My Job

Learning what is my job has been my focus the last couple of years. As a life long fixer and confronter and bosser, I've turned over a new leaf. It doesn't come easily. It's so natural for me to intervene and insert myself into things that I talk to myself a lot these days. "Elizabeth, whose problem are you worrying about? Is it your problem? Can you fix it? Should you fix it? Is this a prayer item?" This is a running monologue in my head. Whether I'm thinking about whether someone might need vitamins, to work on their temper, to be kinder, to decide about their injured dogs future, how to recover from a heartbreaking loss, how to navigate a scary illness, how to find a husband or a million other things that come at me, the only true answer is pray. I can't live their journey. I can't hand out shortcuts. Most of the time if I'm honest, I don't know the shortcut. So I pray. And sometimes I say stupid stuff anyway but I'm a work in progress. I never feel a thrill of success from intervening in someone's life like I do from seeing the Holy Spirit intervene. He's amazing. So if you ever see me bite my tongue. Pat me on the back. It's hard! 

Haters gonna hate

I spend too much time reading opinion pieces. It's kind of a little way I challenge myself. Not really to see if they can make me agree nearly as much as to see if their stump has purpose and if I can like them regardless of their message. What it seems like I see in an increasingly strident voice is a demand for change in people's hearts. Seriously? When did that ever work? So I'm just going to say it #blacklivesmatter #supportlgbt #99% #syrianrefugees #therealdonaldtrump... a lot of you have great hearts but you've missed the point. We cannot force morality of any version on everyone. Any time we resort to manipulation, righteous judgement, riots, angry marches, guilt trips or lecturing we have already lost. You may not want to hear it but you and I are more similar than you want to think. You see, we both have creeds, strong beliefs, passions, the welfare of the vulnerable and regrettably,  a tendency towards force. We have the desire to force because we are human. What I've realized in my short meandering life is that handing someone a spanking in a debate never brings the reward that serving someone in need does. Setting an expectation of a society doesn't bring satisfaction like extending grace undeserved. And now I will address the "you don't understand" comeback. I grew up in a double wide with a melting particle board floor. I rode in 20-40 year old vehicles with holes in the floor and sometimes rusty gas tanks. I had one bra that I hand washed so it would last. I got called lots of names, from hick, to hillbilly, redneck, lesbian, whore, bitch and even annoyingly though harmlessly halfpint and shorty because I never grew to an average size. I was never popular or pretty or by the worlds standards extraordinary in any way. And in highschool I got the shit beat out of me until it hurt to walk and I was black and blue by the meanest girl I've ever laid eyes on. I grew up without air conditioning in the south and lived on a farm hauling hay until I was so hot I got sick. Then I worked at a fruit stand sitting in the sizzling heat all day. Then in an office as the lowliest employee who had to do everything nobody wanted to do. I remember being lambasted because someone else had to wash out the coffee pots and it was beneath them. And then called into the wealthy president of the company's office to discuss my inappropriate t-shirt being worn in business casual office while he knew very well I made half the money of the rest of the employees. 99%ers this one is for you. I loved that boss and I was proud to work for him. He challenged me to RISE! I went home and changed into a lightly stained button down on my lunch break and purposed to try harder albeit with a bitter taste in my mouth. It didn't feel fair but that's what pushes you on.  I had no college degree nor was I in school to become something because I was so tired from working two jobs I just didn't have the energy. I was just crawling along driving my dodge neon home to my slightly creepy apartment with a crazy cat lady roommate and grungy carpet. Does any of this sound familiar? I will spare you the devastation of crashing my car and going on foot for weeks while trying to save up my deductible for repairs. I guess my great privilege came when I married a guy who had crawled his way along getting knocked down over and over by hardships and heartbreaks much worse than my own in many ways but who pressed on with strength rarely witnessed and provided for me to be a "stay at home mom with no education" which half of America disdains. So, maybe I haven't experienced the hardest stuff, maybe being black is just a whole lot harder, but I've been judged, worked in the heat doing full manual labor, been beat up and treated like a servant and a second class citizen. And I say so what. Because thank GOD their problems are not my job. Besides, their treatment of me is NOT my identity and I have no urge to change the people who mistreated me. It was a journey to let those offenses go. Now I want to change the way I respond to mean people because they will never go away. I do try to surround myself with a different kind of people but that might not always be possible. And in all honesty even the dearest people I surround myself with will not "support" everything I believe in and do nor should they. LGBTer's that's for you. I can and do very strongly respect and love you but I won't support your mission. Authenticity and integrity are so much more valuable to me than approval of other people. If I were only friends with people who supported my pro-life passion and changed their Facebook profiles to show it, I would be rather lonely but it's a huge part of who I am and I show it proudly. In light of the inevitability of haters, I've read books about dealing with conflict. Because people are mean. And let me tell you, if they hate you because you're black or poor or Syrian, they probably hate me because I'm conservative or another person because they are rich or gay or pretty or fat. Hate is a poison that often starts with a seed of anger. Beware, because a lot of you seem dangerously angry.  Hate is a pity. America should call it a poverty that evil exists but reacting in anger continues the cycle of hate. So the next time you want to get on a stump about anything, show love and teach people like MLKJr did. "You'll catch more bees with honey than vinegar." 

