My Childhood:

When I try to remember as far as I can… the first person I see is always my Dad. I see his big silly grin, singing songs, bouncing me on his knee and giving me a shoulder ride. He’d let me hang on his back pockets while he walked around pretending I was his shadow. In a flash, I can see his face turn purple and something go flying across the yard because somebody pushed his hot button. What I loved was how well he expressed his true emotions. If he thought I was a cry baby he told me so. If he thought I was the smartest kid he ever knew, he told everybody. He loved to talk history and pick peoples brains, making them wonder why they believed whatever they did. He’d push them until they admitted they only believed what they did because they’d been told to. I watched him change the course of many lives and turn people from vague wishy washy liberals to die hard conservatives. Not because he was more convincing than the propaganda they’d been fed their whole lives but because he taught them to really think and question the unquestionable. It’s funny to look back on because what was a routine line of questioning that I was bored sick with would still strike a new person with the same force as the last. It seemed so elementary to me, so redundant and boring but Dad always took the opportunities given. I could see his sales pitch face come on, he would glow with a canny light and lean into the conversation. He would hold a fist on the worn cherry dining table in our kitchen and draw my helpless friends into a world of truth that they’d never visited. I could always see it when the final blow was coming. His fist would bounce off of the table with his thumb thrust out and the mesmerized captive would nod with a dawning light in their eyes. I liked to pop in for the finale but really over the years, the process was lost on me… or so I thought. As I grew up, I found myself baiting people almost constantly to see if they could trounce me in a verbal debate. I soon discovered that Dad had been very smart to spend his arguments on young teenagers. Once you got past that age group, people were invariably set in their ways. What I always did envy was his ability to stay calm in a debate. I still to this day, find myself with a red face and sweat dripping down my ribs even if I have the upper hand.
Life Lessons
It was a proud day. I’d gotten up with Dad, headed down to the biggest hay barn in the world and we were loading hay in our GMC. Dad got ready to climb up on the hay and throw down bales to me for me to drag to wherever they needed to be placed. He usually tossed the bales with precision and they naturally fell right where he wanted them. As I look back now, I know he tossed this bale straight to me because he knew I could pick it up and it would make me feel tough but I hadn’t anticipated it and the bale landed at my feet, knocking my knees and landing on my lap in unison with my butt hitting the truckbed. Of course, I didn’t feel tough so I decided to cry and have Dad come save me. I started to wind up the siren and Dad just burst out laughing. He couldn’t stop. He bent over and caught his breath and said “Boogle, that bale is smaller than you are if it’s even possible. It’s a perfect sized Betsy bale. You can do anything you want to with it.” I pretended to struggle under the weight and he leaned back and smiled. He wasn’t buying it. I decided to save face, so with heroic strength I launched the bale off of me, stumbled to my feet and heaved the little puff ball up on to the higher bales. He heaped on the praise and talked about how strong I was for such a little girl and I felt my chest expand and decided I’d be the best hay hand he’d ever have someday. I learned I didn’t need help as much as I asked for it and sometimes people just weren’t going to fall for my tricks.
Special Moments
It was a mid December day, uncommonly warm and very pretty. I sat in the little white S10 truck on my way to Beebee, Arkansas with Dad. We sang with strength our usual repertoire of Hank Williams, Baptist Hymns, Irish Ballads and random songs he just knew. We stopped at a little station and picked up our usual drinks and a king size Mounds Bar to share. It was going to be a perfect day. We arrived at a house and a man came out front with a smile. “I see you brought your helper.” It was always the same, everyone called me Dad’s helper and I always tried to live up to the title. I fetched tools when he was stuck in a crawl space either fixing a water softener or installing it. I tried to mind my manners and not ask for food even though everything I saw in other peoples houses looked incredibly appetizing. On this occasion, I was stopped at the front porch and never lifted a finger to help Dad. I have no recollection of the inside of the gentlemans house or his interesting array of food. There were 5 little kittens in a rainbow of colors. I couldn’t believe that every kitten was a different color, and most of all, I couldn’t believe the white one. The white one had the softest white fur with a dusting of gold across her head down her back and darkening at her tail to almost orange. She had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen on a cat and a captivating personality. I tried to be fair to all of the other kittens but I was smitten. When it was time to leave the kind man asked if I’d like to take one. I gave Dad a hopeless pleading look and to my complete and utter shock, he said yes. Dad hated cats. I was stricken dumb but not motionless. I scooped up the white kitten and wrapped my arms around Dad in the biggest hug I could muster. On the drive home, I decided to name her Lacey. She was huddled under the seat the whole way, but I chattered about her nonstop. Dad asked how I knew it was a girl and I told him that she had to be because she was so beautiful. He told me she could be my Christmas present. I was so happy I could barely stand it. When we got home Ginny and Louis had been trying to create a Christmas tree. Louis had cut down a Pine tree and tied branches with yarn to make it look full in all of the bare spots. We brought in the kitten and she was obsessed with the tree, the ornaments and the lights. She couldn’t leave it alone. It was a special day in my life I’ll never forget. It was a time someone gave me a Christmas present that was a true sacrifice. He gave it to me because he knew I would love it despite the fact that he could not stand cats.

Serenity Now!

