Can I really confess?

Is it even possible to articulate the space between the rapture and mind bending end of my patience with my children? If I found a way to, would you judge me? I can only say yes. Because I'm firmly convinced that nobody else goes through this. I think you all have your ups and downs with your kids but I am sure that I'm the only one seeing stars whether I've just screamed myself dizzy or held my breath too long counting. On the other hand, am I the only one staring in rapt fascination as Kaitlyn forms her expressive mouth into a word, Eden tells me a funny joke or Nick says "amazing" as he stares at something I've baked. No, I'm sure that the happy side and the middle are shared by us all.
This morning I had laid out a set of clothing for Eden, handed her a towel when she got out of the shower and run downstairs to where Kait was in the bath other bath because Eden hates baths and Kaitlyn hates showers. I shampooed, conditioned and brushed Kaits hair, dried her off and procured seasonally appropriate clothing for her. I went back up to the middle floor. Yeah, that's why I have such a girlish figure... or not. I started their lunches, I got cereal bowls out and then asked Eden where she was. There was no reply. I continued, Kaitlyn sat down with her chosen cereal as usual, ready WAY before Eden. I yelled up to Eden that I needed to know what kind of cereal she wanted. No reply. I yelled again after making the peanut butter sandwiches. No reply. How many minutes had transpired... twenty... thirty? I walked up half a flight of stairs and there she was, not a stitch of clothing, hair dripping wet on end with a shirt in her hands. It was not the shirt I had laid out. I felt that vein throbbing in the side of my forehead. She told me she wasn't going to wear that outfit and couldn't find her "skinny" jeans. She brushed past me downstairs and found them folded in a laundry basket. I'll clarify that she turned 8 yesterday. No, she is not 15 or 17 or 18. I did not hold my breath and count! I railed in a most unbecoming fashion. It wasn't patient or kind or understanding and I broke the rule of "don't ask why" that I like to preach. I asked her what she had been doing that WHOLE time up there! When she told me "looking for my skinny jeans" I thought I was going to collapse, I was definitely dizzy. Not because a person should never look for their skinny jeans, but if your jeans are not in the drawer and they're not hanging in the closet, it's time to move on ya know? How does a person spend 20 or possibly 30 minutes looking in the same two spots for a pair of jeans? Eden ate her cereal in about 30 seconds. I swept the other two children out the front door to the car but my phone was ringing and Eden was of course still putting her shoes on and stopped to answer it. (It would be well for all parents of 2 or less children to take note of how easy it is to handle just two children and how impossible it becomes with 3). I buckled Nick, counted to 1! and started screaming again. No response from the house. I marched in, took the phone away and propelled her out to the car, wondering how I will make it another 10 years of this. I just don't think so. It's just not for me. I was good with diapers and burping and all of that jazz, but a diva? No, I cannot handle a diva. THEN, the revelation tonight. It turned out that after struggling against a rash on Eden's face since July of which we have been through hoops over that there had been a transgression. I have banned all things from her face, I have thrown away her toothpaste, I have gotten countless creams, ointments, trips to the doctor and the expensive dermatologist. We've considered food allergy, impetigo, perioral dermatitis, kleenex with lotion... I can't even remember what all we've been through with this, several things multiple times where I would prohibit something and she'd forget or just disobey because she wanted to be glittery etc... and finally, recently I had it almost but not quite gone and then a couple of days ago boom, starts turning red and itching again. I was reading online AGAIN tonight, just going over everything again. Telling Jody this one person had finally beaten the perioral dermatitis by avoiding mouthwash, regular toothpaste, regular shampoo and regular conditioner. I idly mentioned that I had told Eden to cease mouthwash weeks ago and Jody said "no, she was using it last night!" Instantly I felt my mouth go dry, that helpless feeling that no matter how hard I try, Eden will never work with me to make that infernal rash go away. I lost it again. Screaming, railing about her never getting rid of the rash, telling her to go dump out the entire bottle of mouthwash, on and on and on...
In summary, ll I can think is that, God had a special purpose in giving me Eden. Not just because she's a fabulous person and has unlimited potential but because she pushes me in the most indescribable way to the point that I really don't know how to speak clearly let alone think clearly sometimes. How can we get to the point that she's a healthy whole person when she's grown without being damaged by me? How will I empower her to her greatest potential without squashing her spirit? How will I ensure that we can be great friends when she's grown and talk to each other about everything? I think the real kicker is that Nick is so manageable. Kait stresses me a little but Eden has taken me to the edge of my mind since she turned a year old. So these things continue to roll around in my suspiciously warped brain, and they've been confessed now. It will change nothing I suppose. I'll just hope that Eden will read my blog someday and know how much I love her and forgive me, like in that Francine Rivers book I just read. It always turns out happy in the end right?

