They keep me in the game

I cried a lot today. I try not to most days but I think it creates explosive cloudbursts. I dealt with serious issues. Taxes. Meeting with the principal. Painting my bedroom lamps. Ok that wasn't actually serious. My sister forwarded me a voicemail of my dad wishing her a happy birthday that I couldn't possibly listen to. I made chicken pot pie and cried all the way through it. Jody crowded me in the kitchen trying to figure out why I was crying and what he could do. I pressed on and tore the crust in half and pressed it together and rolled it again. Then I took a bath and cried while it cooked. 

I prayed, cried, fretted, cried, fretted.... I thought about my dad. I yelled at my kids and comforted myself with the fact that Dad yelled too.  I had too much wine. I bemoaned the lack of chocolate in my house. The three big kids happily and raucously made blondies. They made me smile and pointed out to me that I was smiling. I handed Hazel her special blankie with her name on it. She wrapped it around her like a cape and curled on my chest and fell asleep by the fire. I laid her in my bed and of course thought about how my dad loved it when his babies slept with them.  I stared at her perfection and imagined my dad with one of us when he was missing his dad. I wish it had comforted me but it just made me cry for mommies who have babies with cancer or no food to feed them. I cried for moms and dads whose little girls have been stolen for sex slavery. I cried for widows and widowers. I cried for kids with no parents to love as I loved my dad. I cried for caregivers watching a precious loved one slipping away and I tried so hard to find my happy place. Instead I found a headache and a heartache because in this moment I'm wrapped up in the pain of this world not eternity. This world really hurts when it's not looked at from a birds eye view.