Savor the flavor

My hazelnut tea sits beside me in a cup Kait specially picked for me this AM. It's filled with the tea from Eden and Kait's cups after they left for school. I am honored that they favor me with little expressions of love and flattered that they wanted to have tea with me this morning. I over steeped it, so they didn't drink it. I love the tender taste buds that haven't been hardened by years of parenting. I remember when an over steeped pot of tea went right down the drain. Now, I just savor the flavor and imagine how perfect it could have been.
We had some lovely conversations this morning, centering around the baby. It started with some new words crossing my lips. I told them I'm excited to be pregnant. They had no idea this was a milestone with me which I think is a small miracle and definitely a good thing. I said something to the effect of having wished I could have picked my last baby out at an orphanage in Africa but this was great too. Eden volunteered Kait or Nick for taking me on that journey but reasserted her age old message of "but I'm not sure I'll ever have kids so I probably won't do that." I laughed and told her it wasn't very fair for her to be all excited for me to have four kids and then warn me that she might not ever give me any grandchildren. Eden told me her friend Destinee was amazed that I'm pregnant which Eden related with the "play by play" effect. It made me feel weird and old. You can't really describe how weird it is for one of your kids to relate to you what other people think of your pregnancy when you've always just had little toddlers running around when you get pregnant saying "mommy has a baby in her tummy! mommy has a baby in her tummy!"
I'm always looking to see what's under the surface with the girls so I said. "What would you say if someone wanted to know why I have babies at home?"
Eden's had a certain air about her since she was two and it always tricks me into parenting her like she's a teenager for some reason. She paused in her lunch making, and while holding a ziploc bag, an air of knowledge fell over her like a mantle. "I would just tell them that you are more comfortable at home and you have your babies in the water instead of an old hard bed because the water makes you feel better." She said the word 'feel' with great emphasis.
Kaitlyn piped in with "I'm going to tell everyone that you like to have your babies in a tub!" Nice visual Kait, now I do feel like the weirdos on the SNL skit.
Yesterday Kaitlyn also asserted to me that dinosaurs are distinct. She was so proud of the use of the word. My little mini me. I remember reading the dictionary and practicing words and thinking of profound sentences to use them in only to finally lay it out there for Mom and Dad and have them burst into hysterical laughter and then pronounce it properly to me.
Jody and I are picking baby names. He has no motivation so I'm rolling along like a steam roller with him going around and around the steel plate against his will. I write lists with names, where they are on the popularity chart and what they mean. I email them to him and he grudgingly highlights the one's he likes in red. We're only on the first name right now so I can see this could be a rather lengthy process. We have two solid ideas but I do have a name I just can't convince him of for a girl but I WANT it. I have this annoying habit of thinking if I say it over and over to him in a cute voice he will grow to like it. Jody's stubborn so it will probably have the opposite effect.
I have stared at baby things on craigslist for three months. I am not convinced I need a single thing I've seen. I have a very short list of six things I need which of course will have to be new (carseat) or from a specialty store sigh. I hate having had so much baby experience. It makes me so picky. The rest of that stuff all depends on the baby. When you KNOW it's your last one, there is no point in having something that your baby might not like. That's my philosophy anyway. I will admit that this could be a hangover from the incredibly liberating process I went through two years ago when I got rid of a million baby things. Having that snatched away is a bit of a stabbing pain because the kids have certainly acquired enough things to compensate for the unloading of baby paraphernalia. I feel almost claustrophobic when I go in the "baby room" and the kids have scattered their stuff around playing. They CANNOT grow into that room. They CANNOT!
Later today Nick strolled into the kitchen while Fiona was here for a playdate with Kait. He told me "The girls are in the bedroom, but I'm not a "girly girl" I'm a boy like daddy---- and the baby." Oh sweet Jesus, let the boy have a boy please! I can't imagine his disappointment with another sister. LOL! He looked at me quizzically and said "do we still have a baby Mom?" I said "yeah, it's still in my tummy." He kicked the kitchen cabinet with his toe and said "I want to see it" and turned and ambled out of the kitchen.
Nick played with a one year old baby at Bible study the other day and he was quite funny. He had no concept of appropriate play for such a tiny tot which gave me giggles. I think he loved the baby but when the baby came to me and was talking gibberish, Nick scrambled up me like a cub and said very plainly "this is MY mommy" while holding me in a crushing hug. Oh boy. How do the one's who got to be the baby for this long cope I wonder. I do wonder.

The sower of the Word

Matthew 13

3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.”
18 “Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19 When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. 20 The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 22 The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. 23 But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

It's supposed to be a challenge, something to rise to. Something to be. But I've been a bumbling sower for years. I find it... frustrating. I read the parable and I see faces. I see the one's who had no roots. Then I think about the the one's who didn't try to understand me, and instead tried to see the Word through human eyes which enabled Satan to steal it from them. It's such a downer. Recently, I had a little boost though. A friend told me that people I didn't know, had been witnessing to and praying for a family who I had recently invited to church for years. All it took was a warm conversation and an invitation to church, for something to start. Jesus, my prophet. I love it when your words match something happening in my life. It makes me feel like you're my friend and not just a friend of the disciples.

John 4
36 Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. 37 Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. 38 I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.”

I'd like to hug every sower in that family's life. I'd like to be glad with them. I'd also like to think that I'm wrong about the one's who's faces are like ghosts to me. I'd like to think that they WERE fertile ground and my seeds were slow to germinate or were dormant. That someone even now might be reaping the harvest of something sown long ago.