Dear Children

Dear Nick, 

I could watch you valiantly fight gravity to swim twenty strokes all day. When I think of the shivering blue crying toddler who hated swimming and I watch you now, I feel amazed at your determination and grace and strength. 

Waiting until third grade to become a snaggle tooth didn't diminish my joy in your cute smile or adorable lisp you now display. 

Your fascination with history gives me peace that you will become a pillar of faith and a fierce patriot. Your gentleness gives me a window into watching you tenderly parent your own little shivering boy someday. 

Keep on fighting my boy. The best things in life don't come easy. I have no doubts, only great confidence in your capabilities. 

Dear Eden,

I so want to draw a lovely metaphor of how watching you turn from a child into a little woman is sweet torture for me but I know that you will just roll your eyes. Suffice it to say, you are beautiful on the outside and you are beautiful inside as well. I never hear your laugh without wanting to laugh too. I never tire of your animal obsession though I pretend to so you won't bombard me any worse. I know you will be pursuing a career with them somehow but I hope you keep your eyes open and reach for the u reachable. It seems my most constant prayer for you lately is that the Holy Spirit would show you how to love yourself so you can completely love others. I also want to fight your journey but I'm always reminded to trust you to Jesus and his call on your life. My advice to you is keep your eye on the prize and laugh more. You never arrive, the journey is life. 

Hazel Basil,

How I love you. How I love being your mommy. If ever God made an easy child, he made you. I wonder what God will do with your bottomless love and empathy and then I remember your answer when Eden asked what you want to be when you grow up "a mommy." Oh my child, what a mommy you will be. I think you could mother a whole orphanage and never run out of love. 

Believe in the talents God has given you and keep that "I can do anything even rollerskate" attitude. You're going to be a golden touch to every life you give to.

Kait,

Hey Love, wow just wow. This year the picture of your future has begun to solidify in my mind so strongly that I simply have no idea what I will do if you change directions. It's rare I'm sure to have a fifth grader who researches the average income of a chosen profession in all of its variations and visits websites of potential colleges but there you are. I love you Kait. You over tax and underestimate yourself but I will never know why. Your hard work and passion and zest for school while balancing it by making time for all of your many friends is stunning. Be kind to yourself love. You are so beautiful inside and out and I never want you to lose your spark.

Growing up

Desiring maturity was never my quest. I'm ashamed to say, pursuing it was thrust upon me out of dire urgency at the ripe old age of 35. We all love to joke about parents of the 70s and 80s just propping their feet up and letting children grow up on their own. But really honestly they didn't. Sure, children of our generation had a lot more personal freedom to roam and play without orchestration or parental intervention but parents were doing all the same things as parents of this generation when it comes down to real nitty gritty. Pushing them to excel in school, restricting TV and video games, warning about dangers of promiscuity... At least mine were. But when I started parenting, I chose to block out all of the work my parents put into raising us and focus on the apparent lack of intervention in my life, telling myself I didn't need to be a helicopter parent because mine weren't. I'm pretty sure most of us look back on our childhood and see it through the eyes of a child but admittedly I probably take more liberties than average. It takes a very deliberate effort or dramatic life event to refocus on something and see it from a different perspective. And so, along came dramatic life events. The stunning realization that your plane on autopilot has an engine falling from the sky and a propeller tilting at a precarious angle. A row of black foreboding dominoes falling in a helpless sequence. And as my child finally sat in a private meeting and confided in another adult that she did not feel unconditional love from either of her parents... I was able to breathe in but not breathe out. I catalogued all of the overwhelming love I have felt for my child in the years of parenting her and saw something scary. Over the years, something crept in and disrupted our love story, frustration, communication barriers, unmet expectations, disappointment and anger. Feelings were all running the show and we were all suffering. I went straight back to my father's unconditional love of me I asked myself lots of questions about what was it he did that made me feel so unconditionally loved? A very imperfect man with a temper like a roaring lion was able to assure me of his unfailing love. How? What was I immaturely and lazily leaving out of parenting? And the word that came to me was nurture. There's still frames in my mind of his acts of love. I have a very lame habit of moaning to people about having four kids and what an emotional suck the four of them are on me. Like little leeches hanging on every side of me bleeding me dry of my will to live. Consequently, I then find myself sucked into a vortex of focusing on the negative. The more dramatically I say it, the more I believe it and the less energy I have, the less passion I have and the less love I have to give. So, I went back to my childhood, and instantly I was laying in bed refusing to get up (just like my own child) and my dad was yelling... Threatening... Dumping ice water on me... Check, check, check. I've done all of those things. Then I remember his reawakening... His shift. And he's very noisily clattering a teacup and saucer and and telling me he's brought me a warm cup of tea with honey. So, I groggily raise myself to a sitting position and hold the cup of tea. This was a brilliant scheme. It was loving, obligating and rousing. Who can go back to sleep after sitting up in bed to drink a cup of tea? There's something very encouraging about these memories. After all, one who loved me so well, made so many of the same mistakes I have and my ultimate take away is still love. So, I started small, I stopped screaming my child out the door every morning and gave her very simple loving boundaries. I told her she had to be in the car by 7:50 or she would have to ride the morning bus for a week. I expounded to her that I love our 5 minutes of alone time each week but if it's not a positive experience for both of us I would give it up. This made an improvement. But I kept having to wake her up earlier and earlier and she's not a morning person. One morning she slipped and admitted she was sleeping in the shower. I could literally feel the fireworks going off in my head I was so angry. So, I announced that she and I would have a cup of tea together every morning before her shower. This worked so well, she shaved 30 minutes off of her morning routine. Then she announced she would rather shower at night. Another 10 minutes saved. And this morning, as we sat on the couch with outr beverages moaning to one another about all of our sore muscles from working out, she laid down and put her head in my lap. I ran my fingers through her silky hair and asked 

"do you feel loved by your parents?" 

She was melted into me and yet I still got a rather teenager reply "sometimes....".

My birthday

They kept asking what I wanted... I kept shrugging and suggesting a cat. Then last night I said "I want Daddy to stay home." He did!! I knew I was wasting his vacation time but it was all I wanted. He ran all over with me playing chauffeur and took me to lunch and suggested Chinese for dinner and napped with me. Then they gave me gifts. So many gifts from everyone. Even friends unexpectedly. And phone calls and happy birthday wishes. Even one FaceTime. I never noticed how happy those make me. Twice I almost replied with "happy birthday to you too." I guess the whole Merry Christmas hasn't worn off yet. I was literally lavished with love. I loved this day. I loved my sweet Jenny showing up with the most delicious cake I've ever had. 

I love my people. I really do.