The dark side

I'm now the one with dark humor. I joked about single people not having to endure the torture of wheedling family members bending over their death bed begging them not to die like idiots the other day. Jody was clearly horrified and told me he'd never thought of such a thing. I shrugged and said "yeah, I only say what's true." It's true alright. Very true. Lonely people will have peaceful deaths, traveling off to heaven without a reason to linger or fight the inevitable. 

Another thing I wonder about is why is it so taboo to grieve? No matter how ya do it, people are all off to the side saying crap like "she's just never gonna get over it." Well gosh people it's not a pet rat ok? For years we've all listened to you rattle on and on about how many people in your house puked this week or how you just hate packing when you move or how smart your kids are which all get the fog horn for most boring conversation/Facebook status ever and we are not setting you a time limit (even though honestly we should). You are still accepted and loved even if that's all you've got forever to the end of time but that's only because we can use the hide feature on facebook and minimize the refrain. Just saying... Those who live in glass houses should only throw marshmallows.

My new normal

When I lost my dad my head spun. I obsessed over how to keep his spirit alive for my kids. I worried over the pieces of him I'd never absorbed. I fretted that I would lose even more pieces of him to never have again. Then one day I played a silly trick on one of my kids that didn't have anything to do with my dad or any memory of him. And we giggled until we cried and I thought of how he would love to see me make them laugh. The biggest thrills of his life came when someone did something clever and incredibly funny.  That was when I knew that the pieces of him I needed were all here and are safe and sound. It's very comforting. If I wanted to sum up what my dad tried to place inside me, it's the approval of all that I am and the belief of all that I can be. If I want my dad to live on in my heart, I don't need to copy his humor or quote his favorite people from history. All I need to do, is live as freely and expressively as he raised me to and be the biggest me he ever dreamed I would be. When I think of all I lost when he died, I know it was a deep loss because he found himself, he accepted himself and he expressed himself. I will always reminisce about him but I don't struggle with wanting to replace him because his uniqueness could never be copied, even by me. He didn't want me to be him, he wanted me to be me which he thought was quite grand. 

It's a peaceful place i find myself in these days. I have accepted myself and my imperfections which has made accepting imperfections in others the most natural process. I used to wrestle with it so. Fighting grace like the best Pharisee in the land. But Jesus found me and he held me close and I've been set free. The Holy Spirit does everything I used to try so hard to do without success.