They say the deepest need of every human is to be understood. Unfortunately human nature and individual experiences makes that something we may only ever truly receive from God. Mayhap that was His intention all along.

One weekend in March

When I am old and bored and it's March I hope I read this and feel the memories course through me bringing life and joy and energy.

Thursday night all of Kait and Nicks science fair work culminated in the grand Science Museum. They did wonderfully. I really loved it. But I love knowing they are done just as much.

Friday I got a bee in my bonnet and demanded a lunch date with my chum Jenny. Now why do I always blog about Jenny? I don't know. I guess she's just one of those people who blows wind in my sails and when I think about sitting at some little restaraunt with her in a little spot of sunshine I smile. While all of my friends are beautiful and amazing, the thing I just love about Jenny is that she believes in me. And she says those little words we are all dying to hear from just anyone like "you are such a good mom" or "you're so positive" because you know that's what we all want to be so badly. Anyway, we had one of those perfect lunches where we would sometimes talk too fast and sometimes we just stopped talking entirely and soaked up Hazel's smiles. Then I snooped all over her new house build exclaiming over every beautiful thing but finding myself turning more often to see her face because she's getting so damn excited and I love it. Her new wooden porch went in just like her old one and she told me she never even anticipated it but when her shoes landed on those boards and she walked across them she felt like she was home again. And I didn't know whether I wanted to cry with happiness for her or bust a move. Because I seriously loved that old porch even though it always got me half drunk. Yeah I always try to blame other people and even inanimate objects for my poor alcohol outcomes.

On Friday night I got a free pair of tickets to see a local band and I took Kait. We had so much fun. I've never had that much fun at a local event. They are seriously talented. Their name is       Face. Kait was so cute at the concert and I had the best time explaining to her what an encore is and how you always keep clapping at the end so they come back for one more song. She and I danced and sang and laughed when the "brush hazels teeth" alarm went off on my phone. I'll always treasure the memory of that night. I know it sounds petty but it sometimes feels like nobody in my family does anything with me just because I really want to but this time Kait did. 

Saturday morning we were up bright and early for cheer. Kait did beautifully as always. 

We read some of the Penderwicks because we squeeze it in wherever we can when we get close to the end of a book and then we went to Eden's yellow belt test. My girl Eden really was beautiful and graceful out there. I could not have been more amazed. And of course she earned her yellow belt. There was something very beautiful and special about sitting there, the whole family watching her with rapt attention, nerves on end. An hour of test after test after test. I'm certain every skill she has acquired in karate was put on display.

We went home and just relaxed and had family time. 

