If I were to try to express what I bring to the table in a church crowd it would be... uncomfortable laughter, gentle gasps, a high regard for everyone's Christian walk in comparison to mine and a gritty, self reproach laden desire to laugh at the worst things. I'm also highly regarded for my parenting skills, alcohol tolerance and house keeping expertness. I didn't think you'd go for that but it felt nice to say it just once. But I AM a better blogger because I do blog therefore I AM.
I joined a Bible Study full of fresh young mommies with hearts a burstin with love for their very young children recently. I felt trepidation for a variety of reasons. The pastors wife would have me under the microscope, nobody in there has a 13 year old at home and well, see above. So somehow, one day, someone told a story about a toddler trying to cuss. Which I had to top. I'm competitive in all things, even cussing toddlers. I am as fond of monopolizing conversations with embellished stories as I am of blogging said stories in even more exquisite detail. So I lifted my voice and announced that I had the worst story. I saw them hesitate and then I hesitated because I realized I was going to have to drop the F-bomb either six or eight times in the retelling of this suddenly not so inspiring story. If there's one thing I can say for myself, it's that I have follow through. I say that as I stroke my chin wondering why I'm trying to make it sound like its a good thing in every situation. Anyway, I considered my options which were none and awkwardly plunged into my already regrettable story. I went hard and fast into my story hoping if it was quick, it would be less scandalizing.
"Well, I got so frustrated while trying to restring some blinds that I finally yelled f--k f--k f--k and Eden began running in circles chanting it over and over at the age of 2. Nobody laughed. Some pasted on frozen smiles. Some scooted chairs and took sips of coffee. Finally after an excruciating silence, the leader clasped her Bible and plunged back into the study. I felt a war within myself to hold to my authentic self or to melt into the floor so I could be myself somewhere less awkward.
"Well, I got so frustrated while trying to restring some blinds that I finally yelled f--k f--k f--k and Eden began running in circles chanting it over and over at the age of 2. Nobody laughed. Some pasted on frozen smiles. Some scooted chairs and took sips of coffee. Finally after an excruciating silence, the leader clasped her Bible and plunged back into the study. I felt a war within myself to hold to my authentic self or to melt into the floor so I could be myself somewhere less awkward.
I recently read an article that talked about the kinds of people in your life and realized just maybe I'm this one:
- Negative Influences. There are people who are wonderful, interesting, bright, and creative. And yet, for some reason, I am negatively influenced when I am around them. It’s not that they themselves are bad people – it’s that I make bad choices when I’m around them. For some reason or another, hanging out with them is not conducive to my success. These are the trickiest people to identify, because there’s nothing about them that’s bad or easy to rationalize avoiding. It’s how they influence you that tells you about whether or not it’s a good person to have in your life.
Because I have... friends and well... For instance, just the other day our church hosted an appreciation banquet for the volunteers on Cinco De Mayo. All my poor friend had to do was say in passing how sad it was that we couldn't have Margaritas there.
I said no worries honey, I just hand squeezed 10 lemons and limes. We can have one before we go! She wasn't planning to drink before a church event... But here I was holding out the forbidden fruit. I won't drag this story out, let's just say that I think I didn't shake up the margaritas very well and somehow consumed a whole glass of tequila in 30 minutes. I was wasted. My husband and friend thought I was kidding. Theirs didn't even give them a buzz. Well as soon as we got to the event the Children's ministry director came over... And the preschool director...and I chatted too much, too close and I think they sniffed out puffs of tequila. I don't know if I'm still on the volunteer schedule or not.
I got home and fell into bed in my dress. My honey jokingly asked if I planned to, you know, brush my teeth, put on pjs... I said I thought I would take off my sweater. The next morning I got up and he cough/laughed and said "you really slept in your clothes!" I gave him the most condescending look I could muster and announced that I feel blessed to not be constricted by society's norms. What I wasn't really thinking through was that my friend from the night before was stopping by with some folding tables for a garage sale... Which incidentally never materialized... And as we stood chatting in the driveway we avoided the elephant in the room until I took a bow and said "yes I'm still wearing the same dress." That story got combed over so many directions on a girls night out that I finally had to declare the story over. It's over. It'll never be over. I have drinking dresses. They have built in bras and feel like a nightgown when I get home. I'm sure if everyone were honest they do too.
I got home and fell into bed in my dress. My honey jokingly asked if I planned to, you know, brush my teeth, put on pjs... I said I thought I would take off my sweater. The next morning I got up and he cough/laughed and said "you really slept in your clothes!" I gave him the most condescending look I could muster and announced that I feel blessed to not be constricted by society's norms. What I wasn't really thinking through was that my friend from the night before was stopping by with some folding tables for a garage sale... Which incidentally never materialized... And as we stood chatting in the driveway we avoided the elephant in the room until I took a bow and said "yes I'm still wearing the same dress." That story got combed over so many directions on a girls night out that I finally had to declare the story over. It's over. It'll never be over. I have drinking dresses. They have built in bras and feel like a nightgown when I get home. I'm sure if everyone were honest they do too.
While I'm on a roll, I'll just save one of the funniest text message histories in my life while planning the Bible stories for Kids Week at our church.
Eleanor: Aster, I am reporting on the meeting you missed. A quick summary is that Mindy pronounces Tubal as "Two Ball" which gave me unstoppable giggles.
We also think the time estimates are pretty accurate.
And are trying to decide the best method for dividing the task load.
Aster: Got it. 😂
Eleanor: Yep Two Ball Cain was a cool guy. And of course Mindy had to beg my child to read the mysterious first half of a Bible verse that the curriculum strongly discouraged us from including in the lesson. It was about how Cain had sex with his wife and Enoch was born. Now my child knows all about Enoch's origins thankfully.
I swear I don't know anybody who can just read plainly written words and turn a VBS curriculum into a combination of frat humor and sex Ed.
Except... Mindy
Aster: I feel like I really missed out.
Eleanor: I couldn't really say. I'm a bit of a story teller and I'm often accused of exaggerating.
Mindy: I made her child look up inappropriate bible verses.
I think it went well. I can come hang out with your kids too sometime if you want Aster! I think your super spiritual husband would be okay with it.
Aster: Oh sure he would.
Eleanor: I do think it went well if your goal was to examine the scripture closely.
Mindy: I mean, really. When they advise you to NOT read it... How can you resist.
Aster: He's pretty liberal when it comes to that stuff. He offered to play the part of David dancing naked if we'd like.
Bible-ish. That's his slogan.
Eleanor: Oh perfect! We can put that in the scene with when Noah gets drunk and his sons get naked with him
Aster: This will be a memorable VBS
Mindy: So, where did we land on including the sex verse in our show?
Aster: VBS NC-17 LOL
Eleanor: the Children's director would be curled in a ball biting a pillow right now
"I don't know what happened! They were just moms!"
Mindy: Can you imagine if we put the amount of time we put into funny texts into our VBS planning....
Eleanor: 😂😂😂
Aster: 😂😂😂 Lives would be changed. Instead of just undies.
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