Whiny butt

Cindy lunged into my face roaring that I was a fucking bitch while grabbing my arm and shoving me against the wall. I was paralyzed. I knew I needed to stay strong or she might feel a power and actually hurt me. I stared into her crazed eyes and knew she was trying to make me attack her back so she could frame me. I stood my ground telling her to stop. Every word I uttered seemed to be fuel to her fire so I finally stopped speaking and tried backing away. She released my arm and kept shouting that I was terrible at my job and a fucking bitch and never to touch her again. I dazedly walked back to my area and looked for my union steward Meredith. Only a week ago, a seasonal employee who was a total pervert had come up behind me and grabbed my shoulders and pulled me against him under the ruse of trying to scoot past me. I felt so angry and powerless and abused. It seemed like life never stopped throwing arrows at me. I found Meredith dragging enormous boxes off the belt and rapidly shoving them into a truck. I said "Mer, I don't know what to do, Cindy just attacked me." She wheeled around and fiercely told me to go report her immediately to Justin. I knew Justin already disliked me for making a big deal out of the pervert but as I headed for the office, Cindy was emerging with a malevolent  smile. She saw me and turned once more and said "just so you know." Then she breezed past me casually returning to unload. I walked in and Justin held his hand up not even glancing at me saying "just a minute." He leaned back in his chair listening to a conference call and I stood awkwardly. Finally he said, "what do you need?" I said well, Cindy just attacked me in unload. He said "well, as I understand it you touched her and she wasn't very happy about that." I said  "she almost hit me in the head with a box she was throwing and I tapped her twice on the back and said watch out." He gave me a condescending look and said "well, in the future just communicate that to her clearly without touching her." I felt oddly like I was in the twilight zone and that I was being blamed for this attack. I said "ok Justin, Cindy attacked me, what are you going to do?" He said, "did anyone see it?" I said "yes, I'm sure everyone did. She was screaming in my face that I was a fucking bitch and shoving me against a wall hitting me." He sighed and leaned back in his chair again. Finally he said "I'll have Coach talk to her." I stared at him in shock and left,

I returned to work, shaking, unable to focus or work at half speed. My mind returned to a long ago locker room and a girl beating me until I crawled from the room on hands and knees. Mer checked on me and I shrugged biting back tears. I said I guess they aren't going to do anything. She said well we will just talk to Brett when he gets here. I felt so defeated. Brett must secretly hate me by now I thought. I'm always drama. Always a big swirl of something drifting around me. I wondered why and felt a wave of self pity wash over me.

A few minutes later I saw Brett and assumed he had been told but he hadn't. I tried to tell him what happened and when I saw care in his expression I cracked. I finished my retelling with rivers of tears and the proclamation that I hate UPS and all of the crap that happens to me all of the time there. His big sorrowful brown eyes said it all. He was going to champion me yet again for the millionth time. My body with limp with relief. I had been trying to imagine how I would even come to work for two more weeks but with Brett in my corner, I knew I could make it. 

By the end of my shift Cindy had been sent home, I had written a five page statement about her harassment for the last two and a half years and as Brett held it , he asked if I wanted to go home. I did. I really did but I didn't want show weakness and have Cindy hear I had gone home so I said no I'd stay.

 Ernie arrived and asked how I was and I said maybe worst day ever here. He got the skinny, then side hugged me and said "aw Elizabeth, you're still one of my favorite people." I laid my cheek on his shoulder for a second and said thanks. 

When I got home to my sacred space there were my beautiful Jody and Hazel ready to listen and care. I held hot fresh coffee Jody had made and snuggled on a beanbag by the fire, knowing not everyone finds sanctuary in their home spaces. 

Hours later I laid in a bath with the most amazing bath salts Jody had gotten me for Christmas listening to Lauren Daigle. I let tears run down the sides of my cheeks and pool in my ears. Finally I said God, can't you take me away from UPS? The self pity had consumed me. But then God showed me Jody's  face and Hazel's and Brett's and Mer's and Ernie's. He said "she will never have what you do and that's what she hates."  So I said "well, I'm sorry for being a whiny butt God." He chuckled and said, "you'll be ok."

hey there to my deep feelers

We try to be real, compensate for extremes and hope this means we are enlightened, not fake. We learn to let go of the people we were too much for and open our arms to the one's who welcome us on the journey. We strive through a world full of judgement, derision and cynicism. We ask ourselves to pray instead... because nothing else really ever did work. We fail. We fall into moments of self pity, myopically focused on the impossibility of our lives. We give in to moments of bittersweet nostalgia about the cycle of life. We gaze at old pictures with an almost desperate feeling of amnesia, wondering who we were and what we thought. We spend weeks on end floating above feelings, doing all of the things with a weary avoidance. 

But when a moment comes, we slip into silly laughter, dancing ourselves silly or savoring red wine or salty chocolate or $20 cheese. Without effort we fall into throes of passion, feeling worshiped and possessed by our lovers, reaching new heights of bliss. We find our way out of doors and melt into the sunset or walk across the mountain and our hearts feel clean. We meet with Jesus and He let's us see through His eyes. Present concerns become unimportant. Our hearts find their way back to purpose. 