In the morning, I was volunteering in kids quest and the leader asked a small group of girls to share very hard things that had happened in their lives and how God brought good from it. They shared harder stories than I've lived through. A father in jail. A little brother gone to heaven. It was sad hard stuff and it reminded me of this golden season I'm in right now. I so treasure it. I'm so thankful that it's here. 

We went to see Star Wars FINALLY all six of us. It's an event. Getting six people to church and the movie theater is a full day's work. But my Hazy curled up to cuddle me the whole time and I sat by my man and shed a tear here and there. I have never purposefully watched a Star Wars movie but I was assaulted with the movies so many times as a child that I couldn't help but get a little sentimental. 

Tonight after a feast from the grill we hunkered down and drove straight to the end of "The Penderwicks in Spring" I had to pause often to wipe my tears but we made it and it's honestly one of the best books we've ever had for a read aloud. 

And at bed time as we prayed and cuddled and sent our children off to bed it felt complete. I laid in the arms of my husband, I smelled spring I kissed him deeply and felt a presence... Yes the dog had come to see what we were doing... Just like a fifth child indeed, 

Thank you March for such a lovely weekend for me to always remember with my beautiful family.

A story for a special boy named Lawrence

Friends, there is a little boy on the east coast named Lawrence who is in the hospital today. He's having a tough time. When I heard about him I remembered a Lawrence from my childhood. He was a figment of my dads imagination and the foundation of hundreds of stories he told to my little brother. I had adopted Lawrence myself and made up my own stories for my kids so I decided to put one to paper for little Lawrence. I was just certain hearing about a big strong Lawrence would make him feel a tad bit stronger himself. So, if you read this, send up a prayer for little Lawrence. I know he's very important to God.

A thrill ran through Eden's chest. The farm. She jumped out of the car, stretched her limbs and eagerly beckoned to Nick and Kait who were still rooting for shoes and socks amid the pillows blankets and discarded snack containers. After catnapping through the night they were by no means well rested but their excitement energized them. Finally the younger two tumbled from the car and they all quickly fulfilled obligations and hugged Poppy and Nana. Their distraction was obvious but didn't offend the grandparents. Competing with Lawrence in the eyes of children would be like the moon competing with the sun in the morning. Eyes shining with repressed glee they began hopping like little bunnies with hands clasped in supplication. 

"Please can we go find Lawrence! Please!"

Poppy never able to resist a prank pulled a long face and told them there were cows to milk and feed and wood to chop before any galavanting around with dinosaurs.

Nick always quick to show his disappointment dropped his chin to his chest and in a show of good manners said "yes Poppy." Kait squinted seriously, a small furrow in her brow, estimating the chores and began dividing responsibilities in her mind for a quick execution. Eden's quick wit came to the fore and slanting a sharp glance, her eyes twinkled knowingly at her Poppy. "I wasn't born yesterday Poppy! It's 10AM, you are done milking and feeding for the morning and its April... You need no wood!" Her exclamation ended with a triumphant Sherlock like ring.  He shouted with laughter and Nana laughed until tears spilled down her cheeks. Kait and Nick grabbed Eden's hands and a chorus of thank yous floated back behind them as they sprinted for the railroad tracks. 

Clambering through a hole in the old gate Nicks shirt caught and snagged. He slumped his shoulders in his dramatic defeated posture and Kait deftly loosened it giving him a lecture on being more careful and not getting in such a hurry. The lecture was hard to take seriously from a child only 2 years his senior with a chocolate milk mustache but Nick was quick to cover his smile. Nobody laughed at Kait, nobody. 

They dashed across the tracks promising each other they would come back with their metal treasures to press. The second gate swung open easily and closed in a flash with Eden managing it with ease and familiarity. Finally, they spilled across a spring green field of clover and dashed across the hayfield in an earnest and slightly competitive sprint for the river. It was on. Eden pulled away easily, her legs eating up the distance but seeming from nowhere Nick became a ball of speed hurdling past her like a bullet straight for Lawrence's cave. Kait tended to get a sore knee so she ran a more leisurely pace staying close.

