Tonight after I snapped at my husband over nothing and gave a few short bursts of "brush your teeth" and "why are your dresser drawers hanging open" my oldest hugged me and said "I'm sorry I made you mad tonight." It was so hard to hear those words. So hard to have my failures stare at me in the face and say "See! See what you're doing with your words!" She didn't make me mad tonight. It's my greatest fault as a person. I'm reactionary, mean, insensitive, blunt and it always always always comes back around to haunt me. I told a neighbor how we feel worried that we practically treat her son like our own being strict with him when he doesn't listen and she turned around and said "Jackson, Mr. Jody says you don't listen to him. I want you to apologize." Well, sure I guess I used those words but I didn't mean them that way and yet... they've come right back at me. My words just circle and wait to land. Sometimes as the exact words I said which can be very very bad and sometimes... something much worse which to a person like me is just devastating. I think if a person on the receiving end of my awful tongue could be in my shoes for a few minutes after I realize what I've done they would prefer their own. I can't quite express how broken I become when I realize it's happened again. I always have something on the tip of my tongue or something burning to be written. I feel somewhat jealous of the avox's in Hunger Games. They have no worries about the fire in their mouths. No dread of the day they will alienate another friend or hurt their own child irreparably with selfish unkind words. No agonizing that they've crossed a line with someone dear. No days of crying over another stupid horrible thing they've said. Nothing. Just silence. Like me and my pandora. Pandora has replaced my tv shows, my internet surfing, my world. It soothes me. I need it like wine or chocolate or gin and tonics. It silences me and calms me and makes me feel normal. Do you think it would be strange if I wore my headphones everywhere and just smiled blankly at everyone who talks to me? I think it might fix some of my "issues." Like when that crazy b*^&% in the Target parking lot told me to keep a better eye on my kids and I strode over to her car and screamed "Do you know what your problem is?!!? Do you know?!? You have COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE ME!!!!" Wait... maybe I was the crazy b*&^%! On the other hand, God puts some people on this earth to balance my presence. Nick said to me as he laid in bed "Mom, I'm going to say something to you that I say every night, (long pause) I love you... I mean I heart you." The power, the power of those words. He's like a magician with words. I feel wrapped in love when he speaks. He speaks and I feel everything release. He loves me so completely. He is my closest living match to what Christ's love is like. He tells me I'm wonderful every single day, no matter how I fail him. I think he really believes I'm a perfect mother for now which I wish I could just enjoy but it covers me with guilt. (tears streaming down my face right now)
A random disconnected note to parents of toddlers. It's been on my mind and I want you to know this even though you will not take it to heart. Nobody takes advice to heart. It's a complete waste of time. If you are not a schedule oriented person, do not put your toddlers into activities on a schedule. Just play and savor it. I cannot stress this enough. When they are in school there will be so many schedules you will never be able to buy that time back. If you can stand to be unscheduled, do it. It's your only chance unless you homeschool (which would put me on top of a tall building ready to step off). I'm so glad I did that when my older three were younger because my life is ruled by my calendar now and it's beyond stifling. It's literally suffocating. Just put me out there on the trampoline in 100 degree weather and cover me with a wool blanket. This isn't me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm literally barely coping (although watching Kait hit a ball pitched to her and not off the tee was somewhat worth it all tonight...). I have no idea what I expected of parenting four kids but it's mind numbing and I have very few people to relate to (yes I just compared the number of my children to everyone else's). I am this person hanging onto the edge of sanity trying to understand what I'm doing wrong and why it seems like everyone else is pretty much making it. I told Jody tonight that I'm a little puzzled by the cycle of life requiring that we do this nonstop for 18 years for each and every child we bring into the world. No breaks, no vacation time, nothing. This is it, hard core. Why did my parents make it look so... moment by moment. So matter of course. It's like I'm searching for air every second of my existence. It took forever to get the kids to bed tonight and then after all of that effort, Hazel popped into my bedroom at 10:30 with a blanket, pillow and huge triumphant smile which Jody found quite amusing. I just stared at her like a unicorn and told her "I will still have some down time and you will sleep. It will happen. I will make it happen and get your hands off my phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But the reality is life would be nothing without them. Nothing. My children complete me, amaze me, fascinate me, love me and bless me. They bless me every single day in the midst of my wailing and insecurities and weaknesses. I guess I just wish I were better. Kinder. Gentler. More patient. More loving. More involved. More interested in their little doings. More generous. More compassionate. More energetitc. More playful. Less stressed.
COTU
A random disconnected note to parents of toddlers. It's been on my mind and I want you to know this even though you will not take it to heart. Nobody takes advice to heart. It's a complete waste of time. If you are not a schedule oriented person, do not put your toddlers into activities on a schedule. Just play and savor it. I cannot stress this enough. When they are in school there will be so many schedules you will never be able to buy that time back. If you can stand to be unscheduled, do it. It's your only chance unless you homeschool (which would put me on top of a tall building ready to step off). I'm so glad I did that when my older three were younger because my life is ruled by my calendar now and it's beyond stifling. It's literally suffocating. Just put me out there on the trampoline in 100 degree weather and cover me with a wool blanket. This isn't me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm literally barely coping (although watching Kait hit a ball pitched to her and not off the tee was somewhat worth it all tonight...). I have no idea what I expected of parenting four kids but it's mind numbing and I have very few people to relate to (yes I just compared the number of my children to everyone else's). I am this person hanging onto the edge of sanity trying to understand what I'm doing wrong and why it seems like everyone else is pretty much making it. I told Jody tonight that I'm a little puzzled by the cycle of life requiring that we do this nonstop for 18 years for each and every child we bring into the world. No breaks, no vacation time, nothing. This is it, hard core. Why did my parents make it look so... moment by moment. So matter of course. It's like I'm searching for air every second of my existence. It took forever to get the kids to bed tonight and then after all of that effort, Hazel popped into my bedroom at 10:30 with a blanket, pillow and huge triumphant smile which Jody found quite amusing. I just stared at her like a unicorn and told her "I will still have some down time and you will sleep. It will happen. I will make it happen and get your hands off my phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But the reality is life would be nothing without them. Nothing. My children complete me, amaze me, fascinate me, love me and bless me. They bless me every single day in the midst of my wailing and insecurities and weaknesses. I guess I just wish I were better. Kinder. Gentler. More patient. More loving. More involved. More interested in their little doings. More generous. More compassionate. More energetitc. More playful. Less stressed.
COTU
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