Here's to making it

 I thought about submitting this for a scholarship but I don't know. I should leave the scholarship for someone in great need. 

One night, my seven-year-old was tucking me into bed at 7PM and as she pressed the blankets around my sagging shoulders she said “Mom, are you just so happy that you are going to have your dream job someday? Some people never make it.” And at 1:30 the next morning my alarm went off. It was no different than any other day for the last two years. It was time for me to get up for work. When I cooked up this scheme, I didn’t really think I was going to hack it. Most housewives with four children and no high school diploma don’t wake up one day and decide to do manual labor and work their way through college after nestling in warm laundry for fifteen years. But I did. I work at UPS loading trucks. Every day, I wonder how I’ve made it this far and hope – someday - I’ll tag the finish line.

My education journey is a minute-by-minute, mind-numbing, teeth-gnashing affair. There’s been some days. I remember one day during the UPS Christmas rush last year that I arrived at a class still in my Carhartts an hour late, filthy dirty and smelling like hard work. Lots of hard work. No words were exchanged and I did not attempt to keep up with my Revit instructors rapid fire instructions. I simply “attended.” By hook or crook, I passed that class with an “A.” I didn’t think it was possible but that’s my new normal. Just this past week as I surveyed my mountain of projects for the four classes I’m taking, I thought “impossible” and then I laid in my bed, verged on self-pity tears then had a pep talk and got up and made a day-by-day plan ending on December 11^th. It’s possible but only because I live with the five most amazing people in the world who buy groceries, do laundry, and fill all of the gaps I’ve created.

Although I love school and all the ways it has transformed me, I feel an equal love for how UPS has changed me. UPS reconnected me with diversity and a full appreciation for the human struggle. Among other things, I am the pre-load mentor. This unglamorous job is to simply meet with new employees 15 times within their first three months of employment and teach them safety practices and introduce them to UPS. Every single time, I meet amazing people. I’ve trained a high school football coach, a chiropractor, a foreign missionary, a retired Navy officer and a whole host of other interesting people. One day a manager asked me who could put a message on a white board so I directed him to Tim who was trained in calligraphy and was a hand drafter for many years. By the same token, there’s an equal number of young, lost, aimless souls who need me.  And this is the perfectly placed intersect of UPS and school. During my first meeting with each group, I tell them all about the UPS Education assistance program. I tell them everything they need to know and have given many the boost they needed to investigate education. I often see a lackluster disinterest until I say I’m doing it. I think maybe things seem impossible for so many people until they walk next to someone who says “yes you can, look at me.”

My education journey teaches my kids to have a little grit every day. I hope it pushes my co-workers who I want to inspire to chase their dreams. Maybe it even encourages my friends who always cheer me on and give me props. But mostly, my education process is effecting a lasting change in me. It’s my dangling carrot, my feather in my cap, my marching tune and my stiff drink.  

When I read the requirements for applying for this scholarship, I thought… “hm, I don’t have time to use my education for anything significant and lasting yet. I’m just surviving!” Then I realized surviving is what lasts.

 

 

Created anew

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://www.bible.com/116/eph.2.10.nlt
Three hours alone will make you wonder things... like whether your whole life will be a relationship life lesson or if you can get it over with in 40 years and spend the rest spreading joy. This week has been a shattering experience for me personally. Sounds dramatic but it’s just the simple truth. After ten years of trying to be a family with my siblings and trying to be a better human and trying to set healthy boundaries which make me a better human I was again reduced to being labeled with every sin I’ve ever committed with some humdinger bonus sins I have never considered logical or tempting. I am a very polarizing person so... I always tell myself things like I deserve it in the long run or I’m not very many peoples cup of tea, or sundry other things. But that’s not what God wanted to tell me. He wanted to tell me I’m made new and I’m a masterpiece... and I was made to do good things. And seriously I’m trying so hard to do good things. I’m literally confronting myself on an hourly basis here. But the past sins are a bit like a cacaphony of echoes that I can’t hear Him over sometimes.
I always wonder if I’m doing the good things, the particular ones I was made for. What masterpiece am I and where do I belong? Which good thing is He leaning His elbow on in a most suggestive way? As I stand in a sea of knee deep failures looking for the good thing, I’ve concluded what I knew all along. It’s my dear ones. And sometimes there’s a price. Sometimes you need to let go of toxic relationships so you can do the job right. Sometimes you need to care less about work or school so the dear ones can succeed. Sometimes you even need to sacrifice serving at church so you can make Sunday morning a peaceful ritual in a life of rat racing. It seems doing the good things that God made me for long long ago... can get get lost in the shuffle of doing the other things. And honestly, I’m far from an example to anyone but I’m celebrating whatever good I can think of when I look at my day because it’s something. Today I chose to speak respectfully to my son. I chose to hold my frustration with my child/navigator to a half rant. I took a special lunch to the one who had no parent on her field trip. I drove my little debaters to Congress and sat in the car for three hours hoping they loved every second. In the middle of many sad things in this season of life, I cannot forget the good things I was made to do which was planned long ago. Nor can I get away from the word masterpiece. To think that with all of my mistakes and imperfections, I’m created anew to be the masterpiece mother for my children and wife for my man.