Christmas

I don't know where it comes from but somewhere inside of me is a Brunhilda. Somehow I believe I'm a monster and I'm always trying to cage her. I'd called a meeting with my manager Thomas and the center manager Brett and I felt no intimidation despite my size and lack of title.
The tension between Thomas and I had finally hit the boiling point days before, resulting in me telling him fuck you and him sending me home. It was of course the very thing that my flesh thrives on. I love the thrill of sticking it to the man and making a small man look smaller in front of the world. I love the bows from the UPS drivers calling me a legend, an icon, their idol. But along with those fleshly thrills the voice of the Holy Spirit was asking me to be humbled. So I avoided every conversation and shook my head reminding people I had been wrong.  He was reminding me who I belong to and he was calling me to again set the bar for my manager to treat people like people without fanfare or disrespect.
I leaned forward and stared into his eyes. I said "Thomas, there's a part of you I love and a part of you I want to kill. I think we pushed each other to an ugly point. Frankly I don't like being that kind of person and I hope you don't either. This drama has started impacting other parts of my life and I chose this job hoping for a simple non-dramatic environment. I'm now forced to decide whether to give up this job and move on or see if you and I can find a peaceful resolution. I wrote a letter to HR... (I watched his face blanch and paused a little longer to make him sweat) but I haven't sent it yet. I'd like to give you the chance to explain yourself. I feel like you specifically target me. I'd like for you to speak to that."
Thomas made some pathetic excuses about my bad timing and how I just happened to always be his final straw causing Brett to stare at me in abject horror. Brett had read my letter already and I know for a fact that he knew I should send it and yet hoped I wouldn't because of the havoc it would wreak right before Christmas rush shipping. After Thomas had stepped all over himself admitting he treats me more poorly than the average UPS grunt which is pretty terrible and I had pointed out methods he could use for treating people better when he's stressed, I negotiated the freedom to leave work for school at my discretion, wrenched a promise from Thomas to stop targeting me, told them I would think it all over and left Thomas to the mercy of Brett. Striking the balance of not crushing Thomas and giving the grace for him to learn and grow was so hard. Staying there after the way he had disrespected me so many times and treated me so poorly had pushed me to the point of tears twice and explosion several times. But I knew what God wanted. He wanted me to sit in that and grow and be a force for change because I can. Over the next few weeks I saw my freedom at work blossom and I was able to help people the way management should. I could float from unload to a truck with a struggling loader. I could run errands all over the building giving people relief. People started calling me sunshine. My positivity had dimmed in the months that I wrestled with how to handle Thomas but I was back. By floating around the building I learned everyones stories. I was amazed to learn that I worked with a real rodeo star who does calf roping all over the country, a new chiropractor who will be opening his practice in Erie soon, a former CU Buff football player and a competitve shooter who competes with dual pistols. Knowing these people and their stories made work interesting again. It connected me to them. I was able to learn how to use my knowledge for the good of the employees. An autistic boy who was being bullied became the darling of the unload. A new seasonal girl got hired on permanently who was struggling to make ends meet. But on Christmas Eve it all sank in for me. I was working next to a new girl extracting her tale and feeling the old gut punch. She had relocated from Miami, orignially from Haiti and her apartment hadn't panned out so she was living in an extended stay hotel by DIA taking an Uber to work every night in Longmont. I could see the worry in her face. I was overhwhelmed by her need and humbled by the blessings I live in. I asked if they'd ever turned her away and sent her home when we had too many employees and she nodded tightly. Just then Dave one of the sups walked by and asked me how badly I wanted to be at work. I rolled my eyes and said "Is that a trick question? it's Christmas Eve." He gave me a raw window into how hard his job is and said "they're making me cut someone and I hate to send these new people home over and over." Having just heard such a hard story I instantly agreed to go home even though I knew I was easily losing $100. As I left the building I popped my head into Thomas' office to drop off Christmas cookies for the team from some sweet ladies in Erie and mentioned her. I didn't go into her problems or share too much. I just suggested that any time he had to cut her, to try to do it before she came because she was Ubering from DIA. Thomas looked stricken and I connected with him in that moment knowing how hard it must be to manage a team of people with such heart wrenching stories. I wondered what she would do on Christmas but knew I hadn't build enough relationship for her to come to my house. A couple days after Christmas I saw him cut 6 people and then I saw her show up an hour late and he kept her.
My Christmas was lovely. I was cozy with my people, watching grateful children enthuse over our gifts and cooking and baking and relaxing and watching Christmas movies. It was like most other Christmases aside from the year my dad died. I'm grateful to feel connected to the real world with real struggles nowadays. I'm motivated to up my game and be a bigger force of God's love to the one's in need. It's an awkward path requiring me to work on my rudimentary social skills but worth it.

