A year ago

Has it been a year since my dad pulled himself from bed struggling to spend the morning with me before I left? Oh that was it. After that he was gone from me. How I loved him. How he loved me. We had a special thing that I miss more than I anticipated and my anticipation was really bad. It's a constant dull ache that swells to a throbbing when a Dad moment pops up. When I'm driving and I wish that I could call him. When Election Day came and went without our excited and over dramatic phone calls. Today I went to a dollar store with the girls and remembered a time he and I somehow wound up on a grand tour of dollar stores in Springfield all day long one time. He's with me constantly and I'm thankful that somehow over 13 years of me being far away he held me close. I miss his unconditional love and constant pride in me. He was so perfectly him. He let me be me and he loved what that was. It was all that a daughter could ask for. He showed me how God the father loves me and that's what God asked of him. If I asked what more I could ask of my dad by him living longer it would just be more of what we had. Nothing that was missing because nothing was. His imperfect life was all I needed as his girl. With my hands tucked in his back pockets pretending to be his shadow, I held on and it was perfect. A perfectly imperfect life. We stayed best friends through all.  When I think of him holding his head in his hands and telling me he wished his mind was clear so he could spend the morning with me, I had no idea that was my last morning with my real Dad. I wrote on Facebook that my heart was torn in half that day. I didn't know it would tear in half again remembering it today. And as I laid curled in a ball tonight sobbing to God, I asked him why Dad had to endure so much pain and He said "so you could be broken and humbled and become my disciple." I'll never stop loving him and missing him but when I see him where he is now I feel nothing but joy. He loves being with Jesus as much as I would if I joined him today. Jesus has consumed me this year. I've learned humility. I've learned that it's the window to faith. I've learned grace. How to receive it and how to give it probably only in very simplified terms. I've learned about love. I've learned about peace and healing. It would be fake to say I've touched joy but I know it's coming so I just keep singing like Dad.