Easter 2017

Ten days before Easter I was in an emotional tailspin. I was grumpy, sensitive, critical, negative and sour. I guess you could say I hit the wall. Which always happens when I lose touch with the Holy Spirit. So, I rang Him up and He said to stop being a vapid vacuous nitwit and sink in to Holy Week. I thought it was a brilliant idea and so I did. At the beginning I was despairful. A few days later I had moved up to grumpy and scornful. On Thursday we went to the Christian Passover dinner which was a little stressful but also good and I was getting sick but didn't know it do exhausting.That night my dreams started. Whenever I unplug from social media and tune in to God, he brings dreams to me. That night my dreams were the darkest I've ever had. And they brought me to a place of deep gratitude. By Good Friday my heart became mush. I lost all track of everything except my sin and His great sacrifice. The Good Friday service took me somewhere new, for the first time I reflected on the patience God has with me knowing I am so weak I wouldn't even watch and pray one hour on the night of His arrest. That night He gave me the most vividly funny and lighthearted dreams of my life full of laughter with a former friend who about a year ago felt her life would be better without me in it. I woke up aware of how much joy there is to be had here and now and determined not to repeat past mistakes. I was getting sicker and sicker though and so was Hazel. She couldn't go to the Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday but the rest of the family volunteered while I stayed home with her, chugging elderberry and telling myself I was winning. I wasn't. It was not to be. My body hurt, Hazel was running a 103 fever, so I dutifully cancelled brunch and asked for a sub for my role in kids quest. So we missed church on Easter. The one week when everyone goes to church. In the evening, the kids asked me to finish reading our book, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. After the last word crossed my lips and sank into my heart I realized I had the best Easter ever.

Passover Dinner

There we all were, the whole Allen family sitting at our first Christian Passover dinner. I glanced lovingly at Jody as he scooped horseradish on a matzah cracker and handed it to Nick. It was all so symbolic and beautiful. Suddenly Nick was vomiting. Of course he was. They rushed to the restroom as I sighed lustily just as the five year old in my lap drug her shoe down a burn on the side of my leg and ripped the skin open. I felt a lovely rush of liquid down my ankle as all of the bubbles on my burn burst. It wasn't getting me down. No sir. We soldiered through that dinner and learned all about Passover and we had fun dammit. The next thing I knew my eldest was flailing in the floor next to my chair professing a stomach ache. I so wanted to set a chair leg on her toe and squish it but I resisted and hissed at her to get out of the floor. When I was finally home I scooped up the mermaid toy in my bathtub and mechanically shifted it to the sink, knowing after my bath I would move it back to the tub so I could brush my teeth. It's a daily ritual. I laid in the bath with my phone willing to take the risk just this once. I searched reproductive habits of rabbits and emailed my eldest an article that would basically make anyone celebrate their cat raiding a baby bunny nest... because our cat did last night and we had sobbing drama central. Then I texted my friends about a meeting that day with our super awesome youth pastor regarding the unacceptable behavior of my second daughter at both Sunday services. Apparently the other parents primarily blame my little ringleader feeling that their little darlings would never have conjured such disrespectful behavior without her. I'm frankly inclined to agree. But alas. I do hate to blame ringleaders extra because how could they ringleader without followers. I heard a chest cough from upstairs and remembered that my third daughter had been complaining of a sore throat for two days. Finally I realized my bath was too hot my socks were too loose and my heart was just plain saggy. I remembered to pray for them and went to sleep. And what should happen but a mothers worst nightmare dream. I was sobbing and screaming and woke up. I went upstairs and got my little croaky baby and brought her to my bed and snuggled her and felt so so thankful.