Today was beautiful in it's own way

When you're a mother of three and all of the kids are sick, you don't think of it as an opportunity for a great day, but it was. Eden cried while holding her pain ridden head in her hands the second she got out of bed, Nick's fever continued to rocket and plummet, he puked on both of the couches and though it's terrible to say, Kaitlyn was the most positively affected because the cold settled in her throat and her voice was impaired to the point that she did not shatter my eardrum for a whole day.Woohoo! Bonus! Just because I'm a glutton for punishment, I declared no TV for the day to boot. You have now decided that my title and opening comments are sickeningly sarcastic. Aha! You are wrong! Eden and Kait were weak and I'm glad I didn't let them go to school but as the day progressed, they felt better and played a grand total of 10 board games in one day including four hilarious rounds of twister! The girls had the energy but Nick was still just laying near them, so they made him a giant pallet on the floor and rigged a roof over it for him, so being sick would be more sensational, which I loved and thought was terribly sweet. On top of that, Eden started reading a book and became so engrossed, I saw her standing at the kitchen counter on one foot with the other propped on her leg, reading it while she waited for something. It was like looking in the mirror at myself when I was 8. Nick was the sad part of the day because he wasn't on the mend until after 4, so I held him when he asked me to hold him and bathed him when he puked, and washed several loads of laundry and prayed for him because he's such a tiny thing. When Jody got home, Kaitlyn had just spelled doctor with the sandpaper letters missing only the second "o" which I thought was very cool and Nick was begging everyone to play Hungry Hungry Hippos. It was just good in so many ways. I'm a lucky, lucky woman to have the freedom to take care of my kids on a sick day without worrying about all of the things that so many Moms do have to worry about. May God help me always see His blessings, know them for what they are and give Him all of the glory. He so obviously loves my family and me very much.

A bouquet

Tonight I sit and glance frequently at a bouquet of roses on my dining table. They're a symbol of what Jody and I would love to be able to give to Michelle today. She turned 19. She has reached the age of being allowed to search and find her birth parents if she so desires. Jody has spent months agonizing over what to write to her. I think his greatest fear is that she may somehow feel that she was rejected by him when every selfish part of his being wanted to renig on the whole adoption and keep her. In light of the sacrificial decisions that Jody and Karen had to make and the impact it had on them personally, I believe that Michelle is grateful to them. Not a single night passes that her name doesn't cross my girls lips. Not a day passes that the single photo we have of her isn't perused. I remember the day that Eden smuggled the picture to school and told all of the students and teachers that it was a picture of her sister and her dad had adopted her, in typical backwards kindergarten communication. When she came home I found the picture and she started to vent to me about the teachers pestering her with so many questions about Michelle. Poor dear, didn't even know what an interesting story that would be to a teacher. I remember when the full impact reached her of why she couldn't call Michelle, and as she processed, she asked if we were going to adopt her to another family. I felt my heart squeeze as she made these logical leaps in her mind. It's such a difficult concept for a child to grasp. I spent so much time explaining to them why Michelle had a different family and all the while I wondered if I might be echoing Michelle's own mother through the years as she raised a little red headed angel that she loved more than life itself. Perhaps she would have been able to give me some pointers. Still, the never ceasing burning inside of both Eden and Kait to meet Michelle amazes me. I think they feel her if that's possible. So Michelle, wherever you are, we've prayed for you. Jody for 19 years and me for the 10 years I've known your sweet face. We've prayed for your peace, your joy, your faith and that you could feel not only your own family's love, but ours as well. God willing, maybe someday we will meet and see for ourselves that you've been sheltered in His wing and called according to His purpose.

