Created anew

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://www.bible.com/116/eph.2.10.nlt
Three hours alone will make you wonder things... like whether your whole life will be a relationship life lesson or if you can get it over with in 40 years and spend the rest spreading joy. This week has been a shattering experience for me personally. Sounds dramatic but it’s just the simple truth. After ten years of trying to be a family with my siblings and trying to be a better human and trying to set healthy boundaries which make me a better human I was again reduced to being labeled with every sin I’ve ever committed with some humdinger bonus sins I have never considered logical or tempting. I am a very polarizing person so... I always tell myself things like I deserve it in the long run or I’m not very many peoples cup of tea, or sundry other things. But that’s not what God wanted to tell me. He wanted to tell me I’m made new and I’m a masterpiece... and I was made to do good things. And seriously I’m trying so hard to do good things. I’m literally confronting myself on an hourly basis here. But the past sins are a bit like a cacaphony of echoes that I can’t hear Him over sometimes.
I always wonder if I’m doing the good things, the particular ones I was made for. What masterpiece am I and where do I belong? Which good thing is He leaning His elbow on in a most suggestive way? As I stand in a sea of knee deep failures looking for the good thing, I’ve concluded what I knew all along. It’s my dear ones. And sometimes there’s a price. Sometimes you need to let go of toxic relationships so you can do the job right. Sometimes you need to care less about work or school so the dear ones can succeed. Sometimes you even need to sacrifice serving at church so you can make Sunday morning a peaceful ritual in a life of rat racing. It seems doing the good things that God made me for long long ago... can get get lost in the shuffle of doing the other things. And honestly, I’m far from an example to anyone but I’m celebrating whatever good I can think of when I look at my day because it’s something. Today I chose to speak respectfully to my son. I chose to hold my frustration with my child/navigator to a half rant. I took a special lunch to the one who had no parent on her field trip. I drove my little debaters to Congress and sat in the car for three hours hoping they loved every second. In the middle of many sad things in this season of life, I cannot forget the good things I was made to do which was planned long ago. Nor can I get away from the word masterpiece. To think that with all of my mistakes and imperfections, I’m created anew to be the masterpiece mother for my children and wife for my man. 

Christmas

I don't know where it comes from but somewhere inside of me is a Brunhilda. Somehow I believe I'm a monster and I'm always trying to cage her. I'd called a meeting with my manager Thomas and the center manager Brett and I felt no intimidation despite my size and lack of title.
The tension between Thomas and I had finally hit the boiling point days before, resulting in me telling him fuck you and him sending me home. It was of course the very thing that my flesh thrives on. I love the thrill of sticking it to the man and making a small man look smaller in front of the world. I love the bows from the UPS drivers calling me a legend, an icon, their idol. But along with those fleshly thrills the voice of the Holy Spirit was asking me to be humbled. So I avoided every conversation and shook my head reminding people I had been wrong.  He was reminding me who I belong to and he was calling me to again set the bar for my manager to treat people like people without fanfare or disrespect.
I leaned forward and stared into his eyes. I said "Thomas, there's a part of you I love and a part of you I want to kill. I think we pushed each other to an ugly point. Frankly I don't like being that kind of person and I hope you don't either. This drama has started impacting other parts of my life and I chose this job hoping for a simple non-dramatic environment. I'm now forced to decide whether to give up this job and move on or see if you and I can find a peaceful resolution. I wrote a letter to HR... (I watched his face blanch and paused a little longer to make him sweat) but I haven't sent it yet. I'd like to give you the chance to explain yourself. I feel like you specifically target me. I'd like for you to speak to that."
Thomas made some pathetic excuses about my bad timing and how I just happened to always be his final straw causing Brett to stare at me in abject horror. Brett had read my letter already and I know for a fact that he knew I should send it and yet hoped I wouldn't because of the havoc it would wreak right before Christmas rush shipping. After Thomas had stepped all over himself admitting he treats me more poorly than the average UPS grunt which is pretty terrible and I had pointed out methods he could use for treating people better when he's stressed, I negotiated the freedom to leave work for school at my discretion, wrenched a promise from Thomas to stop targeting me, told them I would think it all over and left Thomas to the mercy of Brett. Striking the balance of not crushing Thomas and giving the grace for him to learn and grow was so hard. Staying there after the way he had disrespected me so many times and treated me so poorly had pushed me to the point of tears twice and explosion several times. But I knew what God wanted. He wanted me to sit in that and grow and be a force for change because I can. Over the next few weeks I saw my freedom at work blossom and I was able to help people the way management should. I could float from unload to a truck with a struggling loader. I could run errands all over the building giving people relief. People started calling me sunshine. My positivity had dimmed in the months that I wrestled with how to handle Thomas but I was back. By floating around the building I learned everyones stories. I was amazed to learn that I worked with a real rodeo star who does calf roping all over the country, a new chiropractor who will be opening his practice in Erie soon, a former CU Buff football player and a competitve shooter who competes with dual pistols. Knowing these people and their stories made work interesting again. It connected me to them. I was able to learn how to use my knowledge for the good of the employees. An autistic boy who was being bullied became the darling of the unload. A new seasonal girl got hired on permanently who was struggling to make ends meet. But on Christmas Eve it all sank in for me. I was working next to a new girl extracting her tale and feeling the old gut punch. She had relocated from Miami, orignially from Haiti and her apartment hadn't panned out so she was living in an extended stay hotel by DIA taking an Uber to work every night in Longmont. I could see the worry in her face. I was overhwhelmed by her need and humbled by the blessings I live in. I asked if they'd ever turned her away and sent her home when we had too many employees and she nodded tightly. Just then Dave one of the sups walked by and asked me how badly I wanted to be at work. I rolled my eyes and said "Is that a trick question? it's Christmas Eve." He gave me a raw window into how hard his job is and said "they're making me cut someone and I hate to send these new people home over and over." Having just heard such a hard story I instantly agreed to go home even though I knew I was easily losing $100. As I left the building I popped my head into Thomas' office to drop off Christmas cookies for the team from some sweet ladies in Erie and mentioned her. I didn't go into her problems or share too much. I just suggested that any time he had to cut her, to try to do it before she came because she was Ubering from DIA. Thomas looked stricken and I connected with him in that moment knowing how hard it must be to manage a team of people with such heart wrenching stories. I wondered what she would do on Christmas but knew I hadn't build enough relationship for her to come to my house. A couple days after Christmas I saw him cut 6 people and then I saw her show up an hour late and he kept her.
My Christmas was lovely. I was cozy with my people, watching grateful children enthuse over our gifts and cooking and baking and relaxing and watching Christmas movies. It was like most other Christmases aside from the year my dad died. I'm grateful to feel connected to the real world with real struggles nowadays. I'm motivated to up my game and be a bigger force of God's love to the one's in need. It's an awkward path requiring me to work on my rudimentary social skills but worth it.