rabbit trails and Jesus

 If you grew up on a farm in the 80's without internet, reading Louis Lamour... things like rabbit trails, cow paths, deer trails, ancient Indian paths, railroad tracks and dirt roads mean something. They aren't abstract terms, they are amusing and confusing but absolutely to be followed for reasons of seed ticks, sand burrs and stinging nettles.  They meander, they disappear, they sometimes take the long way around.

Last night I made a bad decision to ignore the tire pressure light and ruined a tire. Today my day was completely sidetracked by the maddening consequences. I was late for an appointment, couldn't make it to the company Christmas party and it all seemed expensive, pointless and profoundly frustrating. But I gave myself the pep talks. Growth mindset. Reasons I know I'll never ignore a tire alert again. Reasons I know I did what I did and how I will purpose never to again. Grr. It's fine. I'm always going to fail in some way but it's the way I learn. Arrow forward. 

I was driving myself to Discount Tire  to have the new tire put on and a friend I once had popped into my mind as I drove past her house. It made me sad, tired and remorseful. But today I was strong. I prayed for God to release me from shame in failed friendships, to believe I'm here to share His love and to embrace whatever He gives me.

I sat down in the sunniest chair at Discount Tire without a mask realizing I had forgotten my laptop to catch up on work or school and my phone was mostly dead. I made peace with the fact that I would be instagram kitchen surfing until it died. I had no sense that God had any agenda for me but it was a foolish notion after inviting him to give me something to do.

A man nearby announced if I wasn't wearing a mask he wouldn't either. I chuckled and said I never do unless they provide a mask. He laughed back and said if he's three times vaccinated why should he. I continued surfing pinterest and he said "you know, it would be nice to ask you a couple questions." I thought "oh crap, we have to have a mask conversation. There's nothing left to say." But he told me he just relocated from a suburb of Chicago and he and his wife are looking for more social activities and fun things to do. I lit up. We talked about fun restaurants and what they liked and he talked about his grown children living in Erie. I was happliy basking in a very mundane conversation when he said... "I have another son who lives in Tampa Bay. We used to go a lot before Covid. He plays for the Buccaneers so we went to his games but last year we only went to the Super Bowl." He blushed and said "he's a tight end". I showed all of the due admiration, glad he had tipped me off that the Buccs won the last Super Bowl because I live in a pleasant oblivion of football. But as I showed proper admiration for his son's success he bloomed and told me several very amazing stories about him. He showed me a picture of his son's ring and it was not lost on me that not only was he proud, but his story was literally amazing. I was born to gather stories and people tell them to me and here we had meandered down a very fascinating trail of no eternal significance but of great importance to him and thus very important to God.

After learning about all of his kids, their careers, his first grandchild and his adjustment to country life I asked where he lived. He mentioned a very familiar neighborhood. I asked which street and he mentioned one I knew. I tipped my head and said, you didn't get the blue and purple house did you? His shock was palpable and he said yes. At this point a little electricity shot through me and I knew it was a divine appointment. Too many twists and turns to this chance encounter...it clearly had a purpose. 

I beamed and said, "I'm friends with the first owners. I love Valerie."

 He looked thrilled and yet hesitant "yes, well how do you know them?"

 I said "she was on the staff at my church at the time."

He said "yes, I heard about that and...well, apparently they had a large picture of Jesus in their bedroom with a special light for it. We don't have a picture of Jesus there but we call it the Jesus light." The corners of his mouth tugged. 

I giggled and said "I wonder if I could have Jesus in my bedroom." 

He laughed and launched into his entire life philosophy on religion. As he shared, I leaned in and listened... idly wondering what kind of spiritual fortress the Renville house probably is, picturing Valerie writing Bible verses on the studs and anointing it with oil.  I watched the same uneasiness play across his face that I always see in lost souls as he finally summarized his take on religion. Even his hesitation between agnostic and atheist implied a lack of confidence. 

