I think the one thing that everyone who has ever met me would agree on is that they know more about me than is average and probably more than they are comfortable with. I literally spill myself on the world. For better or worse. You've probably seen me cry over aborted babies, unfairly pitied people, my dad and maybe even the confederate flag. You've probably seen me lose my temper over an interpretation of scripture, my kids socks on the dining table, the destruction of religious freedom or how a teacher phrased something to me. You've probably seen me get drunk on two beers or a dastardly combination of champagne and anything because champagne is my kryptonite, and you most likely know that I never finished high school. In a world of steady progress and tractable predictability, I'm the flubber in the room, bouncing higher and getting crazier with each passing moment. I know that you watch me and you see all of that stuff you manage to so carefully contain in yourself spraying all over the place from me like silly string and you think "Wow, Elizabeth is such a hot mess. How does she live that kind of passion all day every day?" I'm not sure if my wrecking ball approach to life actually helps me hear God speaking to me or not but you know I just have to work with what I've got. Being an extreme person with my sins on display leads me to repentance regularly. One day last week, I was just on a rampage. I replayed the latest Elizabeth explosion in my mind like a movie reel to the Holy Spirit and asked him "what can you do with that girl?" He simply said "I can make you gentle." My hopeless judgement of myself melted away. Just knowing that He's got more planned in my heart is all I needed to hear. The time is not up yet. I kind of think God's work in my life is like that Pink Panther episode where the little guy is painting a room blue as fast as he can and Pink Panther is painting it pink again right behind him even faster. The scenes change and Pink Panther switches the paint buckets and the little guy is painting pink without realizing it and he switches back to blue but while he's gone the whole room is pinked again and whatever tactic he takes the Pink Panther is always one step ahead of him and he's never going to get it all blue. I get sinful or just full of myself and start going on some charge and I'm always full tilt!! there's no stopping me until I hit empty and for some holy gracious reason God is busily working on my heart faster than I can go in my selfish behavior. He's talking so fast and filling me up with things he's got planned for me to do so quickly that while I do have a mess of blue paint all over me, I kinda helplessly accept that His plan really is simply fabulous. I am fully aware that nobody is jealous of this crazy picture I'm painting for you of the inside my heart. But I've made peace with it. I don't hate myself or crack down on myself anymore. As a matter of fact, I think if I lived a quiet life under the radar and nobody knew about all of my sins, it would be easier to get comfortable and just not grow closer to God. If I never looked drunk. If nobody knew I was angry. If I never wrote a blog about how hard marriage can be sometimes. If I never admitted that I've destroyed friendships and abandoned them when it hurt too much or I went too far. If I never said "I lost all faith in God when I watched my dad die." If I didn't blurt it out like I do, I'm not sure I'd be as vulnerable to the Holy Spirit and I'm not sure I'd let Him in to heal me as easily. By the same token, I'll readily agree that a lot of people exhibiting self control aren't faking it or ignoring conviction of sins, they're just ahead of me or working on something else but somehow I think everyone knows that I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about the ones who are either a hot mess like me or the ones who try not to stand out or draw attention or make intentional efforts to bend to Gods will because they're convincing themselves nobody will notice if they just steer clear of telltale messy blue paint out in public. Let me tell you, He does notice and He wants your heart. You have great value in His plan. You might feel a little aimless and lost like you don't know what He wants from you or what you're supposed to be doing. But all you need to do is ask Him to show you what He can do with you and it will blow your mind. I know, you thought I was going to tell you to repent first right? Because everyone gets those backwards. Jesus healed people and showed them their future first, then he warned them not to lose sight of it and stink things up with sin. That's what He always does with me. He tells me to do something and gets me rolling in the right direction and full of hope and value and all motivated and he high fives me and says "you did it! You listened! You obeyed!" And I get so happy and high and then he points at one of my sins and he's like "and don't do that, it hurts people." And I look at it kind of startled and I'm like "oh yeah that was not my best work (damn blue paint)."But I can take it because He already showed me my value and I believe Him and blue paint can be painted over. (No this is not a metaphor about my lovely aqua house that the HOA hates.)