Whimsy

I plunked Nick onto the bed after his bath and the towel fell around him. He held his hands up and examined his fingers with a serious concentration. Without even making eye contact with me, he said "my fingers are old..." and then glancing at his feet he said "and my feet are old too." I wonder why it's always such a special interest for me when one of my children exclaims over things that were a particular fascination for me as a child. I feel connected to them, like time doesn't separate our childhoods. That simple purity and happiness.
Kait's favorite question for me these days is "MOM! How many times do I have to tell you?" Her mouth looks like she just sucked on a lemon with a devilish smile curving the edges as she relates her entire 3 hours of school every day. I have a standard line of questions for her. "Did you learn how to spell banana yet? Did you learn how to read a chapter book yet?" and then I just kind of throw in some randoms. She cracks me up. Today she told me there's going to be a new boy in class. I told her in sanctimonious tones that I HOPED she would tell him right away that she's not allowed to have a boyfriend yet, like she had told all of the other boys. She smirked and told me she hadn't had to tell any boys any such thing.
Eden is the enigma. I had been watching her school focus slipping for a couple of weeks and the red marks in the Friday folder seemed to be reflecting her homework attitude. I don't love it, but she has always been one of those children that needs me to metaphorically grab her by the collar and drag her up and go "drill sergeant" every so often. I told her that I was prohibiting any tv during the week and I expected her test results to reflect her abilities, ra ra ra ra. I talked about the difference between people with potential and people with potential and drive. Ra ra ra ra ra. She gave me a winning smile and told me it really didn't matter because she's going to be a rock star when she grows up. Somehow, as I usually do with Eden, I completely forgot I was talking to a second grader. "Do you have any idea what it takes to be a successful rock star? You need a general knowledge of several instruments, you need to know how to read and write music. You have to take voice lessons. You have to be willing to work your heart out! If you want to be a rock star, you are going to have to work for that dream!" Eden stared at me... blink, blink, blink. "Well, I was thinking I'd take over for Hannah Montana if she wants to quit sometime." Can you see my body wilting?
I will say that the papers in the Friday folder were wonderful this past week but I'm not saying that I honestly think anything I did was right. I feel like parenting is just this blindfolded experiment for me. Sometimes I guess things correctly, sometimes... not so much.
Then there's those deep moments with Eden. We were talking about the beautiful scarves Daniel brought from Afghanistan because I saw a woman wearing one. Eden asked me if she was a bad person or a good one. I told her I had no idea and hadn't even thought of that when I saw her, I just wanted to point out that she had a shamash like ours. Eden watched her and said "I don't really care what religion people are, I'll be friends with anyone." It melted me to hear such a natural acceptance of people. I agreed with her and we talked about many different people we know with many different beliefs. I told her that she was smart to understand so early that we should respect people no matter what their religion or creed is but we also need to remember what the difference is between a Christian and people of other beliefs. I gave her a minute and she said "well, we believe in Jesus." and I said "and..." She sat there for a minute and said "they believe in something else." I waited and said "and how does that affect their eternity?" She looked kind of confused so I said, "When we die, we'll go to heaven with Jesus, but someone who denies Him...." She looked rather bleak and said "won't." I felt the great conversation sinking and wanted to lift it back up. I reminded her that is why we're supposed to be a light and salt to all of the earth, so others would want to know Jesus too. She smiled and nodded but I could see the weight. A new responsibility and knowledge of a truth now sat on her shoulders. But that's reality I guess, it seems daunting to me most days too. And if that's her toughest reality, she's a lucky child in this old world full of pain and suffering. One nice thing about Eden, is one conversation about something and it's done. She's got it. So, now we can go to the pumpkin farm, have a birthday party and visit with grandparents without a care in the world other than the lost souls who we must pray for and love without judgment or condemnation.