I woke up at 1AM to the sound of sobbing. Eden's cold had progressed into her ears and she was doubled over in pain. I was supposed to get up for work at 2 but at 2 I was still holding Eden. So I called in and got the usual jerk reply from Thomas. But something happened a few days ago that changed the way I see Thomas. So I tipped my head and said "ok." And I let his reply go. I stayed home, slept, held my hurting child, made Hazels lunch, drove Kait to school and did the things all of the other moms in the world are doing every day. Right now I'm pondering whether Eden will need me to take her to the doctor instead of going to school. School is kinda winning. She's been sleeping deeply for 7 hours.
A few days ago I got amazing news that I got grants to pay for my school. Naturally the first thing to cross my mind was "do I really need to work at UPS?" Sometimes I think people assume UPS isn't so bad because I've lasted over a year. But it is. I'm literally gritting my teeth through this job day after day. The work is grueling, the time of day is brutal, my boss is unbearable and the building is disgusting. I am eternally grateful for what this job has provided but every day I show up is a grinding victory. I always think I can make little jokes and Thomas will suddenly act like a normal human and play along. It's kind of a horrible little trick I play on myself that unerringly ends with me receiving a crushing insult. I lightly told him now that my school is paid for by grants maybe I should quit. He gave me a "why the hell would I care" look and said "ok." I felt the hit but I joked to everyone that I should let him hope I'm about to quit every other month or so. I know that doesn't sound so awful but I think if you did a job like mine day after day for over a year, trying so hard to be a valuable team member but deep down knowing that you probably don't really carry your weight in a warehouse full of men, you'd feel the same little sinking deflation that I did in that moment. I mind game the hell out of that job but with one single final word of dismissal from my manager I felt all of the tension I hold in my frame at work go limp like a noodle. I tried to mentally rebound and thought of every valuable co-worker I've watched leave a gaping hole in our shift and tried to rally but something had cracked. I certainly don't go to work every day for Thomas to show appreciation or I would have quit on my second day like 90% of the new hires. I go to get a paycheck and maintain a free health insurance plan. But the real the truth is, we are all looking for worth in what we do and how we do it. Whether we are folding laundry or stacking boxes or designing houses, there's a piece of us that needs someone to stand next to us and say "this truck looks like shit but thank God Dave didn't load it." I mean... that's the kind of crap Ernie gives me and it works just as well as an atta boy. But truly, working nights increases your chance of heart problems and cancer. Working nights wrecks your serotonin levels and messes with your mind like nothing else. Doing all of that and adding manual labor and the worlds worst boss... well. I hit a really low point.
The next Monday I was working and telling God all about the things I should say to Thomas, holding my insult close and asking Him if this was finally a sign that it was done and UPS wasn't my assignment anymore. God always loves those conversations because I'm talking and I have some small measure of manners so He knows I'll try to listen to His replies. He's never delicate with me because I'm not a delicate girl so he cut right to the chase. I'm not gonna lie, it's my love language when someone gives me a hard dose in love... but only in love. Only when they know my heart and love it for the twisted well meaning mess it is. My dad had that place and my friends Bart and Jenny and Danya have that place and they use it well. God does too but only when I remember to give him access. The thing about the one's who love you is they always wait for access.
He said "well, you actually did ok. You didn't throw a box at him, you didn't yell at him and you didn't corner him in the office and emasculate him before slamming the door."
I have no idea where God got those examples.
I said "well, there's still time. I might give him a piece of my mind yet."
God said "he's watching you."
I said "I know, he thrives off of every slice he takes of me and he glories in my humiliation."
He said "Show him something to hunger for Elizabeth. Make it good."
I said "so you're telling me this is some kind of long suffering assignment that could have no end in sight?" I wasn't happy. I wasn't one bit happy but God knows something about me that Satan never can beat, He knows to always give me a challenge. Something I think I can't do. Something I know I can't do. I need the wrestle. I need the angst and I really need the surrender. So I surrendered. It was like my eyeballs came out of my head and took an aerial view of Elizabeth at UPS and God hit a reset button. I still want out. I still want my energy and my 110 pound body back and I still want to work with cheerful people but this is real. Real forces are at work for Thomas's heart. I know they are and I see him wrestle. He knows I see it and it makes him feel vulnerable so he lashes out at me to prove I'm just another faker. I can't be a "good enough Christian" to be a witness, all I can be is a surrendered human who lets God do what He wants. Apparently He wants me to struggle on. And I've given up on getting sympathy from anyone for this path I chose or this path that chose me but holy shit it sucks guys. Seriously it sucks. Please don't tell Thomas I said shit. He pounces on that like a cat on mouse.