Night before last Jody told me he'd have to take his bike to the bus stop because his car needed either a new alternator or a new battery. Nick kept me up all night, throwing up, coughing and thrashing. The next morning, I loaded the kids up. drove around the corner and picked up some patio furniture that a lady sold me for only $60. If I had known then what I know now, I would have saved the $60. We brought it home, the girls helped carry cushions and we got it all set up on the deck. A little bit later, Kaitlyn started vomiting. I wandered out back at one point to enjoy my furniture and realized my dogs were gone. I ran around the side and found that I had not properly shut the gate. I ran out front and a neighborhood lady said she'd seen them running around about an hour and a half before. I ran back inside and called the Humane Society while visiting their website. Yup, they had my dogs but I would ummm have to ummm pay ummm. I have no idea why she said long ummms in between everything but it was driving me insane. Long and short, a $55 fee per dog for picking them up, $20 per dog because I was behind on their rabies vaccines and $20 more per dog because they didn't have City Liscenses yet. I burst into tears and they offered to let me just pay one $55 fee and all the rest. I took the deal but if Eden didn't love them, I would have said for them to just keep the varmits. During the course of the conversation they found many opportunities to lecture me. For one, Kearney has buttons in her ear to help with her aural hematoma and the lady thought I'd done it as a cruel joke to my dog. Then she called my vet to verifiy my story and found out that Kearney is DUE to have the buttons removed and I needed to get over there right away. She also saw fit to point out that if I had gotten their liscenses, they'd have come home, not gone to the Humane Society. Ra Ra Ra! I got off of the phone with the Humane Society just crying over my stupidity and feeling like a failure as a dog owner and turned to look at my three darling children but instead of studying their adorable faces, my eyes fell on Eden's brand new glasses, just 24 hours old, sitting on the couch at an odd angle beside Nick. I walked over, picked them up, and started chanting "I will not cry, I will not cry." They were broken. I pulled out the laptop to look at my bank account since I had to buy my dogs back and new glasses and Nick came over beside me and stuck his little finger under the control key and flipped it off of the computer. I was feeling numb. I smacked his leg and forcibly moved him away but then it was time to go get Jody at the bus stop. Kaitlyn had now thrown up three times and while I wasn't looking, Eden had given her a glass of orange juice. She was looking pretty green, so I loaded her up with a bucket and set off down the road. We made it about a mile and a half when she started throwing up again so we pulled over, got the oj taken care of and went and got Jody. When we got home he took his car completey apart and went to the car store. They affirmed that the alternator was bad and it would be $180. When he got home, I voluntarily went to the store and bought him a 12 pack of beer just because he'd been so damn good to me about the most terrible day I've had in ages, besides, what's another $15?

Let me tell you a story...

I tell ya, nothing teaches me compassion and understanding for other people like a few hard knocks. We almost had the house sold, moved into another rental in a better neighborhood and then the first day I got mail at the new house there was a letter in the box. Inside the envelope was a notice that the buyer on our house had had their earnest money check bounce. I felt no suprise, just concern. It was as though I knew this was going to happen all along. I feel like we're supposed to feel this economic crisis in a very real way and that all of the bad stuff we hear about, is just not going to pass us by. I called the realtor, she told me not to worry. Funny, I wasn't worried, I just knew the whole gig was shot. Ya know? I just knew those people couldn't afford a house and they were living in a dream. I know when people can buy houses. We've bought our share. I know when you need to rent... we've rented our share. Long and short, I am relieved that we didn't dump the responsibility of owning that house on someone that couldn't handle it. We can and we will, we will rent it out and we will rent here and we will prioritize things correctly. That is all good for all of our neighbors in Kasson. So, now to find the right renter. It would be stressful if I hadn't gone through this purification process in the last few months. I feel completely calm. As a matter of fact, I have finally put what I know into action. I have confidence in God's plan for my family. His promise that he has a plan for welfare and not calamity, that we may have a future and a hope is very real and almost exciting to me.
So, we moved across town. Jody has 20 minutes less drive time each day. The neighborhood feels twice as safe. The house is 20 years younger. The carpet is new. The square footage is 500 feet bigger. I saved the best for last.... we went from one bathroom to 2 1/2. Very happy situation. The girls have a purple bedroom and Nick has a red one. All of their room decor matches the walls perfectly. Kinda neat. Kind of like God really cares about the little things and provides some little blessings we hadn't even thought of asking for.
I took Eden to her first eye exam today. Jody and I have poor vision and I have an astigmatism. So does Eden. She's also far sighted, so she only has to wear the glasses when she's working on things up close. She ordered purple Hannah Montana glasses. They were three times as expensive as the ones on sale but I just didn't care. When I was a little girl, my mom let me pick whichever glasses I wanted even though she was broke and by golly I'm doing the same. Not because I think she should have whatever she wants whether I can afford it or not, but because I'd rather spend what little money I have on the glasses than a couple of unnecessary trips to McDonalds or WalMart.
Finally, a cute story. In the car today Eden said to me "Mom, when I'm a rockstar, I'm going to sing lots of songs, more than all of the other rockstars." I nodded sagely in the mirror. Kaitlyn piped up in her usual half yelling strident voice, "Like Muffin Man?" Eden looked at her quizzically so Kait proceeded to start singing Muffin Man. Eden's lip curled in derision and finally a placatory expresson covered her face. "No Kait, that's a little kid song, I'm going to sing grown up songs." Kait digested this comment and then covered the situation with a very superior expression and just said "well I'm going to be a Mommy when I grow up." Eden's knowing voice became tinged with impatience as she said " Kait! You can be a mommy and a rockstar. Sarah McLachlan is both!"