A bouquet

Tonight I sit and glance frequently at a bouquet of roses on my dining table. They're a symbol of what Jody and I would love to be able to give to Michelle today. She turned 19. She has reached the age of being allowed to search and find her birth parents if she so desires. Jody has spent months agonizing over what to write to her. I think his greatest fear is that she may somehow feel that she was rejected by him when every selfish part of his being wanted to renig on the whole adoption and keep her. In light of the sacrificial decisions that Jody and Karen had to make and the impact it had on them personally, I believe that Michelle is grateful to them. Not a single night passes that her name doesn't cross my girls lips. Not a day passes that the single photo we have of her isn't perused. I remember the day that Eden smuggled the picture to school and told all of the students and teachers that it was a picture of her sister and her dad had adopted her, in typical backwards kindergarten communication. When she came home I found the picture and she started to vent to me about the teachers pestering her with so many questions about Michelle. Poor dear, didn't even know what an interesting story that would be to a teacher. I remember when the full impact reached her of why she couldn't call Michelle, and as she processed, she asked if we were going to adopt her to another family. I felt my heart squeeze as she made these logical leaps in her mind. It's such a difficult concept for a child to grasp. I spent so much time explaining to them why Michelle had a different family and all the while I wondered if I might be echoing Michelle's own mother through the years as she raised a little red headed angel that she loved more than life itself. Perhaps she would have been able to give me some pointers. Still, the never ceasing burning inside of both Eden and Kait to meet Michelle amazes me. I think they feel her if that's possible. So Michelle, wherever you are, we've prayed for you. Jody for 19 years and me for the 10 years I've known your sweet face. We've prayed for your peace, your joy, your faith and that you could feel not only your own family's love, but ours as well. God willing, maybe someday we will meet and see for ourselves that you've been sheltered in His wing and called according to His purpose.

Whimsy

I plunked Nick onto the bed after his bath and the towel fell around him. He held his hands up and examined his fingers with a serious concentration. Without even making eye contact with me, he said "my fingers are old..." and then glancing at his feet he said "and my feet are old too." I wonder why it's always such a special interest for me when one of my children exclaims over things that were a particular fascination for me as a child. I feel connected to them, like time doesn't separate our childhoods. That simple purity and happiness.
Kait's favorite question for me these days is "MOM! How many times do I have to tell you?" Her mouth looks like she just sucked on a lemon with a devilish smile curving the edges as she relates her entire 3 hours of school every day. I have a standard line of questions for her. "Did you learn how to spell banana yet? Did you learn how to read a chapter book yet?" and then I just kind of throw in some randoms. She cracks me up. Today she told me there's going to be a new boy in class. I told her in sanctimonious tones that I HOPED she would tell him right away that she's not allowed to have a boyfriend yet, like she had told all of the other boys. She smirked and told me she hadn't had to tell any boys any such thing.
Eden is the enigma. I had been watching her school focus slipping for a couple of weeks and the red marks in the Friday folder seemed to be reflecting her homework attitude. I don't love it, but she has always been one of those children that needs me to metaphorically grab her by the collar and drag her up and go "drill sergeant" every so often. I told her that I was prohibiting any tv during the week and I expected her test results to reflect her abilities, ra ra ra ra. I talked about the difference between people with potential and people with potential and drive. Ra ra ra ra ra. She gave me a winning smile and told me it really didn't matter because she's going to be a rock star when she grows up. Somehow, as I usually do with Eden, I completely forgot I was talking to a second grader. "Do you have any idea what it takes to be a successful rock star? You need a general knowledge of several instruments, you need to know how to read and write music. You have to take voice lessons. You have to be willing to work your heart out! If you want to be a rock star, you are going to have to work for that dream!" Eden stared at me... blink, blink, blink. "Well, I was thinking I'd take over for Hannah Montana if she wants to quit sometime." Can you see my body wilting?
I will say that the papers in the Friday folder were wonderful this past week but I'm not saying that I honestly think anything I did was right. I feel like parenting is just this blindfolded experiment for me. Sometimes I guess things correctly, sometimes... not so much.
Then there's those deep moments with Eden. We were talking about the beautiful scarves Daniel brought from Afghanistan because I saw a woman wearing one. Eden asked me if she was a bad person or a good one. I told her I had no idea and hadn't even thought of that when I saw her, I just wanted to point out that she had a shamash like ours. Eden watched her and said "I don't really care what religion people are, I'll be friends with anyone." It melted me to hear such a natural acceptance of people. I agreed with her and we talked about many different people we know with many different beliefs. I told her that she was smart to understand so early that we should respect people no matter what their religion or creed is but we also need to remember what the difference is between a Christian and people of other beliefs. I gave her a minute and she said "well, we believe in Jesus." and I said "and..." She sat there for a minute and said "they believe in something else." I waited and said "and how does that affect their eternity?" She looked kind of confused so I said, "When we die, we'll go to heaven with Jesus, but someone who denies Him...." She looked rather bleak and said "won't." I felt the great conversation sinking and wanted to lift it back up. I reminded her that is why we're supposed to be a light and salt to all of the earth, so others would want to know Jesus too. She smiled and nodded but I could see the weight. A new responsibility and knowledge of a truth now sat on her shoulders. But that's reality I guess, it seems daunting to me most days too. And if that's her toughest reality, she's a lucky child in this old world full of pain and suffering. One nice thing about Eden, is one conversation about something and it's done. She's got it. So, now we can go to the pumpkin farm, have a birthday party and visit with grandparents without a care in the world other than the lost souls who we must pray for and love without judgment or condemnation.