Weary

I woke up at 1AM to the sound of sobbing. Eden's cold had progressed into her ears and she was doubled over in pain. I was supposed to get up for work at 2 but at 2 I was still holding Eden. So I called in and got the usual jerk reply from Thomas. But something happened a few days ago that changed the way I see Thomas. So I tipped my head and said "ok." And I let his reply go. I stayed home, slept, held my hurting child, made Hazels lunch, drove Kait to school and did the things all of the other moms in the world are doing every day. Right now I'm pondering whether Eden will need me to take her to the doctor instead of going to school. School is kinda winning. She's been sleeping deeply for 7 hours.
A few days ago I got amazing news that I got grants to pay for my school. Naturally the first thing to cross my mind was "do I really need to work at UPS?" Sometimes I think people assume UPS isn't so bad because I've lasted over a year. But it is. I'm literally gritting my teeth through this job day after day. The work is grueling, the time of day is brutal, my boss is unbearable and the building is disgusting. I am eternally grateful for what this job has provided but every day I show up is a grinding victory. I always think I can make little jokes and Thomas will suddenly act like a normal human and play along. It's kind of a horrible little trick I play on myself that unerringly ends with me receiving a crushing insult. I lightly told him now that my school is paid for by grants maybe I should quit. He gave me a "why the hell would I care" look and said "ok." I felt the hit but I joked to everyone that I should let him hope I'm about to quit every other month or so. I know that doesn't sound so awful but I think if you did a job like mine day after day for over a year, trying so hard to be a valuable team member but deep down knowing that you probably don't really carry your weight in a warehouse full of men, you'd feel the same little sinking deflation that I did in that moment. I mind game the hell out of that job but with one single final word of dismissal from my manager I felt all of the tension I hold in my frame at work go limp like a noodle. I tried to mentally rebound and thought of every valuable co-worker I've watched leave a gaping hole in our shift and tried to rally but something had cracked. I certainly don't go to work every day for Thomas to show appreciation or I would have quit on my second day like 90% of the new hires. I go to get a paycheck and maintain a free health insurance plan. But the real the truth is, we are all looking for worth in what we do and how we do it. Whether we are folding laundry or stacking boxes or designing houses, there's a piece of us that needs someone to stand next to us and say "this truck looks like shit but thank God Dave didn't load it." I mean... that's the kind of crap Ernie gives me and it works just as well as an atta boy. But truly, working nights increases your chance of heart problems and cancer. Working nights wrecks your serotonin levels and messes with your mind like nothing else. Doing all of that and adding manual labor and the worlds worst boss... well. I hit a really low point.
The next Monday I was working and telling God all about the things I should say to Thomas, holding my insult close and asking Him if this was finally a sign that it was done and UPS wasn't my assignment anymore. God always loves those conversations because I'm talking and I have some small measure of manners so He knows I'll try to listen to His replies. He's never delicate with me because I'm not a delicate girl so he cut right to the chase. I'm not gonna lie, it's my love language when someone gives me a hard dose in love... but only in love. Only when they know my heart and love it for the twisted well meaning mess it is. My dad had that place and my friends Bart and Jenny and Danya have that place and they use it well. God does too but only when I remember to give him access. The thing about the one's who love you is they always wait for access.
He said "well, you actually did ok. You didn't throw a box at him, you didn't yell at him and you didn't corner him in the office and emasculate him before slamming the door."
I have no idea where God got those examples.
I said "well, there's still time. I might give him a piece of my mind yet."
God said "he's watching you."
I said "I know, he thrives off of every slice he takes of me and he glories in my humiliation."
He said "Show him something to hunger for Elizabeth. Make it good."
I said "so you're telling me this is some kind of long suffering assignment that could have no end in sight?" I wasn't happy. I wasn't one bit happy but God knows something about me that Satan never can beat, He knows to always give me a challenge. Something I think I can't do. Something I know I can't do. I need the wrestle. I need the angst and I really need the surrender. So I surrendered. It was like my eyeballs came out of my head and took an aerial view of Elizabeth at UPS and God hit a reset button. I still want out. I still want my energy and my 110 pound body back and I still want to work with cheerful people but this is real. Real forces are at work for Thomas's heart. I know they are and I see him wrestle. He knows I see it and it makes him feel vulnerable so he lashes out at me to prove I'm just another faker. I can't be a "good enough Christian" to be a witness, all I can be is a surrendered human who lets God do what He wants. Apparently He wants me to struggle on. And I've given up on getting sympathy from anyone for this path I chose or this path that chose me but holy shit it sucks guys. Seriously it sucks. Please don't tell Thomas I said shit. He pounces on that like a cat on mouse.