When I blog about my problems, failures, imperfections, struggles etc... I'm not doing it so some of you can think you're better than me. I'm not doing it pridefully like I think my mess is amazing or something. I'm not doing it for attention. It's not a cry for help most of the time (haha). It's an attempt to relate to someone out there like me. It's my "yoo-hoo" to let everyone out there in the fog know that there's another boat in the same situation who feels just as helpless and just as worried that we are just floating in circles going nowhere. Sure, most people blog when they have it all together to encourage people and give them some kind of hope I guess. I find it very defeating personally. I read a blog the other day that advised me to give each of my kids ten hugs and spend 15 dedicated minutes one on one with each kid every day possible. I felt like I'd been clocked with a 2 X 4. Now fortunately Hazel claims about 40 hugs and cuddles per day by demanding them so I guess she's covered. The rest of them are going to wind up in therapy where they probably won't get any hugs remain in an abyss of emptiness. They each claim one hug at bedtime as well as wallowing on me on the couch, having me clip their fingernails, forcing me to read aloud until my tongue is bubbly, sing them to sleep, cooking with me and being allowed to talk to me basically the whole time we are together. It's a shame that won't keep them nurtured and normalized but it's what we do. Kudos to the parents who have more in them to give. Just picture me as the hippo with four personal penguins. FAIL!
I seriously loved getting a comment on my Facebook that I should get therapy. I laughed out loud reading it. A few of my friends had a different reaction. They were calling me left and right affronted for me. Asking if I would delete the comment. Telling me what they would say. I was just like "eh, I put myself out there for some poor soul who relates to me and feels connected by my nonsense and it looks like I had a little fallout with a well intentioned person who I don't think really read the blog or understood my intent. Not really a big deal." Honestly, most people don't understand why I do it. They are simply embarrassed for me when they read my blogs. Again I'm like "eh, somebody out there needs me to be real... even if that somebody is just me." I kinda think it's egotistical to blog. Like we consider ourselves these amazing interesting people who captivate the world with our witticism. Nah, I'm just slogging through my imperfect life like the rest of you and authentically capturing it for my kids so they know they have to keep on going when the going gets tough and that it is in the range of NORMAL to face relationship problems, financial struggles, health issues and grief.
Now for the nitty gritty. Here we are over nine months out from losing my dad. The weather is exactly the same as it was the day he found out he had a tumor the size of a cantaloup. I talk to him in my head every single day even though I never talk to the rest of my extended family. I cry almost every single day. I recently read that grief only really lasts six months or longer in rare cases. Of course I have to be a rare case because being normal is so blasé. Currently I can barely grit out a conversation with anyone in my extended family. Jody just asked me today what I think will happen. He feels that Dad was the glue holding us all together. I honestly could not say. I have surrendered to whatever those relationships turn into. I can't single handedly heal all wounds and scars and restore the family. I'm not the glue. I'm not a magician. I'm not a super hero. I'm not even a millionaire. So whatever people want is what it will all be. And I will flow with whatever that is. I have no expectations of them. In other news, I had the beautiful experience of releasing Dad to heaven last week. It happened in church and it was transformative. I've been reading about grief and codependency and it has really brought me to a place of healing and peace. I'm now a student of what it was that dad did to make people always feel so important and funny and special and unique. I think I want to learn that.
I seriously loved getting a comment on my Facebook that I should get therapy. I laughed out loud reading it. A few of my friends had a different reaction. They were calling me left and right affronted for me. Asking if I would delete the comment. Telling me what they would say. I was just like "eh, I put myself out there for some poor soul who relates to me and feels connected by my nonsense and it looks like I had a little fallout with a well intentioned person who I don't think really read the blog or understood my intent. Not really a big deal." Honestly, most people don't understand why I do it. They are simply embarrassed for me when they read my blogs. Again I'm like "eh, somebody out there needs me to be real... even if that somebody is just me." I kinda think it's egotistical to blog. Like we consider ourselves these amazing interesting people who captivate the world with our witticism. Nah, I'm just slogging through my imperfect life like the rest of you and authentically capturing it for my kids so they know they have to keep on going when the going gets tough and that it is in the range of NORMAL to face relationship problems, financial struggles, health issues and grief.
Now for the nitty gritty. Here we are over nine months out from losing my dad. The weather is exactly the same as it was the day he found out he had a tumor the size of a cantaloup. I talk to him in my head every single day even though I never talk to the rest of my extended family. I cry almost every single day. I recently read that grief only really lasts six months or longer in rare cases. Of course I have to be a rare case because being normal is so blasé. Currently I can barely grit out a conversation with anyone in my extended family. Jody just asked me today what I think will happen. He feels that Dad was the glue holding us all together. I honestly could not say. I have surrendered to whatever those relationships turn into. I can't single handedly heal all wounds and scars and restore the family. I'm not the glue. I'm not a magician. I'm not a super hero. I'm not even a millionaire. So whatever people want is what it will all be. And I will flow with whatever that is. I have no expectations of them. In other news, I had the beautiful experience of releasing Dad to heaven last week. It happened in church and it was transformative. I've been reading about grief and codependency and it has really brought me to a place of healing and peace. I'm now a student of what it was that dad did to make people always feel so important and funny and special and unique. I think I want to learn that.
