"The Best Mom in the World"

When Jody pulled me close and pressed his mouth into my hair and told me I was the most amazing mother and he couldn't imagine anyone else who could be a better mother to his children, you'd think I would get a warm fuzzy glow. Instead, I got the jolt we all get but somehow I think mine is worse than average, Mother guilt. I wish I were better. I wish, I wish, I wish. Mostly, I wish I measured up to the beautiful cards the kids made and people gave me. I wish I were the greatest mom in the world so those cards would feel like a well deserved accolade and I was finally being given proper appreciation.
Last week was just basically a bust. Nick ran away with Journey on his strider. I ran and screamed and ran and screamed but they were out of earshot and I was just a gasping, fat, pregnant woman standing there with anger and fear competing for the top emotion. In those terrible twenty minutes when he was lost, all I could do was burst into tears, imagining the worst and wondering why in the world God had put another child inside of me. The next day I got a call reminding me to pay a very important bill... How did I forget that? It was three days late! The next day I got an email from Kaitlyn's teacher wondering if I'd forgotten her assessment. Two days later... yes I got a day of respite, my carpool friend called me and wondered if I'd forgotten the kids at school. Oh, yes I had! I can't do it! I really can't. I'm too lazy, too disorganized and too everything for four kids. I say it to friends and they give me an uncomprehending smile. They really don't think it's that big of a deal. They have planners that are completely filled in. They have a laundry system. They have clean bathrooms. This is a part of their daily routine, and yet their lives are a mystery to me. I'm just that simple girl who falls off of the organization wagon, has a complete wipe out and has to create a new resolve on a regular basis.
I kind of wonder sometimes... what if there were a super mom about twenty years older than me, who would come live with me for a month and teach me how to be "The Best Mom in the World". She could put me on a schedule, use a hot shot on me when I sit down to puddle on Craigs List or my blog and lecture me for several hours per day on how to be the proverbial virtuous woman, all while reminding me of the schedule. I wonder if it would create a new mentality for me. I wonder if that would be the key to becoming "The Best Mom in the World."

Another year slides by...

On May 2nd, 2005 I woke up about 7:30AM wondering if I would be pregnant forever or just go into labor someday. At 10:35AM, I was holding a screaming baby girl in my arms who had been named before Christmas, Kaitlyn Belle Allen. It was like I'd always known her. She flew out of me like greased lightning and I had to tell someone to grab her before she banged her head on the floor of the birth tub. It was probably the most defining day of my life as a woman, so I could really go on and on, but today I celebrate six years of knowing and loving Kait, not the anniversary of the day I realized I was superwoman. Just kidding, really.
So, what started out as a blood curdling scream the day she was born has now grown into nonstop chatter...and she has a quip and a sassy remark for everything that comes up. She'll negotiate anything, from changing into her play clothes, to getting candy before dinner. Even after my final answer... I swear I have no idea who she takes after. No, honestly? Every time she pops off, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror at myself 25 years ago and I feel laughter bubbling inside me. I guess there's more to Kait than just that smart mouth though. She's spunky, riding her bike fearlessly and stubborn, holding her position just a little longer than I can stand sometimes, sensitive when she thinks someone is laughing at her and fragile, bursting into tears when someone forgets to pray with her before bed; she's beautiful, taking strangers breath away and thoughtful, making a special breakfast for Jody and me on our anniversary; practical, explaining her reasoning of things to no end and even autocratic at times, demanding that Eden and Nick play exactly what she wants in the way she wants with the characters she wants, and with the lines she wants them to say. But mostly, Kait is loving. She is so kind to her siblings and so helpful to me. I always feel a spirit of love in her. Ginny calls her a "Who" because she has a little "Who" face but underneath I don't think she's quite so gullible and maleable as little "Cindy Lu Who". Her foundation is solid,her faith is unshakable and I foresee a girl who will plow her way through life, with not just a conscience, but a determination to see that truth is upheld. Yes, I'm proud of my little Kaity Kat, but who wouldn't be?