Lawrence was scientifically known as a Diplodocus. Nobody ever really talked about it just as we rarely refer to one another as Homo sapiens but there it was all the same. 

Nick came to a screeching halt at the opening of Lawrence's cave with Eden and Kait piling up against him knocking him one step further like a pile of minions. 

The cave was quiet and orderly without a diplodocus in sight. Eden strolled over to a table and found a Bible laying open to John. The story of the healed blind man she mused devouring the page instinctively. Reading was her first love and leaving something unread was almost physically impossible for her. As she read she came to an underlined verse:

“He told him, “Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam”. So the man went and washed and came back seeing!”

John 9:7 NLT

By now Nick was swinging in a hammock he had strung up on his last visit and Kait was mixing a glass of chocolate milk. 

"Aha! He left us a clue" Eden trumpeted! She dashed out the door while Nick hung in a tangle trying to escape his hammock and Kait ruefully contemplated her fresh chocolate milk. Kait took a gulp and dutifully again extracted Nick from his latest predicament, choosing this time to merely give him an exasperated sigh with her eyebrows raised and her chocolate milk mustache refreshed. Nick ducked his head and dashed out the door without thanks but he also didn't laugh at Kait so he considered it even. 

A silvery laugh wafted up from the river and Kait and Nick ran down the hill in time to see Eden seeming to walk on water only to suddenly disappear under the water and come up again dripping wet and screaming from the shock of the icy water. Lawrence's small and wizened head rose from the water 20 feet from where Eden stood and his long neck curled around to her and they laughed. 

Kaits eyes roved the bank and found Lawrence's tail and she took the lead dashing straight out to the middle of the river running up his tail just as Eden had. Everyone was given turns hugging Lawrence's head as they clamored for a chance to tell him all of their latest news. But Lawrence soon shushed them and lifted his head listening. "a boat is coming" he said in his deep bass voice. The kids ran down his tail to the shore and began innocently gathering small shells and skipping stones as he melted into the water. A few minutes later a fishing boat drifted by with a couple of old gray haired men quietly relaxing with their fishing poles. Nick was the first to notice Lawrence's tail still draped on the shore and decided to run the opposite direction whooping like an Indian as a diversion drawing puzzled glances. Their  boat drug across Lawrence's backbone with an agonizing clatter as it hit each vertebrae. Eden froze in horror staring at the old men agape. Kait fortunately had a bit more poise and perkily shouted a hello and the old men silently waved looking a little vexed by noisy children on their fishing trip. One took a paddle out and dislodged the boat from Lawrence like he was just a rock they had beached on and the boat drifted free and floated on down the river without further ado. Eden and Kait collapsed on the beach amazed that Lawrence hadn't been discovered. Lawrence rose from the water flipped his tail to the children, they clambered on and he began to amble up to the hayfield to lay in the sun and warm everyone up. 

Nick was bouncing around like a little ball of flubber. "How did that happen?" The river is crystal clear! How did they not see you?" 

Lawrence rumbled with laughter and merely said "I was reading John today... And Jesus once said:

Then Jesus told him, “I entered this world to render judgment—to give sight to the blind and to show those who think they see that they are blind.””

John 9:39

It's good you are young and learning faith and truth now. The older you get, the harder it becomes to accept. Knowing an extinct dinosaur is your privilege and responsibility. Perhaps if those men had known me when they were young they would have looked for the truth when their boat lodged on my vertebrae. But as it is, many people in your life will not seek truth, they will live on the surface of life accepting all as it appears never knowing the joy and thrill of knowing Jesus and listening to the Holy Spirit and finally someday meeting God in heaven. 

The kids laid on their dinosaur and their eyes drifted shut as he began at the beginning of John 9 and told them the story of a time Jesus healed a blind man who didn't even know who Jesus was or why he came.