It was mid July when I sat on the edge of the pool with my friend Christina. The afternoon was waning and the heat was fading. I had chosen my cheerleader with care. I was talking to a woman who globe trots around the world offering retreats to missionaries and engages in extreme sports as well as raising successful kids. So, her mind is what I'd call... tactical and gritty. I said "look I'm not saying I want to be a straight A student, I'm thinking I just take a "pass the class" attitude and get it done. Do you think it's even tenable? I don't know anything about school." After a long measured silence while looking off into the distance with her head tipped in contemplation a slow nod began and a smile bloomed. "Yes, I think you can do it but it will be hard... don't go full time."
Soon I was waking up at 2 AM and doing the dirtiest job I could find. Not really a criteria, just a coincidence I suppose. I had googled what part time job would pay the most for a college education. If you've never googled it, I recommend it. It's quite interesting. Hello UPS. All they asked was that I become a human sacrifice and they would pay for my school. How bad could it be? Whatever you're thinking, it was worse. I've watched countless people not last a week and if I hadn't grown up in a 110 degree hayfield in Arkansas, I would have quit too. On top of it being a truly terrible job, it's a union job. This has pros and cons. The pros are the amazing insurance benefits and... nothing else and the cons are innumerable. The biggest con is that the management has 30 days to either break you or fire you before you become unionized and then they can't fire you without finding a dead body in your car. So Thomas had already let four people go when I showed up and he had no newbies to focus on except me. I could not believe what I put myself through for $11 an hour. It was completely insane. As Thomas focused on breaking me, I focused on school and my plan. I remember when he did finally break me, but somehow finding my end satisfied him and he kept me, probably because I didn't cry. I just offered to quit if that was what he wanted.
Meanwhile the home front was not going well. By that, I mean that the A-Team was in full blown crisis. on at least four fronts if not five... Hazel seemed to be hanging on by a tether. I have zero desire to go into that but just kind of imagine me at that job giving a hysterical laugh when Thomas threatened to make me cry because the hell he created for me was a relief from home. From September to December I was in a steady and strong decline. Basically a snowball gathering momentum as I plunged down the hill. I had a computer fall on my head causing some weird apparently untreatable injury, home life was still bad, I started having friend trouble and then...they cranked our hours up to over 40 a week. I wasn't quite sure if I was in a pressure cooker or just being deep fried. By January it was do or die. In one day I got the courage to make the college thing happen, I took the placement tests, took the orientation and registered. I wasn't playing around anymore. The counselor was astounded the classes even had openings. One class was full so I joined a waitlist then was added the next day. Then days later I started college.
By the way my home life was still super hard. Crazy hard. A couple of my friendships were even harder. My heart was hard too. I can't think of anything that wasn't hard except Pickles fur.
Around this time Thomas and I had concluded that we definitely hated each other and it turned out to be a benefit because he had no power over me other than to cut my hours (I swear I saw him checking my car for a body), so he did, smugly telling me to come to work a half an hour after the team every day. Which I appreciated since I was enrolling in school. I needed to leave work early two days a week and somehow the center manager Brett found it in his heart to let me. So by some miracle for the first month of school I was only working about 15 hours a week. Silver lining or just God carrying me through such a hard time I can't believe it happened? Definitely God.
School turned out to be quite fun and my teacheres just loved that I wanted to be there at all so I was welcomed with open arms. But it was hard. I cried as I faced the possibilty of failure several times. I stalled until the last possible moment every week, afraid to do things my interior design teacher assigned that I had never done. I really struggled. Then sometime in March or April I realized I was actually probably going to make it through my first semester after all. It wasn't a breakthrough, just a growing change in me.
But also in April I hit a personal low. If you didn't think I could get lower, neither did I until this hit. I could barely function. I tanked into a deep depression. I quit doing my school work. The weight on me was physical. I could barely move. Could not motivate. I was barely going through the motions and then Eden's youth pastor sent me a note saying Eden was worried and she wondered if there was anything she could do. I felt the burn of embarrassment on my cheeks even as I praised God that Eden has someone to confide in who really loves her. And just knowing that I was loved in a most incredibly unlovable time in my life, gave me the tiniest little boost I needed to do hard things and keep trying in life. I climbed slowly and determinedly out of that hole.
Monday was the end of the semester. I have two weeks of Momsummer and one week of summer with the kids then summer semester. I have all A's which is hilarious and surprising and gratifying and empowering. I was also awarded a shocking grant for $1250. I've used the grant for counseling because UPS pays for all of my school and I'm super fucked up. God provides in amazing ways. I also just reached the employment requirements for health insurance through UPS. My family will save hundreds of dollars a month just in premiums and we will also save on healthcare because it's a really nice insurance plan. I also just got a $2 an hour raise which is retroactive to my first day of employment last August. This means I'm hiring a housecleaner to come in once a month because seriously you guys? I JUST CAN'T.
SUMMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soon I was waking up at 2 AM and doing the dirtiest job I could find. Not really a criteria, just a coincidence I suppose. I had googled what part time job would pay the most for a college education. If you've never googled it, I recommend it. It's quite interesting. Hello UPS. All they asked was that I become a human sacrifice and they would pay for my school. How bad could it be? Whatever you're thinking, it was worse. I've watched countless people not last a week and if I hadn't grown up in a 110 degree hayfield in Arkansas, I would have quit too. On top of it being a truly terrible job, it's a union job. This has pros and cons. The pros are the amazing insurance benefits and... nothing else and the cons are innumerable. The biggest con is that the management has 30 days to either break you or fire you before you become unionized and then they can't fire you without finding a dead body in your car. So Thomas had already let four people go when I showed up and he had no newbies to focus on except me. I could not believe what I put myself through for $11 an hour. It was completely insane. As Thomas focused on breaking me, I focused on school and my plan. I remember when he did finally break me, but somehow finding my end satisfied him and he kept me, probably because I didn't cry. I just offered to quit if that was what he wanted.
Meanwhile the home front was not going well. By that, I mean that the A-Team was in full blown crisis. on at least four fronts if not five... Hazel seemed to be hanging on by a tether. I have zero desire to go into that but just kind of imagine me at that job giving a hysterical laugh when Thomas threatened to make me cry because the hell he created for me was a relief from home. From September to December I was in a steady and strong decline. Basically a snowball gathering momentum as I plunged down the hill. I had a computer fall on my head causing some weird apparently untreatable injury, home life was still bad, I started having friend trouble and then...they cranked our hours up to over 40 a week. I wasn't quite sure if I was in a pressure cooker or just being deep fried. By January it was do or die. In one day I got the courage to make the college thing happen, I took the placement tests, took the orientation and registered. I wasn't playing around anymore. The counselor was astounded the classes even had openings. One class was full so I joined a waitlist then was added the next day. Then days later I started college.
By the way my home life was still super hard. Crazy hard. A couple of my friendships were even harder. My heart was hard too. I can't think of anything that wasn't hard except Pickles fur.
Around this time Thomas and I had concluded that we definitely hated each other and it turned out to be a benefit because he had no power over me other than to cut my hours (I swear I saw him checking my car for a body), so he did, smugly telling me to come to work a half an hour after the team every day. Which I appreciated since I was enrolling in school. I needed to leave work early two days a week and somehow the center manager Brett found it in his heart to let me. So by some miracle for the first month of school I was only working about 15 hours a week. Silver lining or just God carrying me through such a hard time I can't believe it happened? Definitely God.
School turned out to be quite fun and my teacheres just loved that I wanted to be there at all so I was welcomed with open arms. But it was hard. I cried as I faced the possibilty of failure several times. I stalled until the last possible moment every week, afraid to do things my interior design teacher assigned that I had never done. I really struggled. Then sometime in March or April I realized I was actually probably going to make it through my first semester after all. It wasn't a breakthrough, just a growing change in me.
But also in April I hit a personal low. If you didn't think I could get lower, neither did I until this hit. I could barely function. I tanked into a deep depression. I quit doing my school work. The weight on me was physical. I could barely move. Could not motivate. I was barely going through the motions and then Eden's youth pastor sent me a note saying Eden was worried and she wondered if there was anything she could do. I felt the burn of embarrassment on my cheeks even as I praised God that Eden has someone to confide in who really loves her. And just knowing that I was loved in a most incredibly unlovable time in my life, gave me the tiniest little boost I needed to do hard things and keep trying in life. I climbed slowly and determinedly out of that hole.
Monday was the end of the semester. I have two weeks of Momsummer and one week of summer with the kids then summer semester. I have all A's which is hilarious and surprising and gratifying and empowering. I was also awarded a shocking grant for $1250. I've used the grant for counseling because UPS pays for all of my school and I'm super fucked up. God provides in amazing ways. I also just reached the employment requirements for health insurance through UPS. My family will save hundreds of dollars a month just in premiums and we will also save on healthcare because it's a really nice insurance plan. I also just got a $2 an hour raise which is retroactive to my first day of employment last August. This means I'm hiring a housecleaner to come in once a month because seriously you guys? I JUST CAN'T.
SUMMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