I shrugged without worry and said, "well, if God ever chases, you then you'll know He's real... when he pursues someone... escape is not recommended.  If you ever read testimonies, they always run... as a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if He is chasing you right now since you just broached a philosophical conversation with an evangelist.... 

He laughed and paused... I thought he might change the subject which I planned to allow. 

But he circled back. He said "well, religion has good morals. I believe in good morals and I think that's the important thing. 

I half shrugged and said "I mostly I think people who say that, just haven't met God yet which is totally fine, we all have our own journey. My second daughter says she doesn't believe in God but I always smile and say "God will get you sooner or later." She hates it."

He shrugged and said people should do whatever makes them feel good and he's sure religion makes some people feel good. I smiled sadly and said "knowing Jesus doesn't make me feel good. It's just a part of my life. When I'm close to Him, putting the work in of knowing him and loving him then I'm upholding my end of a relationship. It's like I said to my son Nick the other night, love isn't easy, it's really really hard. To love someone, you must study them and devote yourself to expressing love as they understand it. Your motives have to be constantly checked. It's frankly exhausting."

 He shrugged and chuckled and said he knew lots of people who believed in God then stopped believing when their child died or a horrible tragedy struck. 

I said, "well maybe they didn't know Him to begin with... because I can't deny God's existence any more than my own parents, I've known Him for years... but I don't expect everyone to have the same. but you know what they say about people who just try to be good people and hope for the best..." 

He said "No, what?'

I said " Well my friend, if you are right we're both good to go... but if I'm right...then you're screwed."

He chuckled hard at that one and said "well, I respect any religion and anyone who finds comfort in it, maybe I'll hit a hard time and decide I need it but for now I have a wife and a good life." 

I lightly replied "You know, church isn't just for spiritual seekers. I always kinda broke church people down into three categories. the spiritual, the social and the networkers." 

He burst out laughing and said, "there's a lot of truth to that!"

His name is Phil. Is he on a meandering rabbit trail, a cow path to the pond, popping up out of an armadillo hole or is he on the road to Damascus? I have no idea, but I really enjoyed the hour our paths converged because God knew I love to talk about Jesus just as much as he knew Phil is kinda lonely in a new place. 

the meeting

 I was designing a countertop for one of the happiest customers I've ever known. We were sharing a place of community that rarely occurs. We sprinkled conversation into the design and every turn seemed to tread deep waters and fill our cups. 

I said I had overspent for my kitchen, she said she was glad she wasn't married so she could spend as much as she wanted on her bathroom. I told her it was a bit more complex than that. She seemed to swallow my words and consume them as I said "I spend too much and it makes Jody sad. Then I'm sad that Jody's sad and then he's sad because he wants to just let me spend whatever I want. He and I love each other almost too much. It's a change in us since he got cancer. Forever doesn't feel very long. We're both very present minded." Sandra burst out with affirmations bringing Jody back up several times during our meeting, celebrating him. I just loved it, especially since her recent circumstances were so hard.

She told me about escaping a toxic relationship and loving her independence, saying it was the hardest thing in the world to end. I nodded and told her I was glad she found her way out. Then I added that it's also hard to forgive good people who hurt you so you can keep on loving them. She looked deeply into my eyes and said "I bet you've had to do that a few times in your life." I nodded. 

She told me she had decided to give any extra money left over at the end of her life to her alma mater with the specific terms that it go to the hard working people in the world who need it but don't qualify for financial aid. The school loved it so much that they are having her speak to students in online classes this summer. I loved it so much I could have cried. 

We spent hours together and by the time it was time for her to leave I thought... "I'm going to ask Sandra for a hug even though it's Covid and even though I never hug customers. But as I handed her the receipt she said "can I give you a hug?" I said, it's so strange, I just decided to ask you for a hug and I never hug customers." She got a little teary and asked if she could buy me a gift card for my lunch and I laughed and said no. But if Sandra comes by to see me from time to time, it would be very nice. I love her.