A few days ago I got amazing news that I got grants to pay for my school. Naturally the first thing to cross my mind was "do I really need to work at UPS?" Sometimes I think people assume UPS isn't so bad because I've lasted over a year. But it is. I'm literally gritting my teeth through this job day after day. The work is grueling, the time of day is brutal, my boss is unbearable and the building is disgusting. I am eternally grateful for what this job has provided but every day I show up is a grinding victory. I always think I can make little jokes and Thomas will suddenly act like a normal human and play along. It's kind of a horrible little trick I play on myself that unerringly ends with me receiving a crushing insult. I lightly told him now that my school is paid for by grants maybe I should quit. He gave me a "why the hell would I care" look and said "ok." I felt the hit but I joked to everyone that I should let him hope I'm about to quit every other month or so. I know that doesn't sound so awful but I think if you did a job like mine day after day for over a year, trying so hard to be a valuable team member but deep down knowing that you probably don't really carry your weight in a warehouse full of men, you'd feel the same little sinking deflation that I did in that moment. I mind game the hell out of that job but with one single final word of dismissal from my manager I felt all of the tension I hold in my frame at work go limp like a noodle. I tried to mentally rebound and thought of every valuable co-worker I've watched leave a gaping hole in our shift and tried to rally but something had cracked. I certainly don't go to work every day for Thomas to show appreciation or I would have quit on my second day like 90% of the new hires. I go to get a paycheck and maintain a free health insurance plan. But the real the truth is, we are all looking for worth in what we do and how we do it. Whether we are folding laundry or stacking boxes or designing houses, there's a piece of us that needs someone to stand next to us and say "this truck looks like shit but thank God Dave didn't load it." I mean... that's the kind of crap Ernie gives me and it works just as well as an atta boy. But truly, working nights increases your chance of heart problems and cancer. Working nights wrecks your serotonin levels and messes with your mind like nothing else. Doing all of that and adding manual labor and the worlds worst boss... well. I hit a really low point.
The next Monday I was working and telling God all about the things I should say to Thomas, holding my insult close and asking Him if this was finally a sign that it was done and UPS wasn't my assignment anymore. God always loves those conversations because I'm talking and I have some small measure of manners so He knows I'll try to listen to His replies. He's never delicate with me because I'm not a delicate girl so he cut right to the chase. I'm not gonna lie, it's my love language when someone gives me a hard dose in love... but only in love. Only when they know my heart and love it for the twisted well meaning mess it is. My dad had that place and my friends Bart and Jenny and Danya have that place and they use it well. God does too but only when I remember to give him access. The thing about the one's who love you is they always wait for access.
He said "well, you actually did ok. You didn't throw a box at him, you didn't yell at him and you didn't corner him in the office and emasculate him before slamming the door."
I have no idea where God got those examples.
I said "well, there's still time. I might give him a piece of my mind yet."
God said "he's watching you."
I said "I know, he thrives off of every slice he takes of me and he glories in my humiliation."
He said "Show him something to hunger for Elizabeth. Make it good."
I said "so you're telling me this is some kind of long suffering assignment that could have no end in sight?" I wasn't happy. I wasn't one bit happy but God knows something about me that Satan never can beat, He knows to always give me a challenge. Something I think I can't do. Something I know I can't do. I need the wrestle. I need the angst and I really need the surrender. So I surrendered. It was like my eyeballs came out of my head and took an aerial view of Elizabeth at UPS and God hit a reset button. I still want out. I still want my energy and my 110 pound body back and I still want to work with cheerful people but this is real. Real forces are at work for Thomas's heart. I know they are and I see him wrestle. He knows I see it and it makes him feel vulnerable so he lashes out at me to prove I'm just another faker. I can't be a "good enough Christian" to be a witness, all I can be is a surrendered human who lets God do what He wants. Apparently He wants me to struggle on. And I've given up on getting sympathy from anyone for this path I chose or this path that chose me but holy shit it sucks guys. Seriously it sucks. Please don't tell Thomas I said shit. He pounces on that like a cat on mouse.
