Dad's Birthday

It's been a long day but now my time is my own. The tears have slipped here and there all day as I babysat and ran to swim and to karate and made cupcakes but now it's just me and me. I can sit and remember being little and adoring my dad. I can summon up memory after memory to make myself cry or else to remember in spite of crying I'm not sure which. I can run his voice through my mind like velvet across my fingers saying all of the things he always said. I can just sit and remember him singing and teaching and working. It's all with me every day like the hum of the refrigerator or the engine in my car but sometimes I like to turn up the volume and just be in it. I'm glad it's been almost two years because I've let it become a part of me now. At first it owned me but now it's just a part of who I am and I've finally learned to love me so I welcome it. I don't need to have anyone support me when I cry anymore. I don't need to apologize when I do cry around someone anymore. It probably doesn't sound like a great place to be, but it is. Because deep down even though I've lost one of the most wonderful treasures of my life, I have joy and I have purpose and I listen to God and I do the little jobs He gives me to show His love to people. I think learning a little more about His love has really opened a window in my heart.
My sweet friend Christine offered her usual amazing gift of compassion to me with a simple note today. I love that about her. Always has a way of understanding and reaching out but keeping it natural. I hope that I learn how to do that someday.
Anyway, me me me. I don't know if Jody and the kids still grieve him so I guess his birthday will now always be about me. Mercy. I guess I really am a narcissist but I have always worried about that because I leave my blog public. There's no hope for this girl. LOL!