Little pops and bursts

I feel little blog bursts inside me. Things I'm learning that I want to write down so I don't forget. Things that happen that make me happy. Instead, I read books to the kids, search for my perfect couch all over the internet, read books to myself a luxury I've denied myself for years most of the time and recently when I was too sick for any of that... I watched the first two seasons of "Call the Midwife." Such a conundrum that show. It's perfectly poignant, humorous, dramatic and romantic. But it makes me want to be a midwife. I am certain it's because the midwives always show up wipe a brow and then the babies pop out. I know that's not what home birth always looks like. LOL!
Moving on.
Recently I read the book of Job. I was literally swaying to the words and feeling myself pulled in every direction as the speakers argued all the while knowing that none of them really had the answer and then it came like a rush at the end. It was like a two day tutorial on how to believe. I came away refreshed and thankful again. I found truths that I think I've never known and never would have known without Dad going to heaven. I felt like my dad picked me up put me back on the horse and told me to try again. Life takes focus. You can't be distracted or you will certainly be taken off guard.
Today Hazel woke up and burst into the kitchen like a ray of sunshine screaming "Daddy! Donuts! Daddy! Donuts!" It had to have been a very vivid dream. She never gets donuts. I've always loved when my kids get to an age that they beg for certain foods and she has arrived. Every single night she wants me to make a pot pie for dinner. It's adorable. "Chicken! Chicken pot pie!"
Kaitlyn had her hair cut in a bob and is donating the braids to locks of love. I'd like to say that her heart was full of generosity but she misses that hair. That crazy wild unbrushed mass of gold. Can you tell I don't really? Anyway tonight she was crying over that darn hair. I handed her my phone with all of the rejoicing comments on instagram, congratulating her on her generosity. I saw a spark of happy then her face darkened and she handed it back. I pulled up an email from Nana about how proud she was of Kait's donation and she read it and I saw acceptance. I have no idea why I hadn't thought to show her all of her accolades. I mean that kind of cheering really helps. Anyway, too cute.
Eden is growing into a young woman wearing 00 clothes from outrageously expensive and outrageously named stores. I look at her and see the excitement of change warring with the nostalgia of childhood. It makes me kinda sad.
Nick is Nick. He's cute, smart and tiny. Man I need that kid to grow. I'm going to start researching. He can't be tiny like me! I forbid it! It's hard enough being little when you're a girl. How I love my sweet boy. I am truly a thankful wife and mother. I have more than I ever could have asked for. 

They keep me in the game

I cried a lot today. I try not to most days but I think it creates explosive cloudbursts. I dealt with serious issues. Taxes. Meeting with the principal. Painting my bedroom lamps. Ok that wasn't actually serious. My sister forwarded me a voicemail of my dad wishing her a happy birthday that I couldn't possibly listen to. I made chicken pot pie and cried all the way through it. Jody crowded me in the kitchen trying to figure out why I was crying and what he could do. I pressed on and tore the crust in half and pressed it together and rolled it again. Then I took a bath and cried while it cooked. 

I prayed, cried, fretted, cried, fretted.... I thought about my dad. I yelled at my kids and comforted myself with the fact that Dad yelled too.  I had too much wine. I bemoaned the lack of chocolate in my house. The three big kids happily and raucously made blondies. They made me smile and pointed out to me that I was smiling. I handed Hazel her special blankie with her name on it. She wrapped it around her like a cape and curled on my chest and fell asleep by the fire. I laid her in my bed and of course thought about how my dad loved it when his babies slept with them.  I stared at her perfection and imagined my dad with one of us when he was missing his dad. I wish it had comforted me but it just made me cry for mommies who have babies with cancer or no food to feed them. I cried for moms and dads whose little girls have been stolen for sex slavery. I cried for widows and widowers. I cried for kids with no parents to love as I loved my dad. I cried for caregivers watching a precious loved one slipping away and I tried so hard to find my happy place. Instead I found a headache and a heartache because in this moment I'm wrapped up in the pain of this world not eternity. This world really hurts when it's not looked at from a birds eye view.