Parenting

My mom called yesterday and asked how the kids are doing. I rattled off my pre-teen's five latest stunts, rambled about how sweet the others are and stopped for breath. She sighed and commented that it's rather bittersweet how each child seems to pull us close and push us away at different times and you're always seeming to feel closest to a different child. I love that she had four kids and can really relate to so many things with me. Then she said a bunch of nonsense about how proud she is of my wise handling of everything. I was like a deer in the headlights. I mean Mom knows me. She knows google is my guide. She knows I have to have people explain every single social decorum to me three different ways before I actually get it.  I think, when I look around that parenting seems to be this beautiful natural evolution for other people. Somehow they have intuitions, instincts, experiences and knowledge to guide them. In recent years, this used to intimidate me which would in turn bring out my ugly side. The catty judgmental side. But that's exhausting. So after I got really tired from all of the judging, and excuse making for my ineptitude I realized I was humbled. Being humbled is something God has made a hobby of gifting me with. I know he sees something great in me or else why bother right? Wink wink! Anyway, as I've stumbled through every stage of parenting, always seeming to google the least important facets of the stage I'm in, I finally developed a new way of surviving. Yes, I literally google the sentence my kids say that leaves me curled in the fetal position and find out what "experts" think I should do. I spill it to my trusted friends and find out what they would do. Then I just kinda go limp and let it all wash over me while I scroll up and down my meaningless Facebook newsfeed because it's my guilty pleasure. I mean, that's the profoundly unprofound thing I've learned. Reacting is stressful. I feel like I'm playing the part of a mother in a movie nowadays. My oldest doesn't know what to do with me. She's spent 12 years perfecting the art of getting Mom's goat and now I just hopefully appear incredibly bored and distracted offering nothing more than a benign smile while my mind feverishly races around for a steam valve. I think of the people who come by this naturally and gaze into their child's defiant face with measured calm who maybe really are that calm inside and yes I'm jealous. Playing a part is not the same thing. The other half isn't a part. I try to savor the beautiful moments with her and bless her with approval and acceptance.  She has decided not to believe in God. Every single time she drops that bomb I feel my stomach lurch. Faith is something she has overanalyzed her whole childhood and it used to worry me so bad.  Even now as I write about it my mind is like a rat in a maze trying to figure out whether she says it to manipulate, as a desperate plea for attention or because she's truly conflicted. But deep down I know that I can only love her and let her take this journey. I think I stopped worrying per se about it sometime after Dad died and I stepped into Jesus love. That was when I realized my whole life of professing faith and belief had really been just a time of seed planting. I hadn't known Him. I didn't deny him like she is but I misunderstood faith for sure. I remember being out for a walk with a friend when I was pregnant with Hazel and casually stating that I wasn't sure I was saved. She was floored and told me once you're saved, you're always saved. I laughed her off and told her I'd been baptized twice and spent a life floating closer and further from God and wouldn't blame Him for sending me to hell at some of those points. I hadn't really known Him. Well, now I really do and I can't imagine one of my children spending their whole lives never knowing Him and if declaring an independence of Him is what someone needs to do for her journey, her story, her peace, then who am I to shame that or argue it? Additionally, if a 12 year old is guided primarily by emotions, what is the real purpose in trying to control her spiritual course? The gifts and callings of God are without repentance. My mom spoke that over me for 34 years before I had a real experience of what it meant to be His child. I think I can give my kids that much. It's funny how you can have all of your own stuff going on with people you know, unforgiveness, anger, judgement etc... then look at your child and tell them not to. I had to let go of one of my closest friendships this year. It felt like I cut my arm off. I still think about it and wish I had done things better, been a better friend, been kinder, been gentler, more intuitive, lived grace vibrantly. But deep down, I have to accept my journey. Know that I'm not there. I'm fragile. I'm not complete. I believe that God will be faithful to complete a good work in me. I believe that he will do the same for my kids. And I believe that He will give me the self control to avoid inhibiting their journeys. I try to pray for each of them several times per day and trust God with the process.

little of this and that

This morning I woke Nick up for his first ever day of soccer camp. He loves soccer so I was rather dismayed to find him completely unwilling to go. I poked and prodded and maneuvered and leveraged and got him in the car to go around the block to it because he declared he would be too tired to ride his bike home this afternoon. I started my nonsensical chatter about camp and rambled on about how great and new and exciting... then he added "and scary". I looked up and realized he was nervous and was coming off as grumpy and tired. I was able to turn things around in our three minute drive and then when we arrived at the soccer field and all of these awesome soccer players from England and Scotland and Ireland started speaking and Nick started glowing. I wish I had a reason to stay all day in the shade with a water bottle and my kindle.

Yesterday I came home from a girls weekend and found that Jody had finished my new flower bed. It's going to be the herb garden. I'm very excited about it even though it doesn't look exciting to a person expecting to see herbs. Jody tried to teach me how to lay the bottom layer so I could actually be a productive piece of this project but I only managed to lay stones in a terrible meandering line that he had to redo. I hope I was somewhat helpful but I really don't know. All I do know, is that I hugged him and told him he was amazing because he is. He just went and bought some special saw blade and started cutting pavers like a pro. He's that kind of guy. Whatever he decides to do is just a process. Whatever I decide to do seems to be either practice or an expensive education.

About the girls weekend... It's the first one I've ever been on aside from going with my sister to a marathon in AZ one time. I know, I'm behind the times. It was really special though. I kinda botched Jenny's big 4-0 a couple of years ago and she unknowingly gave me a do over chance when she texted me a random "I want to go out with a bunch of friends for my birthday, should we do Whimsy?" Let me just say that Jenny and I did once do Whimsy with some friends and it was fun in a very self deprecating kind of way where you make fun of yourself the entire time because you are doing something you have no gift or talent for and with painting you do hit a point of no return.  I redirected her and asked her to go big or go home and she did and we did and it was so fun and unforgettable. We rode in rickshaws. We went to wine and cheese at a gorgeous wine bar and had dinner at the girliest champagne bar with chandeliers and white couches. We checked out an underground lounge which was awesome in my opinion. We hit a techno dance club and danced so long my calves ache now and honestly I don't know how to dance or whether I looked like Elaine from Seinfeld or not but I didn't care and those girls made me laugh. It was great.  I walked away from that night educated. People challenged me to think about things in new lights, they made me laugh till my belly hurt and they showed me beauty. I have such admiration for the kinds of people Jenny has chosen to surround herself with. Our night wasn't perfect which is what made it perfect. I've left out the secrets because after all, that's what creates a sisterhood. The parts that you laugh at and cringe together over and retell each other too many times not knowing why. I think the best part of the night was when Jenny told me she looked around at all of the friends she loves best and people she had always wanted to get to know who showed up and she got a little teary knowing they came just for her. I thought man, that's really cool. Everyone needs to have that at least once in their life.