grandparents did either. It always gives me a little pang of guilt that we moved away.
Today I was making dinner and turned around and there was Nick, who I had taken the clothes off of due to a snack mishap and he had a pitcher and was stuffing his diaper in it. I did a double take and realized the little imp had actually taken his diaper off and was busy trying to hide it... or maybe just playing with it but the fact remains, the child removed his diaper and put it in a pitcher in the kitchen cabinet. Does anyone else confess to their toddlers sanitary infractions?
Tonight Eden got the extra long cuddle. Finally after a long silence, she asked me to tell her all about Kindergarten again because she was worried. We've gotten every Kindergarten book the Library has to offer, so maybe I've overdone the preparation. I don't know. I listed off everything I could remember doing in Kindergarten and I just wanted to cry. I don't really know why it's so hard to let your kids grow up or what the hesitation is. They drive us crazy, push us to our limits, use all of our time, money, energy and patience and we just want them to stay little. It's like an oxymoron. Everywhere I go, people watch me puddle my way along and stop me to tell me how badly they miss those days. I'm usually incredulous. What do they miss? Planning your whole day around a nap that may or may not happen? Peeling dried milk off of the car seats? Realizing somebody is missing a shoe and it might have been lost in one of the last four stores you were in? Going to more public restrooms with greater frequency than you ever dreamed of prior to children? Stopping for the free kids cookies at the bakery counter, remembering the time when there was no reason on earth to deny yourself a hazelnut latte? Being so overwhelmed with the logistics of having children that you forget to enjoy their youth more often than not? Ah, those dreamy people at Target don't really miss that stuff, they don't even remember it. They miss the kisses, the "I want you Mommy", the drooly smiles, the belly laughs, the simple love and devotion, the fact that they're needed so deeply and nobody else will do. They miss the funny sayings, the cuddles, the firsts, the lasts... oh man it already feels like it's over. Having that last baby is tough. I guess no matter how many kids you go for, the last one is tough. I'm happy though. I feel blessed beyond words, and purely content with the family God has given me and the home we have to live in. To hell with all of the worries over the house in Kasson. If it never sells, we'll still have everything we could need and we'll still have these great memories to carry us into our old age.
The question of the day. Do I buy a vacuum on Craigslist for $20 that may have seen any amount of abuse or buy the Consumer Reports one for $79? Input please. Mind you, I can't afford either but my fear is buying the one for $20 only to discover it doesn't work and then have to buy either another $20 one or the recommended one at the store. A real quandary.

Haircuts and a morning in the life of ME!!!

Look at my two baby dolls. Are they just the cutest things in the world or what? Well, actually Eden looks more grown up than ever. School starts in three weeks. I can't believe I'm a mom let alone that I have one old enough to go to school.

Life continues to fly along at a dizzying pace. I'm blogging just a single solitary morning for all of the people who have never experienced it or for those who have forgotten. It goes something like this:

Nick screamed at 6AM. I scaled 4 flights of stairs in record time. It's 47 steps from my bed to his bed. I scooped the angry catamount into my arms and decended at a more leisurely pace. We cuddled for about an hour, he nursed, we dozed for about an hour and then we laughed at each other and finally rose from bed a little after 8. I checked my email to find that someone was ready to buy the couch, chair and ottoman that I purchased at a storage auction last week. I called her, she said she'd be by in about an hour. I turned around and all of the cake pans I own had been removed from the kitchen cabinets by all three children. I shrugged and made tea. Everyone wanted a different breakfast. Big suprise. I made tea, spent about 30 minutes on the phone with my sister musing over all of the divorces going on and doing a quick summary of what would fix the world, all with the phone on the charger beside the stove. By that time I'd consumed 2 cups and felt ready to attack the library that the kids brought home yesterday. We sat down and read three very nice books, a small dent in the 60 pounds of books now scattered amongst the cake pans. I sneaked downstairs to check my email and found an interesting article from Jody and took just a LITTLE too long reading. Soon, the siren (Kaitlyn) went off in a deafening "MOMMY WAAA MOMMY WAAA" cadence. I bolted up the stairs to get the scoop. Kaitlyn wouldn't share her stroller with Nick, so Eden spanked her. Typical middle child and typical first child. I announced that since they were both being so ridiculous they could wait for tomorrow to read any more books. Eden was crushed. She had picked out a wonderful Valentine's Day book that she was dying to have me read. Yes, odd... much like the rest of the pile. I even spied "Charile Brown's Christmas" in that heap. I will refresh your now muddled mind, yes it really is August. Eden had decided to share her nutrigrain bar with Nick and he had made nice little blackberry sticky spots all over the place... amongst the books and cake pans. I scooped up the now confiscated books and commanded the children to put all of the cake pans away. The clock was ticking. The lady would be here any minute and I needed to get outside and drag all of that furniture out of the trailer and have it ready for viewing. I ran out, drug all of the furniture out and in the process all of my children, still in jommies came trailing out front. I'm pretty sure we're considered the neighborhood hillbillies, with my peculiar storage auction finds getting scatterd on the lawn and the children running around half dressed and barefoot. The lady pulled up in her Lexus SUV and thought the furniture was perfect for her daughter in College and paid me on the spot. Whew, sigh of relief. They left and I cranked up everything a notch. I ran out back and picked up dog poop. I told Kait she only had to change her pants three times to no avail. Got Nick changed and dressed, discovered a foul odor coming from under my arms after jockeying all of that furniture around, and hollered "everyone put on shoes" at least thirty times. I changed shirts, reapplied my pathetic deodorant that I'm not allergic to, and found Eden had actually put on her shoes and brushed her hair!!! Score! Five year olds are great! I ran upstairs, got Kait some pants, ran all the way downstairs and got her flip flops, buckled Nick in his carseat and realized I desperately needed to pee. I ran in, took care of that, got back out to the car with the brush in hand and told Kait to brush all the way there, and off we went. We got to the Humane Society just fine, ran in to get a refund on the Rabies Voucher that the vet had not accepted and was told that Jody had to do it because he paid with his credit card, or they could mail me a check in a few days. The kids had to see the entire facility and speculate on the origins of every dog, cat and rabbit with Nick just doing that adorable audible breathing because he was so excited. We got out of there, drove across the street and hopped on golf cart for a tour of a storage facility. It was a sealed bid auction so the kind lady took us to door number one. An old beat up table, boxes and boxes of what looked like craft supplies and two cat carriers... nah. Door number two! More trash than anyone could imagine what to do with and more old beat up tools thant I could ever store... Nah. The kids love these places and they love seeing what's inside. It's hilarious. Door number three... hmmm.... interesting. A prelit chistmas tree, a computer box... what if there's a nice computer in there? An oil lamp, rolling pin and maybe lots of kitchen gadgetry... a nice velux blanket... hmmm, might not make any money but it's clean and interesting. We put in a $22 bid and the kids didn't want to leave. The lady mistakenly told them they're welcome to come over for golf cart rides any time. "What?" One more thing for them to harrass me to death about. We ran to the bank with everyone voiciferously complaining about me not using the lane where you get suckers and deposited a couple of checks. I called Jody, made sure he had called the lady that was going to buy a sling today and then came home and made the strangest hodgepodge lunch you have ever seen. Partially to blame was the fact that my lettuce was completely frozen. I looked at the settings on the fridge and turned to Eden to ask who had turned all of them to HIGH? Her hand went to her mouth and her bottom lip stuck out in that singular look that says, "oh no, what did I break now?" "I did" she mumbled. I didn't get mad, just told her how great it would be if she would just ask me what stuff does.

Nick is now napping, the girls have turned the dining room into a tent and succumbed to the tv. That's my morning. Someday I'll blog an afternoon.