Girlfriends and God

Last year I hit thirty and thought things would start to make sense. Who was I kidding? I still feel like a nineteen year old girl "playing grownup." People have always said that age is just a number and now that I'm thirty-one I think I have figured that one out. The question of where I'm at, now that I'm thirty-one is the most interesting contemplation, not the monotonous progressive counting reminiscent of kindergarten. A great discovery now that I'm in my thirties is the incomparable value of girlfriends and God. I'll be honest that I guess I'm a late bloomer in this respect. Most people seem to grasp the value of girlfriends fairly early on but I didn't. Managing relationships has never been my strong suit and I was not good at prioritizing or showing appreciation for my girlfriends at all. Through my twenties I think Jody and I explored the immeasurable worth of having a true connection with your spouse as you begin a family. It was great and I look back on it with a glow of satisfaction. But now I'm broadening and thinking about things in a little different way. My chum Jenn brought over Chinese and we had a four hour lunch today. When I was primarily focused on Jody, I used to sensationalize how grand it would be to go have lunch with him, and it is grand if he has the day off of work. On the other hand, if you go on a work day, he will be thrilled but distracted and you'll be lucky to have him 70% at attention for a little less than an hour. I'm not saying Jody is an abysmal lunch date. I'm saying it's not the best way to connect with him and it's not the most relaxing thing in the world that you can do for him. On the contrary, I feel like I'm slightly taxing him. I don't regret the effort, I feel we have nice memories from our lunches and I'm sure we'll still do it, but under close examination a good question is "What is the best way to love your man with meaning?" Around noon Jenn called to tell me she was running a bit late because she had tried to cram a little too much into her morning so she could be free all afternoon without chores. I laughed and told her I had done exactly the same thing. We were so focused on how great our lunch date was going to be, that we had crammed a ridiculous amount of effort into setting our entire afternoons free. And we were glad we did. We ate way too much Chinese and gabbed it up for the whole afternoon. It was kind of a dawning of a new realization for me. How nice to have my dream lunch and an animated discussion of things that would be physically painful for Jody. How nice for Jody to come home to a less than needy wife who had a great day and prepared a fine dinner. By the same token, how nice it was that he and I had a lovely breakfast together without my telephone or internet when he had a day off last week. I feel the same glow from both experiences and I'm glad that I'm learning how to tap into the "good times".
The other thing I'm exploring in my thirties is resuming my "best friend" status with God that I had in my teen years. It seemed like I just couldn't do it in my twenties. I had baggage from churches, choices and the overwhelming new job of wife and mother. I think finding God in the middle of it was just beyond my faith and organization level. It seemed like whenever Jody and I made a step in that direction we'd hit a spiritual wall and the Holy Spirit was elusive. I look at how reachable God is to me now compared to my twenties and I'm kind of flabbergasted and very thankful. I spent a worried and guilty decade wondering how I was ever going to get back to Him and here we are. I finally feel myself pulling back into a comfortable and familiar friendship that makes everything in life make sense. So yeah, I'm glad I'm thirty-one and I'm pretty sure I'll be glad to turn fifty-one and eighty-one.

Eden is eight...

Well, actually she has been eight for about three weeks but I never did write my birthday blog for her. I could say what she's done this past year or how she's changed since her seventh birthday but I don't think it would do because in all of the ways that define Eden, she has never changed. She is like the deepest water of the ocean. She doesn't chatter. She doesn't jitter. She isn't domineering or controlling. She's present. She's beautiful. She's vivid. She's profound. She's not tied to convention nor is she fettered with time. She hears your inputs but she has her convictions and if they don't concur, well you're better off trying to move a silent, placid mountain. She speaks sparingly but with depth that usually shocks me at first hearing and makes me want to cry with the retelling. I gather a lanky child in my arms with legs that take up my whole lap, I smooth her satin silk blonde hair that now falls in a cute chunk over one eye (like Ms. Baxter), I look into her beautiful blue wide set eyes with the light sprinkle of freckles on her nose when she speaks and smiles and I hope I always remember that child, the beauty and the simple joy for life. If it makes sense to say, I think Eden is the one who is patient with me. While I beg, cajole and scream for her to conform to this world, she smiles and tries to cooperate with almost a tolerance while knowing I can't understand her big picture. I think she knows my faults and failings better than any other member of the family because I can't see it and I don't always understand her and it physically drains me. She's referred to as "an old soul" by many and I think with good reason.
This year at our parent/teacher conferences, I've no doubt that the teacher thought she would be revealing a great surprise about Eden when she told us that Eden is an extremely bright child and her only struggle was completing tasks in a timely manner. She said with great concern that she might sit for 20 minutes with a paper untouched because she had a question and had never raised her hand for help. Through a series of events I've also discovered that not only has Eden held up the entire drive line at school while stopping in to check on Ms. Baxter in the afternoon, but she has also been tardy for the same reason. Apparently it's very important to her that she visit Ms. Baxter no less than three times per day. I think it's a perfect example of her perspective of the existence of time and how her priorities rank. I rather imagine she pities the world for being so obsessed with time and prioritizing schedules.
A few weeks ago, I asked her if recess had been cold because it was an insanely windy day.
She said "yes but I love to hear the wind. Sometimes when the wind blows, I feel like it's trying to say something to me."
I said "really, what do you think it's saying?"
She said "well, I don't know, I don't speak wind, but maybe it's trying to bring me a message. I bet my sister Michelle loves the wind and she sends me messages. Like it's our own special thing, just the two of us thinking about each other. But all of our family, I mean you and Daddy too."
I told her that was a beautiful idea. It was so sweet and soulful. She's eight years old, sitting there with the fall melancholy we all get, articulating it all so beautifully and making sure she doesn't hurt anyone's feelings to boot. Special, special girl.
And tonight was rather entertaining as well. She told me that she has started a page about Jody in her creative writing book and that she had written that he is great to wrestle with and loves to take her to the arcade. I thought those were great and then she told me that when she's all done she'll write a page about me.
I said "Really? What will you write about me?"
She said " Oh I don't know, that you work really hard and clean up after everyone?"
I raised my brows and nodded, I'm sure I was wincing.
She said "(giggle) and that you like to take us to thrift stores."
I just took them to the Museum of Nature and Science for the day so that was a bit of a blow but I nodded all the same and said "okay."
Then just for good measure she said "and you make really yummy hot cocoa for us when we're cold."
Considering the effort put into hot cocoa compared to the pot roast I made today I had to wonder... if my children really don't care if they eat good food or go to fancy museums and those things really don't impress them... maybe I AM wasting a lot of time like they all say.... ;-)
No, that can't be the case. On her birthday, Eden was so sick with a terrible cold and we offered to get her food anywhere. She told me she wanted a home made cake and home made spaghetti because it was made with love. She got exactly what she asked for.
So Eden, I pray for you that you will follow the will of the Lord. That he will show you great things. That your life will be a testimony to everyone who knows you of Gods unfailing and beautiful love. I pray that the angels will guard and protect you. I thank God for making you so wonderfully with so many amazing skills and attributes that can bring him boundless amounts of glory. And I thank Him for entrusting you to me, so I may enjoy you for this short time.
I don't know how many more springs I'll get to watch you hunt for Easter Eggs, or all of the other wonderful childhood pass times but I can't say that I mourned the passing of Barney or your diapers, so bring on the middle years. Let's see how we do.
That's about all I can say about my amazing #1 girl. I'm so glad God found such a great way to get my life on track. Blessing us with Eden has been a beautiful, joyful ride.
The halloween rock star.